"Where Is My Mind...?"

So later today I am heading to a church counselor. This is the first time in years that I have gone to any form of counselor. In high school they sent me to counselors and they were a joke. To call them counselors is an insult to actual counselors.

I was at Fairfax less than a month when I was first sent to counseling. Now, I’m still not sure what set it off. Its not like I walked around staring at walls or threatened people. But there is something inside of me that either draws people towards me or pushes them away. Maybe one day I will find out or perhaps when I hopefully meet my Lord.

Now mind you, I arrived at Fairfax a month into the school year. I knew no one and didn’t really try. By the time I had left my other school I was alone. My friends had left. I would just listen to my Walkman and draw. I was fine with this routine. My plan after school by this point was no longer to go to college and study to be a brain surgeon or a marine biologist. I just wanted to drift.

One of the counselors was a group. It was called Impact. Hmm. Maybe that’s why I don’t like TNA Wrestling. Impact was for stoners, cutters, and miserable bastards in general. I was none of these things. I never went to Impact. I had photography with a son of a bitch teacher (Mr. Spitzer) that ran the program. He would send me to the office when I refused to go. Now that’s good teachin’! He also called me gay and said I had ADD.

The next was this lady Ms. Razi. This was one on one. I only went to her maybe three times before she had to leave because she got knocked up. She barely looked at me. All I recall from her is looking at the half top of her head wrap and her light colored skin. Our conversations went like this.

“How do you get along with your parents?”

“Not good. But I cant change them.”

“Yeah, you cant change them…”

That was how it was. I was glad when she left. This was a waste of time and I was at school to attempt to get an education. My next was another group. The Black Man’s Support Group. Out of all of these this was the one I hated the most. It was just nothing but being told how the White man was not gonna help me. Nothing constructive. Just being told that the White man would keep me down but not saying, “But don’t worry because the Black man will!” Its like someone telling you that you’re gonna be shot in the face later but not by who. The thing I hated was that I would be pulled out of Advance Physical Science (a senior class I fought to be allowed in!) every Wednesday for this shit. I would be all sweaty from volleyball and just sit there for the first fifteen minutes with my head down and a towel on my head. This went on until I was in the 11th grade and told everyone at the office that I refused to waste anymore time going there. One of the lady’s in the office was pissed by my comment because she ran that program along with this random ass Black guy.

I am hoping that today goes well. I have so much shit that I need to get out of me. No amount of story writing, drawing, article writing, or movie making can ever get all the shit crammed into my skull out. I need to dig even deeper. Maybe I wont like what they have to say and what I’ll have to hear, but I have to do something.

Right?

Rockets.