Dante Doesn't Like Rihanna

Rihanna performed on Saturday Night Live yesterday. And it continues to puzzle me that she gets called to perform live. She isn’t good. This isn’t a case of me just not liking certain things which I do all the time. I hate sand, Ugg boots, and flat asses in yoga pants. I don’t like Rihanna because there is nothing about her that makes a good performer.

Yeah. This is performing.

Her dances are awkward. I know its supposed to be sexy. There’s a girl wearing very little and aiming her vagina at me while making sounds come out of her mouth. But whenever I look at her I can feel the giant question mark popping up over my head. She’s not good at what she allegedly does. Am I the only person that feels this way? I cant be.

No. Hat companies feel the same way.

She was barely on my radar years ago when she first came out. She wore Aaliyah type clothing and had a big head and big hair. She sounded like a child auto-tuning her voice by shouting into a fan but her music was catchy in a bad way. Like HIV. Her voice is audio HIV. Next thing you know she gets beat up by her then boyfriend Chris Brown and is back in the news.

This. But bloodier.

After getting punched she became a new person. She started wearing nothing, getting tattoos, and picking on Brown’s new girlfriend who is actually cute. That’s right, I said it. Rihanna ain’t cute. She has the tools to be attractive. Tits, a heartbeat, legs, and vajayjay. But the total package isn’t structurally sound. She looks like a human Jenga.

Hey, her nipples look like mine.

Before anyone says it, and I like to think I talk to people that don’t say shit like this, I know that she sells millions. I know that she gets paid a lot to do whatever the hell she does that has been classified as “singing.” I get it. But I ask you to watch a live performance of hers with your eyes closed so that you aren’t blinded by her shaking cooter. Tell me that you wont blindly attempt to stop it.