What Do You Believe In?

Growing up I believed in God the same way I believed in the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny. Some magical being that I could see in pictures but never meet in real life. I had to believe in them because if I didn’t I wouldn’t get a quarter for my tooth, a gift on Christmas, or a chocolate bunny to further damage to my teeth thus insuring that the Tooth Fairy would show up again soon.

Over time I realized that the things you believe in as a child are in fact childish. Santa was my family putting together bikes and gifts for me. The Tooth Fairy was one of my parents sneaking change under my pillow until my teeth started falling out at such an alarming rate that they couldn’t afford to keep up the charade. And the Easter Bunny was a clever way to sell chocolate during spring. One thing I gave up on in anger was a belief in God.

Atheism: The philosophical position that deities do not exist or that rejects theism (in the broadest sense is the belief in at least one deity) in the broadest sense, it is the absence of belief in the existence of deities.

I stayed at this point for quite a bit. I had seen too many good people die while others that seemed to revel in causing grief walked around freely all the time. I watched family mourn the lost of children while men who played with guns breath the air of the free. “What kind of god would do this?” I would ask myself. I still ask myself this in all honesty. I figured that if God existed that he just didn’t give a damn about humans anymore. We were forced to believe in him or rot in a hell away from everyone we loved. This sounded like some really unfair shit and I didn’t want to be a part of it.

Agnostic: The philosophical view that the truth value of certain claims — particularly metaphysical claims regarding theology, afterlife or the existence of deities, ghosts, or even ultimate reality — is unknown or, depending on the form of agnosticism, inherently impossible to prove or disprove. It is often put forth as a middle ground between theism and atheism though it is not a religious declaration in itself.

This is where I found myself. Calling myself an agnostic rather than an atheist. I knew that the world was a terrible place to be but would not kill myself because, just in case. It was fear of that just in case. Should people who kill themselves be allowed in a place where love conquers all? Hell, no! I figured that I would go through life not fucking anyone over and get a free pass based on what I did in life. I imagined the conversation going something like this.

God: What are you doing here?

Me: Nothing. Just enjoying paradise. You?

God: Wondering how you got past security. You never accepted me in your heart, right?

Me: Naw. I figured you’d give me a Get Out Of Jail Free card or something. I mean, I never killed, hurt, or robbed anyone. I went church a bit and even stopped damning you. So we’re cool, right?

God: Not really, no.

Next thing you know I’m wearing gasoline draws. This is seriously how I figured it should be. Be cool with everyone and God would let you slide. But then I met my lady and started finding out the rules of the game. Boy, was I in for a shocker. The thing is that its more than saying, “Yeah, I believe in God.” You can say that all day but it means fuck all. I started going to church which was something, if you know me, I never do. To go by my own free will took the death of my brother. I hated going to church. Being told that I was going to burn in hell. I had to be baptized. I was being led away by the devil. That I wasn’t a good person because I didn’t come every single Sunday and cough up cash I barely had. You could keep church!

The thing is, I was never one to bash people that went (except convict ass born again Christians but that’s for a whole ‘nother blog!). I would just accept that they believed in this imaginary creature and move on. Yeah, I could talk to anyone of any religion. I have friends that are Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Jewish, Agnostic, and Catholic. I didn’t care what you worshipped as long as you weren’t an asshole. The thing I never got was people that belonged to a religion and bashed others that weren’t. People that told you how bad you were because you didn’t believe what they believed. People that said that you couldn’t love who you were born to love based on your sexuality. That level of intolerance I could not stand and still cant. I just kept to myself and let others live how they wanted as long as they didn’t fuck with me. That was close to the Dantania motto: “Do What You Want Just Leave Me The Fuck Out Of It!”

Anyway, so I started going to church and was prepared for the same old bullshit. I actually waited for it. When are they gonna tell me that God hates fags? When are they gonna drag me on stage and make me confess my sins and convert? It never happened. I was shocked. The thing is that I became what I had fought against. I grouped people together based on the experiences I had with a few. It was like a form of racism. Are all Christians, Muslims, and Jews good? No. There is no such thing as a perfect group. But I took those few bad examples, watched the news and saw thousands slaughtered in the name of a God and ran with it. I never gave religion a chance and thereby never gave myself a chance. I wasted years being mad at something I told myself I didn’t believe in.

Does that make any sense?

I speak to my lady and cousin about religion and get their point of view on things. They are both Christian but have a different view on various topics. Hey both come from the same place but grew up on different streets if you catch my drift. I listen to podcasts with pastors and hear what they have to say. I read the bible and use what I can in my life. Will I ever learn everything there is to know about the bible? God, no! Its impossible. Will I ever be perfect? Never. Even if I lived to be 1000 I’d never be perfect. But what I can do is learn to be better and that’s what studying the bible has done for me. It has leveled me out mentally in ways I didn’t think were possible. I got this better outlook on life than I previously had. I started getting that Annie “The sun’ll come out tomorrow!” shit in my bones.

How would becoming Christian change me was a question I posed to my lady. Was I gonna be able to write the crazy shit that I write? Would I start acting differently? Will I really have to be baptized in front of a crowd? How would I know when I was even ready to accept a savior? These are all questions that will be answered hopefully sooner than later.

Do we all know what happens when we die? No. Do I want to be focused on fear into making me a religious person? Of course not. That’s a really bad mindset to have when making a decision (unless you’re Liam Neeson in that movie “Taken” when your fear is totally founded). But what if all you had to do was believe? We believe in so much shit in our lives but believing this one thing makes us laugh or doubt so much? Fuck that. I’m sick of hating what I don’t understand while wanting it at the same time. I’m tired of running around in circles mentally when the answer has been around forever. If you all want to continue living as you are right now, go right on ahead. But ask yourself: Just how happy are you as is?

Rockets.