Friday, January 9, 2015

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 4



I leave Happy Hands to himself. He started to get that look in his eyes and I knew it was time to go. I see Inky standing in front of my room with her arms folded and a smug smile on her face. She'd be hotter if she didn't look like an extra from Mad Max. She has that look that a lot of White chicks that don't know better have.

You know the look.

She was probably born in the mid-West in a small town and felt different than everyone else. She didn't want to get married and have kids right out of high school. Started getting tattoos which graduated to piercings and holes in parts of her body that didn't need holes. Shaved half her head and dyed it. Thick glasses that have no real purpose. That type.

“Is the rapist gone?” she asks me. I just stare at her. “Whatevs.”

“Go 'way” I tell her.

“Your new roommate is here” she says and skips away. She literally skips away.

Ugh.

Like I need this stress. Even though Sad Sack was a rapist he was still fun to talk to. Now I have to integrate myself with a new guy and who knows what the fuck his problem is gonna be. Maybe he touches people in his sleep. Oh, no. I like sleep. I don't wanna worry about being touched in my sleep! I open the door and he is laying on his bed and staring at the ceiling.

He looks about 40 years old. Hair is dyed jet black but his eyebrows are white. Wearing a t-shirt with jeans and sneakers. His eyes wander over to me, he smiles, and waves slowly.

He's the gay.

“Hey” he says to me. Yeah. So the gay. “My name's--”

“No names, Saucy” I tell him. “My name's Alan Thompson and I'm an alcoholic.”

“But you just said--”

“So what are you in here for?” I ask as I shake his hand. He sits up. This guy is in great shape. He smiles knowing that I know that he is in great shape. Gays can do that, you know.

“Family wants me to get the gay out” he says.

“I knew it!”

“Is it that obvious?” he asks. “I've been trying to butch it up a bit.”

“You butched too far” I say.

“Is it the shirt?”

“Its definitely the shirt, but the tight jeans and hair don't help” I tell him. “How do you plan to get the gay out?”

“Family thinks that if I get the proper counseling that my homosexual tendencies will somehow go away” Saucy says. “Personally, I think its all bullshit but this is a nice vacation from the wife and kids.”

“Oh, god” I say. “You're married?”

“Yep” he says. “Wife. Three kids. Two teens and one just turned 6. The perfect American family.”

“Aside from the cock sucking...”

“Yeah” he laughs. “Aside from that.”

“Have you met our spiritual leader?” I ask.

“Oh, have I” he says. “That man is neither straight nor gay” he says of Mr. W. Scott. “He's like a chair. Just there existing.”

“He has a daughter” I tell him. “She's hot. Not that you'd care.”

“Just because I'm not straight doesn't mean I can't appreciate the beauty of a woman” he says. I clap, startling him. “Spit it out.”

“That's what he said!”

“Good lord, you're like a nervous little boy playing with your dick you're so excited to be in the same room with a gay man” he says. “I know you have questions for a gay man that you've always been afraid to ask.”

“The only thing I'm afraid of is scratch and sniff stickers and novelty jelly beans” I say.

“Why?”

“How do they make a formula that tastes like snot and vomit?” I ask. “Its wrong. Its so wrong.” Saucy's eyes go big for a moment. “He's right behind me isn't he?”

“Do not let Mr. Alan Thompson's behavior affect you the way it has many others during his stay at our facility” Mr. W. Scott says. “Tomorrow morning there will be physical activities. Men against women.”

“I volunteer as tribute!” I shout. Saucy chuckles but stops when Mr. W. Scott looks up from his clipboard at us. He checks something off and leaves the room.

“He is intense” Saucy says.

The big ass ant standing near the bathroom nods in agreement.  

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