Dante's Ugly Church Shirt

Years ago my friend Ford invited me to go to church with him and his mom. I never went to church regularly but still decided to go. I asked my mother to get me a “church shirt.” Everyone knows what a damn church shirt is. It’s a very dressy type of shirt that you’d never wear anywhere but church. If you did people would look at you and say “Wow. That guy is totally wearing a church shirt outside.”

So the night before I go to church my mother shows me the shirt she got me. I shit you not this was one of the ugliest shirts I’ve ever seen in my life. Till, like, now! It was long sleeved, huge, and covered in fruit. Yes. Fruit. All over the shirt.

This. But in shirt form.

It was too late to say I couldn’t go to church or get a new shirt. So I put this abomination on and went to church. The entire time I’m looking down at it and feeling like I’m blinding people. I make it to the end of service and head to the bathroom. When I come out of the stall my damned shirt snags on the handle and rips four buttons off. I just looked down and sighed.

I went outside to the parking lot where my friend and his mom were and showed him what happened. And of course he started laughing like it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen. No one had a safety pin or anything so I just waited until we left. I never wore that stupid ass shirt again and even if it hadn’t ripped, I never would’ve worn it. That was one of my Easter’s.