I can wrap my childhood and my relationship with my parents up in one item: Smurf Big Wheel. Why would my parents buy this for me? What went through their minds when picking this gay ass toy for their child? Were they trying to be funny? Did they think I liked boys? I’ll always wonder...
I remember when me and my brother would get stuff growing up. If he got a bike, I would get a bike. If he got a toy, I would, too. When he got the Grammy Michael Jackson I got the Thriller one. Loved that thing. But when it came to this whole Big Wheel situation I was left scratching my head. You see, my brother got a Dukes of Hazard Big Wheel. It was awesome! Black tires with orange and red tassels on it. It looked like it went fast.
My Smurf bike?
It looked like it couldn’t crush a flower. The tires got dirty immediately. They were friggin’ white! Of all the colors to buy a kid like me. I ruined them the first day. Oh, yeah, I still rode the thing but you can damn sure bet I made sure no one that would laugh was outside while I was on it.
And my brother turned out to be the gay one.
Rockets.
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