John Carter Movie Review

My name is Dante and I wasn’t expecting much when I decided to see John Carter. My reaction when I first saw the trailer was “What’s this broke ass Lord of The Rings?” This should teach me (for the hundredth time) to not decide to see something based on the trailer because I have missed out on some cool shit doing that nonsense.

If Martian women look like this I can declare all women of Earth safe from me.

I have not read a single one of the books this film was based off of. I don’t say that would pride, I’m just letting you all know that so when things aren’t like they are in the book I don’t know nor do I care. It’s a movie for nerds and if there’s one thing nerds are known for its being insatiable. Especially in bed. Gods, it’s a curse! One that I am doomed to live with for the rest of my short life.

"Jay-zus!!!"

John Carter is a dick. No other way to put it. The movie starts with him being captured and forced to fight in the war. He’s like “Nope.” Its funny because he gets knocked out for fighting back. Then he gets handcuffed and dives out the window. Then he breaks out of jail before being attacked by Indians and he escapes to a cave where a weird dude in a robe attacks him. He ends up transported to another place.

Want.

He wakes up and begins to notice that he’s not able to walk or run. He fucking leaps! My god how he leaps! Some weirdo alien things spot him and start chasing him until one of them convinces them to stop. Then he is captured and brought back to stay with them.

They shave different on Mars. 

They treat him like a pet and keep referring to him as “Virginia” because when he introduced himself he told them that he was “John Carter from Virginia.” It isn’t until he drinks this weird liquid that he begins to understand their language. Okay. Enough of this nonsense.

"Yep. That's definitely Snooki."

This s a damned good movie. Alright?! Not just because I expected it to suck, but because I cared about every character in this movie including the strange dog thing that looked like a giant pit-bull with a cat father with no hair. I wanted to own it! The effects are pretty damned good. The action is great. The main chick is all hot. And of course Mark Strong is in it.

He makes everything better. Except Green Lantern. He's not Jesus, people. 

This movie has aliens, spaceships, legends, great acting, great CGI, great story, and an awesome ending. This movie is what Scorpion King, Clash of The Titans, and Pathfinder were supposed to be. A big, epic ass movie that when its over you want to see again and watch the sequels. One reviewer compared it to Star Wars and I scoffed. I scoffed so hard my sunflower seed smacked the front of my teeth. And it hurt.

This is what I see when I close my eyes. 

Some people review movies and give good things bad reviews because bad gets attention. This movie is like Captain America or The Artist in that it made me happy while watching it. If you were on the fence about seeing this movie give it a try. See it early if you don’t wanna pay full price. Or watch it on DVD with your big ass TV since everyone’s is bigger than mine. The TV. Not…yeah.