Rosscast Episode 1: Honey Bunches of Hoe's

I talk about the things that old cartoons from my youth and past relationships have in common.

Podcastin' Ain't East...

Are You Fine With Swine?

Okay. I’ll do it. I didn’t want to write a blog about this swine flu shit but I have no choice. I cant even listen to my favorite podcasts without the damned topic coming up. Happy, world?! Look what you’ve made me do!

When I first heard there was some pig flu going around I thought the police were going on strike again! Ba-dum-bump! Thank you! I’ll be here all week. Try the pork chops! Or not. They have been showing this stuff all over the news. Now don’t get me wrong. The news should show this kind of thing. It’s a nasty little bugger that could kill if left untreated. They are telling people that if they feel like shit to just stay home. But you know, you just know, that some asshole that is coughing up a lung and crapping up a storm are dragging their ass to work and making others sick. Its all about being careful at this point.

The thing that is bothering me aside from the fact that my precious bacon is being threatened is that the news is trying to cause a panic. There is a line from Men In Black that I still remember and love.

“A person is smart. People are dumb panicky dangerous animals and you know it.”

You have all these people walking around with this false sense of security because they are wearing masks. Let me tell you something: you are wearing the wrong masks! I worked in a hospital where I dealt with folks that had all kinds of airborne diseases. There are multiple type masks you can wear. The ones you are seeing on the news are the wrong kind. To effectively stop this disease you need one that has droplet protection. These masks suck to wear and whenever I had to I knew it would mean difficulty breathing and me sweating. The ones people are sporting are the equivalent of pulling your shirt over your nose.

If we are really going to fight this shit we have to do it right. If you are really afraid of this disease hurting your kids keep them at home. If you got some mysterious sniffles keep your monkey ass at home. And don’t eat pork. That just means more bacon for me!

Rockets.

Why Won't They Stop?!

I liked the first Saw movie. I rented it years ago. It was a really f-ed up film. Making you look at the things you do to the people around you. No matter what small thing you do has a huge affect on the people that we come in contact with. Then there was Saw 2, 3, 4, and then 5.

I wondered how in the hell these movies could keep going, especially after the damned guy died. This wasn’t like the Jason movies where when someone died they came back. This is somewhat based in reality. Okay. Loosely based in reality. The killer was dead. We saw him die. If what killed him didn’t do it the terminal cancer he had would. But they found a way around that. They had his helper doing the killings. Then she got killed. Now where does that leave us?

The next killer. The movie keeps on going and all is well with the world. There’s nothing left to discuss, right? Nope. Now there is a part 6 coming out and that bothers me to no end. Alex just posted a list of the next set of sequels coming out and it makes my head spin.

Predator sequel entitled: “Predators” (because the last ones were so awesome, right?)
Alien prequel (leave it be!)
Drop Dead Fred remake (excuse me?)
Wall Street 2 starring Shia LeBeauf (aka The Franchise Kid)
Clueless 2 (huh?)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit 2 (gotta be joking…)
Adventures in Babysitting (oh, hell no!)
Indiana Jones 5 (hahahahaha!!!)
Fast and Furious (the sequel that’s a prequel)
Tron reboot (the first was terrible why make another one?)
Robin Hood (why?)
Terminator: Salvation (which may rock)
Transformers 2 (ugh…)
Da Vinci Code: Angels and Demons (I am excited)
Clash of the Titans (leave it alone!)
Night at the Museum 2 (stop)
Twilight 2 (and I should care because…?)
2 Harry Potter sequels (I skipped the last few)
Wanted 2 (because the first was so good…)
S. Darko (the Donnie Darko sequel that should never be done)
H2: Halloween remake (come on…)
Crank 2 (one of the worst movies ever made!)
Nightmare on Elm Street (is this part 18 or 19?)
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (again!)
Toy Story 3 (the 2nd blew hard)
Sin City 2 (not even excited anymore)
Spider-Man 4 (who are the villains?)
X-Men: First Class (because…?)
Batman 3 (yes!)
Iron Man 2 (sorry, Terrance)
Ghostbusters 3 (only Kiyoshi cares)

We movie lovers say that there is a lack of originality and that is why so many sequels are being made. That’s not it. Its because no matter how bad some of these films were they made money. If you want an original film see a foreign one. That is until its made again in America. I am dreading the remakes of “Let the Right One In”, “Old Boy”, and “Night Watch.” Awesome foreign films that someone saw and liked so much that they thought they should make it all over here. Of course I doubt in the remake you’ll see things like live squid eating, slashed vaginas, or half-worlds populated by blood/soul sucking mosquitoes. These are the things that get lost in translation when remaking foreign films. Anyhoot, back to my rant.

There are plenty of original films to be made. I know because I write. I have friends that write and make movies. If you put me, Alex, Cam, Kiyoshi, and Jess in a room and gave us two hours we could make a film that the world would wanna see. Everyone has a great film in them. But for some reason shit rises to the top faster than taste. God, that sounded horrible.

Rockets.

This Is How It Starts...

There is always something that happens that makes me say “This is how it starts.” Last year it was scientists fucking around with that atom smasher. Now its these firemen in the UK wearing freaking space helmets. These things make me nervous.

Imagine you’re in a burning building. Some dude comes crashing through the door with an axe in his hand and wearing that mask (the one up top). I would be able to piss the flames out. I’d think I was being abducted. I wonder how they came up with the design.

“Right! So we need a new design for our helmets! Ideas!”

“We can try something heroic.”

“No! That’s stupid!”

“Okay…”

“We need something that inspires fear!”

“Fear?”

“Right! Fear! I’m thinking metal. Shiny metal! Face completely covered. Nigel! Rent some space films and come back with something we can use!”

The future tends to make me nervous when I used to get excited about it. I remember years ago reading about how by 2007 we were supposed to have stations on the moon and men on Mars. We can barely survive getting back to Earth if a tiny piece of foam falls off. And don’t get me started on the fact that I don’t have a laser gun, flying car, or metal pants. Yes, metal pants.

Rockets.

Finger Bitin' Mad?!

Upset over unpaid wages, a Serbian union official chops off his finger and eats it to protest the situation. "We, the workers, have nothing to eat. We had to seek some sort of alternative food and I gave them an example," Zoran Bulatovic says.

I can think of a hundred other ways to show that there is nothing to eat. This is way too extreme. I’m pretty sure actually that I would eat my own shit before I cut off my finger and ate it. I have a problem with protest in general without taking it to the levels of eating myself. Do you think this changed the mind of anyone in charge of union dues? No. It just showed that this guy was a nut.

I have been to a protest once. Years ago against the FCC when Howard Stern was being raped with fines. Me and a few hundred other idiots stood in front of the federal building in Westwood standing there with signs. As I stood there I knew that what I was doing would not do anything. Honking a car does nothing to support folks. It just makes noise. All that happened was I missed a few hours of work and Stern eventually left the air thus ruining my mornings at the porn shop.

I don’t even like looking at protests. They don’t accomplish anything unless you start burning shit. I always say if you flip a car over all bets are off. I remember when teachers would go on strike every year like it was a holiday. It was cool because then we could act wilder than usual. At my junior high they forced us to picket with them a couple years in a row until we started using the signs for weapons. God, what about those guys that set themselves on fire years ago? Here’s how I would protest.

“Hey, ya’ll. Stop fucking with me.”

Rockets.

Finger Lickin' Mad!!!

I came across this story where in New York this Popeye’s chicken ran out of chicken. I know that sounds crazy but not when you also know that they were giving it out for free. Also, El Pollo Loco is doing a free chicken thing with KFC following suit. What’s with all this free chicken?!

This isn’t about free chicken though. This is about folks losing their damned minds because places are out of it. I understand people getting mad if they called off from work to get some or something. But saying that your kids wont eat tonight because of this? Come on, people! Take you (no racism intended) monkey ass home and cook a meal for your kids! This is what’s wrong with the world today (not exactly but its close to bad teaching and Super AIDS). Yelling at a recorded voice message while you sit there in your flashy ass clothes and stunner shades while driving a car that gets 8 miles to the gallon about how your kids cant eat because Popeye’s is out of free chicken. Kiss my finger lickin’ ass.

When I was on Sunset earlier the El Pollo Loco had a line so long it was in front of McDonald’s. I heard a guy say “They got the nerve to charge for a drink and beans & rice with the free chicken!” Uh, yeah! They didn’t say “Free chicken, side dish, and a drink!” Just chicken. Damn it, why is this so hard to understand?

I need to stop before I actually start screaming at my computer. People getting mad about some damned chicken. Free chicken! Go home. Make a nice dinner for your kids. Also, while I was watching that I was praying that they would show some White folk. But, no. They didn’t. Damn.

Rockets.

Crap Chronicles III

“Oh, this ain't good…“

This is what crossed my mind as I headed to the bathroom. Like I said in a previous blog, I didn't have the best of diets a few years back. On a diet consisting on mostly beef my colon was like the 405 during 7:30am. At the behest of The Whore (I'll explain later sometime) I decided to go on a fast and cleanse.

The cleanse started with drinking this herbal laxative tea. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't doubt that the stuff would work. I just doubted how fast it would. Now here's the deal. I had to drink one cup of this stuff right before bed. It didn't taste half bad. I guzzled it down and was like, whatever. It was a Sunday night and there was no better way to start the week than with a nice, refreshing cleansing. Oh, this was such a bad idea.

I get up and it's Monday morning. This tea shit had had the entire night to work its way through my system. I figured that I would have to crap immediately or at the very least wake up prairie doggin' (bonus points of you get that joke). No dice. I did like I was told and drank another cup using the same bag. I got ready and headed downstairs to work thinking nothing of it.

Crap Chronicles II

So this next story has something in common as the last one. Apple juice, the bane of my existence. I was working at this place called Centinela Feed & Pet Supplies. This was a shit job. Not literally unless someone couldn’t control their pet and they decided to take a dump on the floor. Anyhoot, I was on my lunch break and decided to treat myself to a awesome lunch. Flaming Hot Cheetoos and a big ass bottle of apple juice.

What was I thinking?

So I’m sitting in the break room (meaning where all the pallets were kept) and eating this concoction all kinds of happy. As soon as I finish the apple juice I think to myself, “My, God. What have I just done…?” My stomach starts rumbling. Its go time.

I rush to the front counter and get the bathroom key. There’s only one and there are two keys. I take them both and run to the bathroom. I lock myself in there and start laying layers of toilet paper on there. I worked there and know how nasty the punk ass employees were let alone the people that used the bathrooms there. I sit down and try to keep things quiet. The door was paper thin and I knew that if I lost control I would alert everyone that someone was baking some brownies.

Someone started knocking.

Crap Chronicles

I was talking to someone about my bathroom habits. Cam jokes that I have only used her bathroom at her place twice even though I have been over her place plenty of times and drank many liquids. She isn’t lying. I rarely used the bathroom at other folks places. It goes past being a matter of privacy or cleanliness. This somewhat goes back to when I was little and my brothers would kick the door open when I was dropping a deuce. I have only freed James Brown twice outside of where I was living. This is one of those times.

I was about 12 years old. I was with my parents going to see my cousin Randy and head to the mall. Before we left I had a awesome breakfast of Raisin Bran and apple juice. Yeah. You see where this is going. So yeah. We all hopped in the car and made our way there. We sat there for half an hour when my stomach started rumbling. I had to shit. Now.

After squirming for a few minutes I told my parents that I was gonna head inside. I jumped out the car and just as I was making my way to my cousins place she comes out the door. I asked if I could use the bathroom and she was like, “No, let’s go.” 

Bitch.

By Way Of Ohio...

There’s this crazy ass kid I know. His name is Alex. Alex Hluch. My spell check and google hate his last name. I met him back in 2006 when I was working at UCLA Medical Center. We were patient escorts. We were the best patient escorts. We also happened to be goofy as hell.

I was hired so that he could change shifts for school or something (yes, that's me with the tacky spiked hair). I had seen him but had not talked to him that much. One day we had a call and a nurse was being rather bitchy. After he told her “Thank you. God bless” the elevator door closed and he proceeded to give her the DX crotch chop. “Wrestling fan?” I asked him. He was.

We started talking more and more and it turned out that he was cool as hell and the smartest 19 year old I knew. I was like 26 or maybe 27 and believed that people his age were half retarded and only concerned with getting money or fucking. Yes, Alex has his girls he would face rape if he could but he also happens to be one of the most upstanding people I know. He doesn’t bullshit you. With his girlish figure and baby blue eyes you’d think he would be totally different than he actually is.

He loves movies, comic books, and music. His tastes are all over the damned place. And as I mentioned, he is a huge fan or wrestling. Or he used to be. Wrestling has been sucking for years now and it was one of the reasons we started Living Room Wrestling. One day we were sitting in my apartment and started talking about making our own company. He created The White Shadow while I had Season Premiere. We made videos blasting each other back and forth. He teamed with Hector Con Carne to create the tag team White Meat. Good times.

One time we went to see the movie “Teeth.” I told him that this movie was traumatizing as hell but he didn’t believe me. He ended up balled up in the seat next to me whining. When we got back to my place I shot a video of us discussing everything from movies, porn, to zombie dancing. I miss seeing this fool.

He’s back in Ohio now finishing school. I cant wait until he gets back so we can start making more films and acting like fools in general. One of the last memories I have of the two of us together at work was moving a corpse and talking about wrestling. Hurry home, Hluch!

Rockets.

Swangs N' Thangs

Last week I went to the beach with my lady. Oh, it was so fun. In a few hours we managed to squeeze in a lot of stuff. Its funny but sometimes when you think you need an entire day to do something it turns out all you need is maybe three. We got some awesome fish & chips from this spot on The Pier. My lady (who will now be referred to as Jess) didn’t want the tartar sauce at first because she had some nasty ass kind a while back. She liked this and we chowed down on that before getting desert. We got some funnel cake. Well, she got the funnel cake and I got the cup of cookies and cream ice cream. This was some good funnel cake. It was covered in strawberries but somehow stayed crunchy as all get out. We sat there on the beach watching everyone and then headed for the playground.

Jess jumped on the swings and rubbed the fact that I couldn’t swing in my face. There’s nothing like having your girlfriend have to give you a head start on a swing. She is sitting there flying like a eagle while I am wearing my legs out trying to get a couple of feet off the ground.

I have never been able to swing properly. I start going sideways all jerky. Swings are fun for me once someone gets me going but if its all up to me its gonna be a while before I get up there. Little girls got on the swings and were getting higher than me. This is bullshit. Time for a test of strength!

I tried to climb a rope and jacked my hands up. I did well on the balance been. Next were the rings! I flipped my self upside down and hung up there. It was fun. I like the feeling I get just when I let go and before I hit the ground. Let’s see those little girls do this! I am manly, damn you! I can take down dozens of you if I wanted to.

Rockets.

Tattoos, Thai, & Travelling

So I had fun today. After reading, listening to podcasts, painting, and talking on the phone, I waited for my best friend/sister Cam to arrive. We were headed to get a tattoo for her. No, I haven’t gotten one yet. I was gonna stay with her while my other friend Ikuko gave her one. I’m sure it will look awesome when its done.

We get to Purple Panther and Ikuko and Cam finally meet after all the back and forth and phone calls to set this up. Cam shows her what she wants and they discuss it. Time to get a tattoo, right? No. By the time we got there and tried to cross the street during busy ass Sunset Blvd. traffic some dude was already there and Ikuko was working on him. Damn it. So we are heading back tomorrow night to get it done.

Next we went to Toi, this Thai place. Sorry. Rockin’ Thai. The place looked really cool! It was right across the street from Ikuko’s job. We got a good seat and I got the chicken pad see ew and of course a Thai iced tea. I tend to get this meal whenever I go to a Thai place for the first time. If they cant get this right then ordering a more complex meal ain’t happening.

The food was great! And huge! That was the most pad see ew I ever got. We shared our meals and I still have enough for two more meals. This is me pleased. Did I mention that they were playing an old The Who concert while we ate? Oh, before we went there we headed to Meltdown Comics and looked at stuff. I miss the days of going to a comic shop and being excited. Now I just look around like “What the hell is all this crap?” Nothing grabs me the way it used to comic book wise. Everything seems unoriginal and rehashed. Once I saw a “Greatest American Hero” comic book I knew it was time to go.

We began a search for the perfect comforter for Cam at one of my ex’s old jobs. Some of her old co-workers were there and looked at me like I was a ghost. It was funny. Cam found some towels but not a comforter. I saw some cheap curtains I will have to head back there for eventually. Meaning when I start working. We then headed to Cost Plus World Market. I had to talk Cam out of buying a damn near $50 pillow. They have a lot of cool stuff at that place. I had seen it a hundred times but never went in there. I add it to my list of places to buy random shit like cool popcorn buckets and odd spices. Oh, and on Fairfax we got stuck in traffic after this Armenian protest. I'm actually not sure if it were a protest of a parade. I actually thought it was a celebration of soccer with all the flags I saw.

We finally headed to Cam’s place and watched this cool ass Russian film called “Night Watch.” I cant even begin to explain what this film is about exactly. Just look it up because whatever I tell you about it will just sound strange and I might talk you out of seeing it. So, yeah. I had a cool day with my sister and all is right with the world. Now only if my girlfriend would get her ass home and give me a call…

Rockets.

"Toolverine"

"Needed"