Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.
George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?
Newman: Sometimes.
Jerry: Why is that?
Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day!
That’s a quote from Seinfeld in case you were wondering. I’ve worked a few jobs and each of them was very different from the other. From selling porn, moving corpses, to working at pet stores. I like to think that I retain information from each of them that helps me in the next. Yeah. I like to think that.
Till this day my favorite job has been the mailroom. I know that sounds weird but it was a very mentally fulfilling job that I was supposed to temp at for two weeks and ended up being at for nine months. It was located downtown on the 55th floor aka The Basement In The Sky. Here’s some things I learned while there.
1. Customer Complaints
This was a very corporate environment. I had to tuck my shirt in and all that. I hate tucking my shirt in. Since it was full of people that made more in a week than I did all year that meant when there was an issue it was a 1st World problem.
Like at the hospital I gained a reputation for being the guy to send problem people to. There were folks that for years had angered and annoyed the mailroom staff but I was able to keep them calm. This included people that were known for shouting. Shouting at me is not a good idea. 95% of the time I will walk away. 4% of the time I will shut down mentally and watch cartoons in my head. 1% of the time I will shout back and scare everyone.
People would get upset because the baby crib they ordered hadn’t arrived yet. Oh, I forgot to mention that. All the shit people order online would be brought to the office. We’d get it and have to take it to their desk or in most cases their car. Cabinet late? Find Dante in the mailroom. Want to send chocolate to Singapore? Find Dante in the mailroom. This is where I developed my “No Factory” skills. I would explain quite thoroughly why sending candy overseas in corporate mail boxes was a bad idea. Their eyes would cross, they’d shrug, and go back to their office.
2. The Mail Seriously Never Stops
Before working in the mailroom I rarely ever had to mail a letter. I thought it was a dying industry and the reason why I was scheduled to work for just two weeks. I was so wrong. The mail comes multiple times a day. Postal mail, FedEx, UPS, courier services. It never stops. And around holidays? Forget about it!
The day would start with one of us heading downstairs with a dolly and getting about ten bins full of letters. These letters had to then be sorted by floor and then associate. Not all of them were in the country so there’s another level to apply. Then these had to be packed properly, weighed properly, labeled properly, and then shipped properly. This meant knowing all about customs forms and how to fill them out. Attention to detail was so fucking important that one misplaced digit could result in someone being in deep trouble.
3. You Must Get Along With Coworkers
Though the room was kinda large it was one room. If someone had an issue with another employee everyone felt it. You were right on top of each other and having bad days were not allowed…to me. I loved the job and if two people were pissed at each other I would force them to make up for my own sense of mind.
Once two dudes that had been there for years were mad with one another. Three hours into the shift I couldn’t take the shit anymore and I grabbed one of them. He was from Sudan and cool as fuck but stubborn as hell. The other dude was from L.A and was in a foul mood. I grabbed the Sudanese and put him in front of the other guy and said “Hug it out.” They just stood there until I started humming “That’s What Friends Are For.” They laughed, hugged, and all was right with the world.
4. You Will Get Crazy Letters
There was a container we had to use for crazy letters. I loved crazy letters. My boss loved that I had the ability to spot one from a mile away. Not just the ones that were wrapped with a lot of tape and ticked when you touched it. Some were from angry investors and others were from nuts who happened to know where our L.A office was located.
The crazy box was clear and sealed air tight. Kinda like Lindsay Lohan on a Friday night. It also had gloves that went in the box. Again…just like Lindsay Lohan. You could then safely open the letter and if it had anthrax or some other chemical with a metal band’s name you’d be safe. No one wants to open up a letter full of Pantera, Megadeth, or Dread Pubes. One of those is not a real band.
5. The Job Does Get Finished
This is what I loved the most and have not experienced since. At the hospital its not like people stop dying or getting sick. At the porn shop someone always wants to get off. People will never stop getting pets. But in the mailroom at the end of the day every package would be sent and every letter delivered. The room would be empty when I went home and I felt like I’d accomplished something.
I know that the mail never stops but the job gets done…for the day. Then you do it all over the next day. The shifts never went slowly. I’d get there at 8am and the next thing I knew it was 1pm and time to get lunch. Suddenly its 6pm and time to head home.
Click here to read other Five Things I Learned.
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