What The Fuck Are Dirt People?!

Rape. It's what's for dinner.

“What the fuck are dirt people?” I’ve been asked this question countless times which means that they have not taken over. Yet. This crazy bastard Lord Humungus was my first introduction to these mofos. He's a high level one though hence the muscles. When I was little I watched a lot of B Movies. In these movies it seemed cheap to make a film about the bleak future we have to look forward to. I always noticed a running theme in these (besides the lack of lotion). And that theme was fucking Dirt People! These things aren't a figment of my imagination like starting a family, having a full-time job, or one day getting abs. I am just letting you all know that if we aren't careful, we will suffer some dirty ass wrath.

Allow me to finally explain exactly what I mean when I say Dirt People or “DP” when your ass needs to get away from these people eating sons of bitches. Dirt People [durt pee-puhl] a collective of humans who have given up on not only humanity but also bathing; cannibalistic humans who crave rape, fuel, and human flesh; ashy people that shake from eating too much goddamn human flesh.

"You gon' eat yo cornbread...?"

They also carry hobo knives. One of the best examples of DP’s is in The Road. Have you ever seen this movie? Okay. Picture the worst day you’ve ever had in your life. Got it? Now imagine that someone is hitting you with the cutest kitten you’ve ever seen and telling 5 year old you that Santa isn’t real and that your grandmother hates your guts. That’s this movie. There are tons of DP’s in this movie. They eat people and rape anything that has a hole. They always travel in ashy packs and usually are the only ones to have a vehicle that still works.

Book Of Eli is another great example of dirt people. In it something happened to the sky and folks got killed. The main character played by Denzel Washington has to handle them in groups. The thing about these bastards is that they always attack at once. Another trait they share is one will have an eye missing, another will be fat as hell while the rest of the world starves, and there will be a chick that you know is fucking hot if you washed her off. But there’s not enough soap in the world to have me messing with future cooter!

"Remember: Rape then eat!"

Whenever someone plays the game of “If you were on an island and can only take three things with you…?” I always say The Stand by Stephen King, Chapstick, and lotion. I’m that serious about moisture, people. Because once you give up the opportunity to be soft and supple you are that much closer to being one of the dirt people. I think the only plus to fighting one of these jerks is that when you hit them dust flies off and it looks like an old kung fu film. Then their friend with the scar that starts on his cheek and ends at his soul sticks it in your mud hole...