"Tug" 1 of 2

"Now look into the camera. Smile, no, don't smile. Open your eyes. Can't you just…oh, cut!"

My girlfriend Rita aka Roxy Steel, wipes herself off, obviously pissed with the new director. She walks over to a small table just off set and drinks from a bottle of water before dropping it on the floor. The director loses his mind.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" he screams at her. She just rolls her eyes and yawns. "I'm not paying to have that cleaned up! It'll come out of your check!"

"It's just water" Rita tells him as she looks at me for support. I just throw my hands on the air. "It'll dry."

"Speaking of dry, can't we finish this scene?" the flavor of the month Jim Ramrod asks.

"She's 22" the director says. "She won't dry up for another few years."

"Fuck the both of you!" Rita shouts before wrapping herself in the towel and storming out of the room. She comes back to the doorway to finish her thought. "And I'm 21!" And she's gone again. The director looks at me and I throw my hands in the air...once again.

"Can't you control her?" he asks me. "She's your girlfriend."

"Sorry, pal" I tell him. "She's her own boss." And she is.

"I don't need this stress" he says as he leaves the set. Ramrod is stuck holding his, well, "ram rod."

"So now what?" Ramrod asks me.

"Don't ask me" I tell him. "I'm just a casual observer."

"I never should've left gay porn" he mumbles as he leaves.

And there I am. Standing alone on a porn set. It sounds like the beginning of a funny story but it isn't. This is my sad, sad life. My name is Donald Summers and I date a porn star.

On the ride home Roxy is still upset. At times like these I know how useless it is to try and talk to her. The catch-22 of it all is that if I don't say anything she'll get pissed at me for not supporting her. How much support can a person ask for? I mean, I am letting her have sex with other men for money, aren't I?

"I wish for once I could work with a director that's professional!" she shouts. I nod. Don't say a word. "Did you see him? He showed up an hour late. I mean, what the fuck?!" I refuse to point out that she was two hours late because of an unexpected pimple that appeared overnight on her ass. Man, her ass has caused more trouble than I care to admit. She blames me for ruining her audition for "Debbie Does Earth" because of a hand print I left on her ass. "What do you think?"

"We should stop at Ralph's before we get home" I say. "I don't think we have any milk."

"Are you even listening to me?!" she screeches. "Here I am baring my soul to you and all you can think about is milk?" she growls at me. "Why do I even bother? All you care about is…"

And with that I zone out. I've learned to ignore her rampages. It's easier than you think. I just turn the sound of her voice into mental images. Where others would hear "asshole", "unthoughtful", and "pencil dick" I think "forest", "calm blue ocean", and "beach." You'd think that dating a porn star would be fun. Actually, maybe you wouldn't. Depends on how you look at your life. Me, I have no self esteem. I met Rita at a party. At the time I was 22 and she was 18 and fresh out of high school. She wanted to be a stripper and fell into porn. Literally. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have to watch her dance on stage for money as opposed to having sex for a check. Still not sure which I prefer.

"…and your mother as well! Seriously! I don't know…"

She can do this for hours. I counted once and stopped after three. She has some lungs on her. It's one of the reasons she's so popular amongst males ages 14-45. They actually have stats and figures that find this stuff out for you. Have you ever Google'd your girlfriend? We all have. But hopefully you don't find the images I have.

"…when you were little! I have! And you know what I found out? That men are the most disgusting…"

Ocean. Birds. Clouds. Mountains. Cool breezes.

"…no milk. Let's go to Ralph's."

"Wait. What?" She caught me off guard.

"I said let's go to Ralph's. I don't think we have milk." I just stare at her until she screams. "Look out!" I almost rear end a gigantic SUV stopped at a light. "You almost got us killed, you idiot!"

"And I can only think to myself, 'Societies loss'." She just stares at me. The driver's side door of the SUV flies open and this guy that appears to be an extra from "Lord of the Rings" comes charging at the car. I don't even roll my windows up. I welcome the change of pace in my life.

"What the fuck is your problem, man?! I swear, if you had hit my fucking car I would've…are you Roxy Steel?"

"Yes" Rita says while batting her eyes at him and sticking her chest out. "Are you a fan?"

"Shit!" he screams. "I am beyond a fan! I have all of your movies! 'Abonement.' 'No Cuntry For Old Men.' 'Tailboy.' Fucking, 'Pissky Business.' All of 'em. Who's this guy? You're brother?"

"He's my manager" Rita says. I don't protest. Five minutes later I am taking a picture of this guy, named Dick ironically, bending Rita over the hood of his SUV with a hand in her shirt.

"Thanks, Roxy!" he says as he drives away.

"I love my fans" she says as we head to Ralph's. I just smile and nod.

Trees.

Animated smiley's.

Cookies.

Razor blades.

Shit.

"I don't do anal anymore, you asshole!"

And so this is how my Sunday begins. Rita is laying on a bear skin rug that is worn thin on the back from the amount of sex that has occurred on it. Honestly, who keeps a bear skin rug on the lawn? Some guy calling himself "Guy" is trying to slip it into Rita's backdoor but she is having none of it. This guy Guy refuses to listen. I'm so glad I allowed them to film at my house.

"She isn't gonna do it" I tell him.

"Cut!" shouts the director. "Who the fuck are you? Why are you on my set?"

"I'm her boyfriend and this is my backyard" I tell him.

"How can you watch another guy bang your chick?" Guy asks me.

"I find it therapeutic" I tell him.

"It's sick" Guy says as his dick goes limp on my girlfriend's ass.

"To each his own" I say as I head into my house to grab a soda.

From the window I can see the scene start back up. Immediately he tries to stick her from behind. This time she flips over and slaps him in the face and then kicks his dick. He starts yelling and I hear my neighbors door open. Damn it.

"Okay, show's over" I say as I walk back to the "set" clapping. "Everyone out."

"But we're not finished" the director says even though he must obviously know that Guy can't possibly function now.

"His dick says you are" I tell him as Rita storms into the house and slams the door. My neighbor, Mr. Telly, looks over the fence and see's Guy standing there bare ass naked and laughs.

"I see you're into the game now" he says before walking back into his house.

"Great" I say. "Now he thinks I'm gay."

"There's worse things in life" Guy says.

"Like…?" I ask.

"Having some bitch with two inch toe nails kick you in the dick" he says as he grabs his jeans and leaves. The director just sighs and walks over to me.

"Let me give you some advice, kid" he tells me. His breath smells like pee. "Ditch the bitch."

"I will take your advice under consideration, sir" I tell him as he walks away.

Like I haven't tried before. Every time I do she reminds me that I am all she has in life. I refuse to bring up her family again. My, God, what a can of worms that opens up! The thing is, I like Rita. When we first got together she was really sweet. Yeah, she lost her virginity on tape instead of with me. Sure, we barely have sex because she is usually sore from her movies. But she's not all bad. She gave some money to a homeless guy once. It was her uncle, but still…

"Are you gonna stay out there all day staring at the sky or what?!" Rita shouts from inside. Man, what am I doing with my life?

"Hold on a second" I tell her. What am I waiting for? The sky to open up? An answer to my question to fall out of the sky? A bird crashes at my feet, twitches, and then dies. I run into the house. Dead birds scare me.

"What's wrong with you?" Rita asks me. "I'm the one that was almost raped but you're the one that looks scared."

"A bird just died" I tell her while looking at it on the lawn through the window.

"And…?"

"You know I don't like dead birds" I tell her.

Rita smiles and runs outside. She grabs the dead bird and comes back into the house holding it between her thumb and index finger. I take a step back and she starts laughing. Now I am being chased around the house screaming like a chick. She throws the damned thing at me hitting the center of my back. I go down like I've been shot. Rolling on the ground with super heebie jeebies while Rita is laughing so hard tears are running down her cheeks, I come to a decision. I need to get the fuck away from this crazy bitch.

"You're such a pussy" she laughs while trying to catch her breath. Rita's been a smoker since she was 12. "It's not gonna kill you."

"Bitch" I say out loud. I didn't mean to say it out loud. Maybe I did. I don't know. But I did. I called her a bitch. The look on her face is terrifying.

"What did you just call me?" she demands. The fact that her make up is running down her face doesn't help the psychotic situation I have just put myself in. "Say it again."

"I didn't say anything." I can feel the yellow stripe running down the center of my back. This is the part where my fight or flight instincts are supposed to kick in. Scientist have yet to prove the fact that there is also a curl into a ball and cry response. I am a turtle. I am a hedgehog. I am a new born puppy. I have no defensive skills.

Have you ever been beat up by a 98lb. woman? Five minutes ago I could've said no.