Future Fail: How Come I Ain't Got A Laser Gun?!

It’s 2012. I know. It really is shocking. Especially considering the fact that as I look around my apartment I don’t see a single goddamn laser gun laying around. Anywhere. If the 5 year old version of myself knew this he would cry his ass off knowing that I currently live in a world where laser guns aren’t the number one form of protection against robots.

How did this happen? For years we’ve had films where it was like “Hey. it’s the future and someone is attacking us. Likely robots. Let’s get our laser guns and fight them since they wipe their asses with bullets.”

This is The Terminator. Wiping his robot ass. With your bullets. 

There was some military company that was working on a laser rifle that could shoot like from a distance of five miles. That’s cool and all but when you see it…it just doesn’t look cool enough. And its bulky. I want too be able to rush towards an enemy, roll on the ground, and pop up firing like a motherfucker! How am I gonna do that using this?

"Knock knock?" "Who's there?" "Impractical laser rifle!"

Back when I was in the 6th grade there was a Time Magazine article tracking just how far we would be in terms of technology and space travel. In, like, 2001 we would be on Mars and have stations based on the moon. The moon!

Obviously that hasn’t happened. We send robots named after me that fail, we cant get to the moon anymore, and our spaceships can barely leave orbit without a piece of Styrofoam falling off and blowing the damned thing up.

The only thing we have created laser for so far is to fix people’s jacked up eyes and to remove hair from people’s chest, arms, legs, and vaginas. Which is cool but its not a laser gun! It would be useful if the creatures from Attack The Block showed up but that’s it.

This is not as sexy as I imagined it would look.

Cant we at the very least, before I die at the hands of our robot overlords, get my hands on a laser gun? It doesn’t even have to shoot far. Like twenty feet is good enough for me. I promise not to aim it at living things…at first. I’m pretty sure that after a week there’ll be scorch marks and burning holes everywhere. That’s the same line I use before sex.