"Where Is My Mind...?" Trois

So I haven’t been going to the therapist on Wednesdays. Yeah, I enjoyed it the first time but just cant bring myself to go again. The first time I missed it was because I didn’t feel like feeling bad. No, the first time I didn’t feel bad but that was more of an introductory deal. The next week she wasn’t there. Then last week I called out. Today I missed it again.

Now, what I mean when I say “I didn’t feel like feeling bad” is that I didn’t feel like rehashing bad shit going on in my life. I have been feeling good lately. If I have a problem I talk about it with my friends or lady. I write about things on my mind. The main reason I was going to this therapist was because I wanted to find out why I was feeling so shitty so consistently. I no longer felt/feel that by talking to this lady that I will get the answer. As cheesy as it sounds the answer is on the inside.

I call myself an introverted extrovert. I am very animated on the inside and rarely let that side of me out. When I am in church and everyone is going crazy I am as well…on the inside. On the inside I am singing and clapping with the best of them. At parties when there is great music playing I am sitting there tapping my fingers and leg. Inside I am rocking the fuck out! When I am furious I sit quietly and listen. On the inside I am raging. I get my stuff out during long conversations and through my art and stories. If something crosses my mind a character will say it, do it, or try to stop someone from doing it. I started to feel like talking to this therapist was going to keep me from growing by having me not just touch on my past and things that hamper me, but get there and stay there.

Some wounds need to heal and ripping the bandaid off while its still bleeding doesn’t always help. Talking about my dead brother to a stranger doesn’t make me feel good. Talking about him with my friends and lady does. No, not all my issues revolve around his death but a lot of feelings that I have do. I am working on them through thoughts, talking, and praying for understanding. The praying thing is still relatively new to me but it feels good. It feels really good, actually.

So my chapter in life involving therapy is over for the time being. I will call and let them know that I will no longer be using their service. I know I’m not done with it forever. Just right now. Right now I need to focus on being a better version of Dante.

Rockets.