With Great Power Comes...

Uncle Ben is a delicious rice featuring a Black dude that looks like he’d either give you candy and smile or tie you to a radiator and pray for you to stop your whorish ways. Whoever gets that joke starts off 2012 a champion. Uncle Ben is also the guy who told Spiderman “With great power comes great responsibility.” And then Spiderman let a guy get away with robbery only for him to shoot his uncle. I recently watched two movies with similar premises that show how when given super powers we’ll probably be a dick.

Jumper is about a kid that discovers one day as a 13 year old while getting away from his abusive ass father that he has the ability to “jump” to another location. Its basically teleportation but no one fucking says it even though that’s what it is. He runs away to New York (telling no one that he isn’t dead from a fall into ice water earlier) and spends his time traveling around the world hanging out at famous landmarks and having a good time. And by good time I mean he robs banks to support himself. Its fine though because he leaves IOU’s. That he never pays back.

Years later he returns home and finds the girl he has always loved. She works in a bar, which is what chicks always do when you leave them behind in movies because women always give up on their dreams, and he finds her. He ends up getting into a fight with a guy he hated in school and teleports him into a bank vault. A guy sees him at the bar who also saw him in London which means it is safe to assume he also has the same ability. He confronts him in Rome telling him pretty much “Hey, asshole! You cant keep using a power like this without being noticed!”

And he does get noticed by an evil Blacker that uses shock sticks with ropes that hit you and keep you from teleporting before stabbing them in the name of Jay-Zus. The kid discovers that his father has been killed, his mother is still alive and works for the bad guys, and they got the chick he is in love with. He learns to teleport a house and leaves the bad guy in a cave somewhere. He then meets his mom who has Bella from Twilight as a daughter for some reason and she hugs him and says she is gonna hunt him down. Then the kid and his girl teleport for vacation. I don’t know what the point of this movie really was besides to give Sam Jackson a terrible haircut.

In Push a kid and his father are being hunted by a team of armed men. The father tells his son to run before being killed. The kid moves to Hong Kong and spends his time close to broke and trying to use his ability to “move” to gamble on the streets unsuccessfully. “Move” is telekinetic ability. These guys who can touch and smell stuff show up at his place and interrogate him. A little girl shows up with the power to see the future by drawing it badly tells him that they will be rich soon. Then dead. And the dude gets his ass kicked a lot.

There’s a secret organization that finds the people that have powers, which there are many of like Watchers, Shifters, Sniffs, Wipers, and Shadows. This one chicks survives a experiment and runs away. Its up to them to find the chick and figure out what will happen because Ms. Negativity little girl keeps drawing pictures of them being murdered in far worse ways. I’d be like “Keep that shit to yourself!“ The guy and the psychic girl get attacked by crazy Asians who have the power to shout really fucking loud. Like loud enough to make you bleed. They are Bleeders. They look scary.

Fuck. This.

A Blacker, the same one who killed the kid’s dad earlier, shows up. He works for the evil people and he gets the chick that everyone is looking for. Turns out the kid knew her and they used to date. She has the same power as the Blacker which is to “Push” people. That means they can make you do whatever they want. He tells her that she is a bad guy as well and that she never dated the kid. Fast forward to lots of dying, the guy getting his ass kicked more, lots of convoluted stuff, and the kid wins by injecting himself with soy sauce. Later the chick he loved finds out she really did date him and she tells the Blacker to shoot himself in the head. The moral of the story is…Black men that dress really well are probably evil.