And I like seeing people get knocked out.
So I have compiled a list of the five things I think are most important when it comes to getting into a street fight. Some of these may seem obvious while others are things you may actually be guilty of perpetrating at some point. Let me know what you think.
1. Tell Your Woman To Stay Out The Way
Holy shit, I swear that if a dude is in a fight on the streets with his woman 8 times out of 10 she will just shout for him to stop and then grab his arms. Ladies, when you grab a guys arms when a fight is about to happen, or god forbid happening, you limit the amount of shit he can do to protect himself and probably your dumb ass.
I’ve told friends that if I am with them, since I hang mostly with chicks, if a fight breaks out just stay away from me. Dudes have been knocked the fuck out because their girl thought she was being helpful. If you plan to stick around at least shout words of encouragement.
2. Talking Shit Wastes Fighting Air
So many fights are over before they begin because a pair of guys will circle each other like a goddamn National Geographic special talking about all the things they’re gonna do to one another. I’ve never been much of a talker when I’m upset. Especially when I’m upset enough to put my hands on someone.
These dudes will scream and shout and by the time fists start flying they’re huffing and puffing. Save all that precious oxygen for the fight. Best case scenario is you take them out with one punch which rarely happens and its usually a sucker punch. Be prepared to roll on the ground saying “You let go first!” a lot. For real. Grown ass men will do this for minutes at a time.
3. Don’t Kick
We’ve seen it in a thousand movies and it always works. You decide to use a roundhouse kick on someone and knock their head clean off their shoulders. But in the real world, the really real world, that shit rarely works. Those Van Dam split kick are not an actual thing.
Best case scenario you shock them like “Whoa, this guy has some moves!” Every other scenario is you on your ass getting kicked in the face. I’ve seen some videos where guys have knocked themselves out by trying to kick someone. That shit is funny though. So keep your feet planted and just use your hopefully girlfriend free fists.
4. Know Your Limits
I know we all like to think that we’re the next undiscovered martial artist. We like to think that if we had to fight a room full of dudes that we’d whip their asses as they approached one at a time. Sadly, this never happens. If you fight a guy that has a lot of friends chances are his friends are gonna jump in and turn you into a human piñata. You have a 24” reach and knees that hurt when it rains.
Know your abilities. If you cant remember the last time you hit something or if it hurts when you stand don’t suddenly think that you can run up a wall and land behind an attacker. If you’re good at pulling hair and biting exposed flesh then goddamn it be the best hair puller and biting son of a bitch there is. This isn’t the moment for you to try that move you saw in a movie.
5. It Doesn’t Count Unless You Scream “Worldstar Hip Hop!”
I don’t know when this started but whenever there is a fight, usually on a subway in New York, somebody has to shout “Wordstar Hip Hop!” This means that it will be on that website later on with their banner and someone getting beaten.
If you’ve ever been jumped and wondered “Why in the hell are these Blackers screaming websites at me?!” chances are you’re on that site with thousands of views where the public has seen you shit yourself and crying because you looked at a Black person the wrong way. This website is so cool its taken over people saying “Youtube!” during fights. Me, I like to punch people in the face and yell at the top of my lungs “Pornhub!” Mostly just to confuse them. Mostly.
Click here to see other Five Things I’ve Learned.
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