Hollywood Hates Comic Books 2

This is the second installment of Hollywood Hates Comic Books. You can see the first few by clicking in this sexy little area. For a minute I was like “Why cant I think of any bad comic book based movies…?” All of a sudden my brain went Johnny Pneumonic and flooded my head with way too many bad films. This time I am just going with three of them. And they are pretty damned bad. Why cant Hollywood play nice?

Vietnam vet has his son and wife murdered after seeing a mob hit. After seeing this shit happen Frank Castle becomes The Punisher and uses his skills as a soldier to kill bad people. He uses any means to dispatch of his foes including guns, torture, rockets, blowtorches, or whatever the hell he can get his hands on. He once used a polar bear to maul someone who worked for an evil old woman. That happened! At one point he kills the entire Marvel universe. Seems impossible but its right there in stores for purchase. When criminals see the skull they pretty much know that jail is an option if they manage to develop the ability to dodge hundreds of bullets.

FBI agent Frank Castle retires from his job. While vacationing his entire family is murdered. And by his entire family I mean everyone because it’s a reunion. He is shot and found in the river by a fisherman. He takes the skull shirt his son gave him and goes on a mission to kill John Travolta…who replaces the evil old woman in this version. Instead of torturing someone with a blowtorch he uses a delicious popsicle. Quirky neighbors and such make him damn near lovable. By the way I had to choose between three films and this one was the worst. It was as if they tried their best to make sure another movie was never made. But there was.

Elektra is an assassin that wants to avenge the death of her father. She is awesome as hell and super violent with her sais. She is in love with Daredevil but way too extreme for him. She is killed by Bullseye with him ramming her own weapon all up in her ribcage. Though she has no superpowers she (once she came back to life) is able to hang with some of the toughest characters in the world. Never quite reaching the potential she should’ve in comics, she is still one of the best female creations of course from Frank Miller.

Doe eyed Elektra comes back to life after being killed in the equally terrible Daredevil film because a blind man (Stick) brought her back. He teaches her magic that allows her the ability to see into the future and bring the dead back to life. He ends up getting rid of her dumb ass because she cant let go of her rage. Rage that Jennifer Garner does not have the acting chops to accomplish. Her new powers show her that a girl she met and the girls father are going to be killed so she decides that she doesn’t want to be a contract killer anymore but that she wants to protect them.

Dr. Bruce Banner is a physicist that ends up being bombarded with gamma radiation while saving the life of a jackass who becomes his friend who was riding his bike on a nuclear testing ground. He is a meek little guy but now when he gets pissed he becomes The Incredible Hulk. He has two setting: human scared of transforming into monster and monster that wants to kill anything that annoys him. He is so damned powerful that the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe got together and tricked him into leaving Earth. He came back better and beat all their asses.

David Banner, the father of Bruce, uses himself as a guinea pig to make his DNA better. It passes on to his unborn son who grows up to be a scientist. As a baby he cries and turns green which happens in the first minute of the movie and was my cue to leave but I didn’t because I’m stupid. Bruce later grows up and when angry transforms into a Hulk. His father later turns himself into a element manipulating creature but not before creating dogs that can “Hulk out.” The small Banner is replaced by an actor that is large enough to be painted green and play the main character himself. Wrong cast, wrong effects, wrong storyline, wrong all around.