Monday, July 11, 2016

Five Things I Learned Ain't Sexy To Me

There are a lot of things that folks find sexy that I don't. Like abs on women. I know some people think that's the jam but to me its not. Hey. This is my blog. I can say whatever I want. I have written the Five Things I Learned Ain't Sexy To Me. I am sure you may disagree with this and you are free to be as wrong as you want.

Being One Of The Guys

This term when used by most chicks just bugs me because it means that they are embodying all the worst qualities about a guy. They will brag about how much they like to get laid. How they can just fuck someone and not care if they hear from them. They proclaim their love of farting and belching. They talk about how much they play video games and all their guy friends don't even look at them like a girl. Listen. I would look at Shane from The L Word like a girl and she was the most one of the guys girls on that show. No matter how much you think you are like a guy you are not and they would sleep with you if you looked at them for three seconds too long.

Being a guy has a lot of benefits, of course, but the cons if you're straight is trying to get with a girl. When a guy says that he wants a girl that is one of the guys he means he wants one that will not do the things that guys tend to say bug them when they are dating someone. They don't want a girl asking where they are, nagging them about cleaning/shopping/money/looking at other girls, or being clingy. In which case I say just not date someone or find a good ol' fashioned fuck buddy. Those still exist. There are apps for them. If you are a girl and describe yourself as “one of the guys”be prepared to be treated as such and realize that its not as fun as you think.

Bragging About Sexual Skills

This one skeeves me right the hell out. My best friend has witnessed my reaction to hearing a chick that I could have possibly maybe made a failed attempt at getting with years ago talk herself right out of my pants by bragging about her blowjob skills. Another time someone talked made shit about how good they were and till this day it was the absolute worst blowjob I've ever received. Ever. I would suggest you not brag about them and just let them show. Its not like a guy is going to turn you down because you aren't talking about how long your tongue is and how easy it is for you to do the splits.

By the way, neither of those things are sexy to me. I don't give a damn how long your tongue is unless its a problem and I never plan to be acrobatic in bed so you can keep that to yourself. The fastest way for me to test out my parkour skills and leave you alone is to talk about how easy you can finish a guy off or how many men you have slept with. Just...just don't do that to me. My imagination is too vivid and my family has a history of heart issues.

Cinched In Waist

I don't know who started this bullshit up again and you can't keep blaming the Kardashian's for every single wrong thing women begin. But this style is creepy as shit to me. I like women of all shapes and sizes but the world knows that I love me some big legs. I also like extra weight on a woman. Telling me that your pants don't fit anymore or that you need to lose a few pounds is like waving a red flag at a bull. And by bull I mean my penis. I will always aim higher than lower when looking at a woman. But these women with big legs are doing this thing where their waists are super skinny and its only cute on cartoon characters.


This is like 90% of the reason why I don't go to strip clubs. The other 10% is that I don't wanna bump into a relative on stage and I am afraid of catching something new that they name after me. A strip club is like going to a restaurant and watching everyone else eat. I don't need to watch a chick moving around on stage, turning me on, and then throwing money at them with no benefit to me. I have the internet. I can Google Christina Hendricks nude and see what she looks like butt booty ass naked. Why would I spend money seeing someone I don't even know naked in a crowd? That shit ain't cute. But I digress.

A tease in the regular ass world bugs me fast. Its like “Oh, you're one of those...” and I won't even waste any more time around them. They also tend to be the ones that brag about their sexual skills so they hit two of the five. To me its either do something or don't. And why tease about things you can do but have no intention of showing? Its weird. Stop being weird, you weirdo.


This is one of those things that is sexy in small bursts in the right places. But it seems that nowadays that no matter where you go or what someone looks like that you will see a chick wearing something that makes horndogs happy and everyone else bow their heads in shame. And I say “someone looks like” because even though we live in a world where we lie socially and say that anyone can wear anything they want but in the really real world we know that they shouldn't but don't want to say anything because we don't want to appear like a bully. No, you're just being honest. Showing everything is not sexy.

I'm not talking about a girl in leggings. I fucking love leggings. They follow second to red draws and third to a plaid skirt. But there is a time, place, and style for everything. If you are wearing white leggings and colored draws you will attract nothing but the wrong kind of attention. If you are wearing shorts so small that I can see the change in your pocket there is something wrong. I wanna say I'm not trying to tell girls how to dress but I don't feel like lying. I totally am telling girls how to dress. If you and your girlfriends take a picture and one of you is dressed this way and no one said anything rest assured that they did when you weren't around.

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