Worst Christmas Gifts Of Dante's Childhood

It’s the holiday season and when I think of holidays I think of family. And when I think of family I think of being disappointed. So I decided to make a list of the Worst Christmas Gifts I ever received. Yeah, I know all that nonsense about the spirit of giving and it being Jay-Zus’ birthday, but whatevs. Chrsitmas was all about bugging the fuck out of my mother until she snapped and screamed “Open your goddamn stuff!” I don’t know about you, but nothing says the holidays better than having your mother take the Lord’s name in vain at 5a.m!

Laser Tag. Me and my brother each received a Laser tag set. The set included a gun and a sensor that let you know when you got hit. The only bad thing about this was that he never wanted to play with his damned Laser Tag so I was forced to just shoot myself in the chest or shoot at the mirror setting the sensor off. Made me realize that the best gift for a child with a lazy brother was one that you could play with by yourself. Well, my brother wasn’t lazy. I just don’t think he liked me that much. I remember driving the neighbors dog fucking bonkers because of the beeping sounds it made when you were shot.

Smurf Big Wheel. If any of you don't know what a Big Wheel is than you are probably too young to be reading my blogs. My brother got a cool ass Dukes Of Hazard Big Wheel and I got a gay ass blue and white one. It actually had a Smurf's head on the front of it for maximum awesomeness! Jealous yet? The retarded thing is that it had white wheels on it. How long did they expect that thing to stay clean? My parents are lucky that shit didn't scar me for life. Yes, I still rode it but I didn’t have as much fun as I would’ve if it was, oh I don’t know, manly!

Telescope/Robot. I put these two together because they both came from the same lame ass aunty. My aunt gave me a telescope one year. I was so damned happy to have one until I tried to use it. The shit couldn't even let you look across the room! It was all kinds of cloudy too. I think it went in the trash the next day. And she got me and my cousin robots one year. It was supposed to walk and show a galaxy in the chest of the damned thing. His showed no galaxy and mine couldn't walk for shit. It would just sit there and make grinding noises. Piece of crap toy. She gave the worst fucking gifts but my mother always gave her son, my cousin, awesome gifts. Holy shit I found a real image of it!!!

Toy Guns. Now, I loved the fact that I had toy guns…for all of ten minutes each. They looked the shit (real) too! But they were either too noisy or too real looking to have kids running around South Central waving around. Why get me something I can't play with? Was I supposed to stand in the closet firing muffled shots at my clothes? "Take that, pants!" I had a machine gun one that made shooting sounds that my neighbor mr. Green bitched about.

Sega Master System. Those of you that survived the great Nintendo wars of the 80's are blessed. I got a damned Sega Master System. No one else had a Sega but me! While the kids played Mike Tyson's Punch Out! and Mario Bros./Duck Hunt I played Hang On and Safari Hunt. What a rip off! I actually pouted like a little bitch all Christmas because of that shit. And who could forget that memorable "Ffeeeguuuuh!!!" sound the system made when you turned it on. Took me a while to figure out it was saying "Sega!!!" I eventually started liking it but it took a long ass time.