Monday, November 13, 2017

KIds These Days 74

Kids these days are missing out on some great candy. Specifically bubble gum. When I was little I would always have something sweet in my mouth which is why my teeth were weak as green tea and rotted away or were easily knocked out. Dubble Bubble probably accounted for 30% of my tooth rot. These were cheap as hell and available anywhere. If you had a quarter which was hard to come by unless Grandmama was feeling generous you had five pieces and these things would last forever. I would chew these all day and fall asleep with a wad in my mouth and wake up looking like a spider had its way with my face. I would even take the wad out and stick it in my headboard and wake up and pop it in my mouth. Dental care, schmental care. I love chewing this cheap shit. Open up that package, lick some of that dust off (whatever the hell that was), and get to chewing for the next eight hours. Do kids even chew gum anymore? Like regular ass gum?

Hot Dog Bubblegum was not one of my favorites but for some reason I would end up with these tiny dicks in my mouth. They weren't hot or anything and the flavor went away faster than a Black father but I still liked them. You know that disgusting Fireball drink that folks like? They tasted kinda like that but without the horrible aftertaste and questionable sex. They had a slightly crunchy outside and suddenly cinnamon was forced into your mouth. These were not one of the cheaper gums so I didn't get it too often.

F**k Your Sign

Next to religious differences the next worse thing you can base a friendship or relationship on is zodiac signs. “Ooh, you're a Pisces?!” said no one ever. Dead serious. I spells it wrong most times. When someone asks me what my sign is I already know that it's not gonna make them happy. For whatever reason people do not like Pisces. I had no say in the matter of which month I was born in and even if I did I would not pick a particular one. It's not like I can say that one month is better than another. Here is my horoscope for today from a few sites.

“Career matters are probably going well for you, but you might be unsure if you want to continue along this track. You might consider other options, perhaps some you've always wanted to try but have never been in a position to do. Don't feel you have to decide now. You have plenty of time. Don't make a move until you're sure.”

Friday, October 20, 2017

The Whitest Of Knights

One time I looked at a woman across the street and wondered what she smelled like. Another time I liked one just because she had bomb ass legs. There was one that had the body of a Jessica Rabbit but the face of a Moe from The Simpson's and I wanted to volunteer as tribute. There have been countless ones that I have liked for purely physical reasons. There have been ones I liked that were ugmos but cool as hell and I even dated a couple. And hold on to your monocles because there have been women I've liked based purely on their hairstyle. We are living in a time right now where things you think let alone say can be used against you as a weapon and I am choosing to just opt out altogether.

There have been women I complemented only to hear them complain about the very thing I complimented them on. Saying something like “I like that shirt” ended with me staring at them as they spent the next two minutes telling me why they hated the shirt but “thanks.” It take a lot for me to compliment someone now because of that kinda shit. But now? Fuck complementing anything including the chef because anything can be taken as an insult. I used to say asshole guys ruined compliments to women or just straight up talking to them because because of them women had to walk around with their guard up. Facebook gave my cousin the option to report an image I made and I just laughed.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Don't Hate The Player

Now I saw this chick Kijuana Nige online a few days ago after I heard the story of the offensive line coach from the Miami Dolphins named Chris Foerster filming himself doing coke. I watched the video with sound and laughed my ass off seeing this man railing coke with some $20 bills and recording himself talking to a lady. I'm not sure why you would record that act since it would only be a good idea if you were on coke. Just answered my own question. In the video he says:

“Hey baby, miss you, thinking about you.” He continues “What do you think? Crazy? It's going to be awhile before we can do this again. But I think about you when I do it. I think about how I miss you, how we got together, how much fun it was. So much fun. Last little bit, before I go into my meeting. That fucked up babe? You think? I wish I was licking this off your pussy.” Now...come on. This guy is why I don't know how to talk dirty.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Dante Bitches About Ambitious Sex Positions

Goddamn it, Cosmo. I found this article called 5 Ambitious Sex Positions For the Brave and Flexible that should be called 5 Things To Do To End Up In The Hospital. I think this was made by someone that is trying to get people into a chiropractic office. By the way chiropractors are bullshit. Seriously. Look up who created it. Total bullshit and super dangerous. But this is not about that. This is about some sex positions written allegedly by a woman for you to try if you are dating a woman with loose elbows and a thick neck.

If you are daring, up for a challenge and super flexible, see if you can get yourself into one of these hardcore positions. Bonus points if you remember to stretch first.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 71

One of the reasons I am glad that I do these blogs other than the fact that it keeps me indoors is that I find out some interesting things about nature. And by interesting I mean terrifying. I just read a story about a guy in Texas that tried to shoot an armadillo. Yes. I said tried. It is reported that around 3am, which is the bitching hour, dude saw an armadillo in his yard and decided that it didn't belong there. So he took three shots at the damned thing.

One of the bullets bounced off the armadillo and hit his dumb ass in the jaw. He had to be airlifted to a hospital and had his mouth wired shut. I'm sure his wife who was inside is full of all the shame. A sheriff stated “We didn't find the armadillo” which means that there is a goddamn bulletproof armadillo running around the streets of Texas! I think if I saw an armadillo I would wait for it to curl into a ball. If it didn't I'd just shrug and walk away. Sure as fuck wouldn't take a shot at it.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 27

Jasmine has returned from Thailand for another episode! We talk about her trip which included not watching Thai fighting, talk about the list if anti-Dante, the health dangers of long ass flights, taste test some chips from Thailand, our Fat Tour, the world's largest woman dying, the Kardashian pregnancy epidemic, the magic of Dante's Spank Bank, not having kids for a while, Jasmine talks about people wanting photos because Black, and so much more nonsense. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

My Current Jam: Toni Storm

This is Toni Storm and she has the best ass in wrestling. That's right, I said it. The best. By far. Dare you to find a better one. Oh, and she can totally wrestle. She was born in New Zealand and lived in Australia but at 13 convinced her mother to let her move to England so she could train to be a wrestler because in Australia you don't say no to people, even children. She's only 21 now so she's pretty much a baby and I have zero chance with her because, like, she probably exercises and shit. Has to keep in shape and all that. So yeah. I first saw who she was watching the Mae Young Classic wrestling tournament and immediately became a fan.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex

I dislike Cosmopolitan with the type of hatred reserved for people battling vengeful Roman gods that wipe out generations of children just to bone their mother. Every once in a while I'll check their site out to see what terrible advice they are giving women and men or to learn what not to do and complain about. In this Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex I am gonna post what they have written, Frank Kobola (if that's his real name) and post my own response because that is what I do. Respond. Never act. I'm like the Floyd Mayweather Jr. of blogs. But taller. And less rich. And slightly more liked.

1) There's not much to see. In terms of tried-and-true “lie on top of each other and pork” style missionary, you’re not getting to see much of the action. Guys especially are very visual during sex, and as romantic as it is to stare into your eyes while boning, it isn’t exactly titillating. Yes, we love looking at your lovely face, but we get to see that every time we go out to dinner or brush our teeth together in the mirror. This is about sex, specifically nakedness. And virtually every other sex position imaginable gives guys a better look at your body.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 70

Bombardier beetle. Haha. Well played nature. Make a bug that can shoot explosions out of its ass. Makes perfect sense. This insect version of a frat boy or three year old (which are mysteriously gassy!) can even choose what direction they want to shoot this shit at you. It keeps two chemicals, hydroquinone and hydrogen peroxide, loaded in the chamber and once it is ejected the air makes it become an explosion. 

Oh, and in case you think I'm just worrying for nothing these things live everywhere except Antarctica. These baby monsters hunt at night consuming other bugs using its natural shotgun powered ass. And its not like this thing hits you once and escapes like a Black teenager. No. This stores enough ass bullets to get you about twenty times which is enough to kill most of what it is hunting for. You should see the video of these goddamn things. Its not like some little “pewn!” comes out. It'd be like running up on a kid thinking you can steal their candy and they whip out a weapon from Fallout. I also don't like that it looks like other insects. Is it a bee? A wasp? (shoots fire) Nope. 

Click here for previous Dante Vs Nature.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Five Things I Learned Having Crushes

I get crushes. Not often but it happens and when it does I tend to sigh heavily on the inside and moan like a sick whale on the outside. I don't know about you but when I have a crush it tends to be more annoying than this fun experience like it is in movies. For me a crush is different than liking someone. When I like someone, or god forbid fall in love, it is definite and there will be some action taken. When it's a crush it can drag on for damn near a year of questioning everything from my clothing choices to multi-verses where I'm far more confident in my ability to confront these wicked city women I fall for. In this Five Things I Learned Having Crushes you will get a taste of my struggle. There are really more than five but you don't need to know that much about me. You already know too much. Stop being nosy. I'll be getting some help with this from Ralph Wiggum.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

Just Talking With Dante Episode 26

Jasmine has returned and we talk about a Fat Tour she denies, me having trouble finding a hard bath brush, being intentionally uninformed, discuss the recent eclipse, Y2K, cults, the logistics of nudity in heaven, too much celebrity news, The Bachelor and reality show sex, bad street walkers, health and food panicking, the shocking truth about chicken eggs, and so much more. We were all over the damned place. In case you're wondering about the sirens and helicopters were later found out a huge fire was happening down the street. Click here for this and previous Just Talking With Dante.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Grown Ass Man Tips: Staring

Staring at folks is dangerous. Just look at the animal kingdom. Staring directly at another creature's eyes can end with you being beaten like a drum or ending up on a t-shirt with your start and end date. The same goes for humans. How many post-primates do you know that like to start some shit because they “were looked at the wrong way”? Cut that shit out. There are times when someone looks at me for too long and I'm not sure if I am supposed to fight or fuck them. If I can look you in the eyes for more than two seconds chances are I am screaming inside my head for you to put your lips against mine or we are cool as fuck. Otherwise I look into your eyes, make sure you're not a figment of my sleep deprived imagination, and continue talking. 

Friday, August 18, 2017

The Seven Ex's You'll Have

This post is gonna apply to men and women so don't get confused when I switch between terms like “he” and “she” and shit like that. I mean, that doesn't even matter to a lot of folks these days. Its just a regular ol' bangarang orgy in these streets! In this post The Seven Ex's You'll Have I will talk just about that. This will of course include some experiences I've had in the past and since I ain't had a real girlfriend in four years or any stank on my hang low in over one I feel that I am an expert in talking about this kinda thing. Or not. Either way I have a blog, fingers, and too many opinions I like to share with strangers. 

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

My Current Jam: Tabria Majors

When you say someone is a BBW that second B is real important. There are too many BW's adding that extra B when they don't deserve it. That's right, I said it. I first spotted Tabria Majors on TMZ for some Sports Illustrated photo shoot because I don't think anyone reads that shit for actual sports anymore. Anyhoot, this chick is cute as fuck. I need to do another post explaining what the hell that term even means. Like, she is so cute I don't wanna touch her. She's like one of those cakes with all that pretty shit on it. You just wanna stare at it because its too pretty to ruin. If I was dating her I wouldn't want her parents to know that I was having the sex with her. Just apologize to her father every time I met him.