Friday, October 12, 2018

Machinery Hanging Out

There's nothing worse than uninvited penis. Uninvited is usually unexpected and the last place you ever expect to see a penis (all Catholic accusations aside) is in church. But 21 year old North Dakota resident Zachary Burdick was like “You know what this church is missing? Meth. Meth and penis.” So he introduced both to the equation. This week on a Tuesday morning mass at Spirit of Life Church which means that church had the most dedicated of church goers inside because who the hell else goes to church on a Tuesday morning, and got butt booty ass naked. He then got into the baptismal fountain and when he got out he was feeling the wrong kinda spirit and he started jerking it while walking towards the altar. There were 75 people inside the church at the time.

A witness told the police that Zachary splashed around in the fountain and then entered the area with his “machinery hanging” and “pumping” himself up. I laughed when I read that shit. Father Todd Kreitinger was conducting mass at the time and said Zachary had “dipped his rear-end into the Holy Water fountain and splashed around a bit before entering the sanctuary while masturbating.” The price to clean the fountain is said to be $500. I don't know why it costs anything. Just empty it, fill it back up, and bless it. I'm not even sure what kinda fountain it was. There seems to be a lot and they are expensive. When questioned Zachary said that he was tweaking and said he used meth and hashish oil. He also told police that he was trying to “bust a nut” in the church. He's been charged with indecent exposure which will count as a felony because it was within 50 feet of where kids would have been.


Apparently preschoolers were there at the time! And he was also trying to bless people, hopefully not with what I am thinking, and handing out the Book or Mormon. He also wants to be a rapper. This just keeps getting worse. Yep. He also has a kid. After this news broke his baby mama posted “Well, there goes child support.”

Friday, September 7, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Keeping Your Cool

Throwing tantrums only works if you are a toddler or an attractive woman. If you are a grown ass man that starts yelling when you don't get your way chances are people are talking about you behind your back. Sadly, you may not even know that you are doing the opposite of keeping your cool and you're being a punk ass bitch. Yeah. No one wants to be that but how do you know you're being one if no one tells you? The thing is we now live in a time where asking for the truth is only safe around friends and some family. Not all of them because we all know aunt Patty is a gossip. 

There are many ways to learn how to keep your cool. Taking deep breaths. Counting to ten. Learning how to meditate. Float tanks. Exercising some of that bitchassness away. One way to check your keeping cool levels is to ask yourself a few questions and be honest about it. If someone cuts you off in traffic what do you do? Now ask someone who rides in the car with you what you do. If the grocery line is long what sounds do you make? Are they bitch sounds like heavy sighing or passive aggressive watch checking even though you ain't wearing one? When someone raises their voice do you take that as a chance to raise yours even louder?

Thursday, August 30, 2018

The Seven Friends Your Friends Have

Whenever I write posts like these a bit of myself is in some of the personality types I'm shit talking. I do not have many friends. I have people that think they are my friend or closer to me than I have actual friends. I know that I am not an easy friend to have because I have a set of rules that I do not break and if I do it is because that ass was just too good to pass up. I know it is annoying and aggravating to my friends and people getting to know me like when you wonder why Batman won't just kill The Joker.

It's because Batman doesn't kill!

So in this post I am going to talk about The Seven Friends Your Friends Have. I write this knowing that I am some of these things to people at least for the time being. Hell I might be all of them. Meeting the friends of your friends can be either exciting or terrifying depending on what they have told you about them or given you a heads up like “Susan is a close talker.” If I meet someone's friend and they are cool I know that I'll end up being a better friend than my friend if I want. It's happened. It's not pretty.

Monday, August 27, 2018

How Not To Make A Baby

When I first heard this story from Cam I hoped it was fake. I have checked multiple sites and so far it is coming up Milhouse so I decided to write about it. A couple in China were struggling to have a baby after trying for four years of their marriage. The guy was 26 and the lady 24. Young adults. Pretty much toddlers. Their family was all over them because they had not had a kid yet. They went to a doctor to figure out what the deal was and it turns out that they were doing it wrong. Like, way wrong. They were having butt sex to conceive a child. Yeah. Even as I write this I am hoping that this is fake and that someone, let alone two people, do not think that anal sex is how a baby is made.

An obstetrician named Liu Hongmei was told by the wife that sex was painful and worried she may have a disease. The doctor using science determined that the wife was still a virgin and gave them some sex education handbook probably called “Sex For Dummies.” A few months later she got pregnant and they sent her a few chickens and eggs to thank her. It seems that this not knowing how to bone down properly is an actual thing. Sex ain't talked about that way and students have held protests demanding that they get the proper education. Here my whole thing. I knew how to have sex over a decade before it happened. I got a cousin that is equal in intelligence to a wombat that somehow has two kids. He figured that shit out. I don't know how you can have sex with someone for four years and not accidentally knock on the wrong door.

Friday, August 17, 2018

Dante Vs. Nature 76

Some damned fool decided to play a game of slap ass with a hippo at the L.A. Zoo. This ass smacking bandit has not been caught yet but was filmed climbing the way too short for what is inside wall and acting like he was at an Atlanta strip club. The two hippos, Rosie and her daughter Mara, were just minding their business when this guy decided to take the highway to the danger zone and get his smack on. It doesn't seem like smacking a hippo is a bad thing...if you dumb. 

I saw this crazy documentary years ago called Congo with Bruce Campbell and it opened my eyes to the dangers of hippos. Later when the internet became a thing I could watch these creatures that I thought wiggled their ears, flung shit out their butts and swatted it like a fan with their tail, and had little birds eat leavings in their teeth chase Africans at speeds that made no sense and proved that god was not only cruel but liked a good laugh. They say about 500 people are killed by hippos every year in Africa which means the real number is closer to 20,000 because Africa don't wanna look like no punk bitch being killed by river pigs. If I were this guy I'd never want to be caught because showing up to court is gonna be eleven kinds of embarrassing and if he is locked up it is he who will become the hippo. Plus smacking butts is just rude unless they are into it. Then its fun as hell. But not with hippos. Don't smack hippo ass. Ever.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Grown Ass Man Tips: Standing Down

There are times in your life when you feel like you need to say something. Not because you are a man and “mansplaining” which is a term I hate because no matter what gender you are we all do it. But, men, we are at a time in history where learning to shut the fuck up, don't get involved, and picking your battles is more important than ever. Today guys are throwing themselves on grenades that are in the other room. They will hear something in passing and chime in. They will start an argument just because it is a thing to do and it is way out of hand now. They consider it a debate or discussion when in reality they are unhappy with their life in some way and looking for anything to distract them from dealing with it. “Why would I waste my time cleaning my house, taking better care of my body, and being nice to my people when there are women trying to walk around topless in New York?! What? No. I live in California, but still. Topless!”

Over the last few years I have made an effort to stand down more. Not because of society or because what is allegedly between my legs. But because it is just not worth my time to get involved in shit that does not concern me. I would lose my mind overhearing stupid things people were saying especially if they were talking about something I knew a lot about. But the strangest thing happened when I stopped doing it. I had more free time to think about things that interested me. I would just think “Damn, they are really confident in their ignorance” and continue about my day.

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Just Talking With Dante Episode 30

Jasmine is back! In this episode we talk about our not Fat Tour to Yardbird and Trejo's Donuts, me (Dante) talking about women and Jasmine accusing me of running from them, trying to stay healthy...ish, Kim Kardashian beefing with Tyson Beckford's old ass, I complain about fake butts, Demi Lovato od-ing, R. Kelly's new song “I Admit”, Jasmine assaults me with a song called “Sweet Tooth” by City Girls, people getting stabbed in theaters, I am shocked Jasmine does not go to concerts, and a woman biting noses off of faces. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 6

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Life is so much easier when you don't have a family or love anyone more than yourself. I know it sounds super shitty but it is true. Before I had the love of my life Ronica and my baby Milly aka Portable Rave all I cared about was solving problems in time to go to the club or before In & Out closed and making sure my mom stayed away from tabloid racks. But as I fly below ginormous spaceships that are trying to destroy the planet and heading home I am more afraid of what my lady is gonna say and do to me than I am about the world being blown up. This sucks. On the bright side I took the full blast from a laser beam from an alien ship and all's it did was knock me out.

For six days.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Just Talking With Dante Episode 29

Jasmine is here! We talk about the failure that was the DTLA Donut Fest, eating at Chimney, taste test some sodas, and find out a shocking surprise about our new favorite donut spot Donut Friend. Click here to check out previous episodes.


Friday, June 8, 2018

Dante's New Word Alert: Cuck

When I watch people play video games (yeah, I watch Cartoonz up in my room) or when I see a video of an angry dude shouting before being knocked out they scream this word “cuck.” I was like “Do they mean what I think they mean?” because I thought it meant the word cuckold and due to some of my internet habits that means something way different and would be weird to shout at someone. Urban Dictionary, the foremost source of knowing what the fuck you kids are saying describe a cuck as:

“A man who lets his wife or girlfriend have sex with other men. Often the man lets her do whatever she wants and treat him like shit” as well as “A man who is desperate for acceptance, approval, and affection from women. This desperation has led to the compromise of his beliefs and values, the desecration of his dignity and self-worth, and his inability to stand up for himself and what he deserves as a human being, eg. loyalty, fidelity, and honesty in a romantic relationship.”

Sunday, June 3, 2018

Dante Saves You: Jurassic Park Edition

It has been years since I have tried to save you all and look at what's happened. Wars all over the world. A freak for a president. Hawaii is being very Hawaiian. It's nuts. So I have returned once again to try and teach you goofy bastards how to save yourself from yourselves because y'all like to leave the house and when that happens weird and violent shit occurs. In this Dante Saves You I'll save you from the various Jurassic Parks. Why? Because there are fucking dinosaurs there and you need to not go but decided to anyway because you wanted a selfie with something that could eat you and be hungry again before it even shits you out.

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Kids These Days 77

I was talking to Cam a few days ago about things that were around when we were little and I thought of the vacuum. Yeah, they still make them these days but not the way they did when I was little. Probably because hundreds of children were devoured by them. My Grandmama had one that had to weigh about 40 pounds and had a spotlight on the front because...reasons. Maybe for vacuuming in the dark or under couches in which case your couch is too damned high if this could fit underneath it. If the weight was not enough you had to worry about all the different components. I also need to point out that it sounded like the apocalypse when it was on. 

Today if the vacuum is full you just take out the convenient compartment and dump it out. Groovy. Back in the day you had to throw out a bag, eat some of the dust whether you wanted to or not, and put on another bag. Simple. But not at all. After attaching the bag you would have to secure it with a black band (which after working in a porn shop realized looked exactly like cock rings) and hope you did it right. There was also a belt that made the brush turn. It was a whole thing that was not fun and I'd wait until someone else changed the bag because I liked cleaning but hated set up.

Friday, May 25, 2018

When Your Kid Won't Leave

I do not have kids. But I used to be one. And one thing that I know was that I wanted to move away from my parents as soon as I could. Did I try hard? No. I should have gotten a job in junior high and/or high school. I should have made a plan. But I didn't. I planned on vanishing after school and just wandering the planet until I landed in Japan. Thankfully when I was 18 I got a job and was able to move into my ex's home with her family and after being booted with no backup place to live I got the place I've been living in for 19 years now. But while living with my ex and her family I cleaned every day, took out trash, helped with laundry, cleaned litter boxes, walked the dog, and other things. I offered to pay rent but that was turned down. I have been super unemployed with only thirty-five cents to my name at one point in time. I'm saying all this to say that shit can get rough. I don't have a family that can throw thousands of dollars at me to dig me out of a hole and I'll be damned if I ever move back in with them.

30 year old Michael Rotondo does not feel the same way as me.

About eight years ago he lived in his own place for a year and a half and during that time he used his penis irresponsibly and helped create a human. He ended up losing his job and moved back in with his parents. Understandable. He was previously working at Best Buy but quit after refusing to work Saturdays because that is when he'd get to see his kid. He also sued for discrimination. Of course he did not win. He also went to community college to study engineering but quit when he “couldn't hack the math.” There is a term being tossed around called “failure to launch syndrome” that is running wild like Hulkamania for a number of different reasons.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Dante Vs. Nature 75

You are looking at the image of a killer named Gerald. I heard this story on a podcast and thought that they were making it up but it turns out that a damned giraffe killed a man. I have seen them fight each other but seriously thought they posed zero threat to humans. I was wrong. I even checked how many people have been killed by giraffes. Zero. I just see them chasing people or them doing that stupid fighting that they do where they throw their necks at one another. A South African director named Carlos Carvalho was killed by Gerald after being headbutted. 

His focus puller named Drikus van der Merwe said “I was standing right next to Carlos when the giraffe suddenly swung its neck and hit him on his head above his ear and sent him flying about four or five meters through the air.” That's 12 to 15 feet and a far ass distance to be launched by a headbutt. He added “It came out of nowhere and Carlos didn’t even see it coming. He wasn't aware of the danger.” Yeah. That's nature for you. 

Its strange how people and nature work. If this was a dog it would be shot and killed. If it were a whale people would find reasons why it attacked. But a giraffe? Ain't nobody trying to take out a giraffe. A spokesperson for the location where people can come and film and photograph these animals said “He was unauthorised to film. He went off on his own. He wanted to get some shots to prove a point. He was trying to excel. Gerald was not to blame and would not be put down. We are not going to shoot Gerald. He was not in the wrong. I don't consider him to be a dangerous animal.” Apparently just this past Monday a lion attacked and killed his owner and as put down because of it. “He's just a huge wild animal and the guy disobeyed safety regulations. I'm very sad for his family. But I'm not one of those people who blames the animals.” 

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Dante's New Word Alert: Incels

I just found out something new. Incels. I had never heard this phrase or term before and decided to check it out. I thought that this was a joke or some small thing that would go away. Turns out that it has been around, like, forever, but was given the name “involuntarily celibate” by a lady from Toronto named Alana in 1993 after she came out as bisexual. She started a forum online, Alana's Involuntary Celibacy Project, but shut it down because, surprise!, a bunch of angry ass men joined to rage against women that didn't want to bone down with them. She stated in 2016 interview in Elle “Like a scientist who invented something that ended up being a weapon of war, I can't uninvent this word, nor restrict it to the nicer people who need it.”

Urban Dictionary's top rated definition states that an Incel is “involuntarily celibate, a person (usually male) who has a horrible personality and treats women like sexual objects and thinks his lack of a sex life comes from being ugly when its really just his blatant sexism and terrible attitude. Incels have little to no self awareness; even when they see other 'ugly' men with girlfriends, they consider these men to be tricksters who have somehow beat the system and can get women despite being cursed with unattractiveness.” New York Times describe it as “Incels are misogynists who are deeply suspicious and disparaging of women, whom they blame for denying them their right to sexual intercourse.”