Dante vs. Nature 5

Fuck nature. Fuck it in the ear. I started doing these in the hopes that it would make me get a better understanding of why I don't go into nature and try to stay away from it. But all’s its done in make me want to seal up my home in bubble wrap and shake in a corner violently. This is a list of creatures that people see and think are cute. I see them as the equivalent of wrapping a baseball bat in cotton candy.

Panda. “The giant panda, or panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca, literally meaning ‘black and white cat-foot’ is a bear native to central-western and south western China. It is easily recognized by its large, distinctive black patches around the eyes, over the ears, and across its round body. Though it belongs to the order Carnivora, the panda's diet is 99% bamboo. Pandas in the wild will occasionally eat other grasses, wild tubers, or even meat in the form of birds, rodents or carrion. In captivity they may receive honey, eggs, fish, yams, shrub leaves, oranges, or bananas along with specially prepared feed.”

I just saw a story on the news of a panda sneaking out and eating beef. Beef! This is the only creature that knows that its so dangerous that it refuses to fuck in order to save itself. But we don’t like to pay attention. I saw video of one of these hounds of Hell attacking someone at a zoo. People we all like “Aw, its so cute and cuddly…” and the next thing you know that fucking thing went H.A.M and tried to tear his Member’s Only jacket off. Did you know that played people porn to get these things to mate? I’m not making that up. That happens. It just makes pandas crave human flesh! For sex.

Koala. “The koala is found in coastal regions of eastern and southern Australia, from Adelaide to the southern part of Cape York Peninsula. Populations also extend for considerable distances inland in regions with enough moisture to support suitable woodlands. The koalas of South Australia were largely exterminated during the early part of the 20th century, but the state has since been repopulated with Victorian stock. The koala is not found in Tasmania or Western Australia.”

There are only three things you need to know about these evil ass beasts. 1. They come from Australia which means they are automatically set to kill. 2. They sleep almost 20 hours a day the rest of the time is spent eating leaves that make them high. 3. They look like that wet! I had never seen a koala wet and I cant un-see that image. I imagine that is what newborn Predator’s look like. And did you know they transmit STD’s? Yeah. I think its safe to assume its on purpose.

Raccoon. “The raccoon is a medium-sized mammal native to North America, having a body length of 16 to 28 inches and a body weight of 8 to 20 lb. The raccoon is usually nocturnal and is omnivorous, with a diet consisting of about 40% invertebrates, 33% plant foods, and 27% vertebrates. Two of its most distinctive features are its extremely dexterous front paws. Raccoons are noted for their intelligence, with studies showing that they are able to remember the solution to tasks up to three years later.”

You know what that last sentence means? It means that a raccoon can remember the way it fucked you up years ago and use that same technique against you. People think these things are so cute. Ever see one in person? They hiss and it sounds like the sound I imagine a Kraken makes when its dying. The first time I saw one of these I thought it was a cat until it picked something up…with its hands! They can use their thumbs and that is too honked up for my brain to accept.

Opossum. “Opossums (Didelphimorphia) make up the largest order of marsupials in the Western Hemisphere, including 103 or more species in 19 genera. They are also commonly called possums, though that term technically refers to Australian fauna of the suborder Phalangeriformes. The Virginia opossum was the first animal to be named an opossum; usage of the name was published in 1610. The word opossum comes from the Proto-Algonquian aposoum meaning ‘white dog’ or ‘white beast/animal‘.”

So we have known about these creepy ass things for over 400 years and have not wiped them out? How come they live? I am used to seeing these dead on the road and I give myself a silent fist pump. But when I first saw one alive walking along the top of a fence looking like a goddamn zombie rat something deep in my soul shook. They are so damned cray-cray that we mistake them for their Australian cousins, the possum. Anything that can be mistaken from coming from there bathes in blood and screams.