From birth we are given bad advice. I'm not talking about stuff like rubbing milk on a burn which totally works. I'm talking about the shit that people say to you that makes you look at them like a dog that's just heard a whistle. Advice so stupid that you let out a little poop. Not a lot. Just a little. You prairie dog it.
I have made a list of things that I have heard or been told that made me scream on the inside. If you have said these things to someone you should stop reading this and run into a wall. Go. There's no shame in being wrong. Still here? Good. Can you believe those assholes ran into a wall?
"If a dog chases you, don't run."
What?! Are you kidding?! Have you ever been chased by a dog? Its the opposite of fun. Its un-fun. Funless even. They move fast. I remember being chased by a dog when me and a couple of friends came home from a comic shop. It was hot as hell because fuck Norwalk. We were already tired when we spotted a dog standing near a porch on my friends street.
Now, this was not a small dog. This was a fucking bear disguised as a dog. It was one of those Marmaduke type dogs. I don't know what the fuck they're actually called. The dog lets out this bark and we freeze. My friend says "Its chained." The "chain" that he spoke of was a rope with a potted plant sitting on top of it. The dog took a step forward and saw that his "chain" moved the plant. I swear if the dog could talk it would've said "Oh, that's your ass now."
The dog charged us and we took off running like normal people. My little fat ass did not need that kind of stress in my life. Now, assholes would tell you not to run. And that's it. There's no follow up to that piece of shitty advice. Its not like they say "If a dog chases you don't run. Stand your ground, reason with the animal, and it will be afraid." They just want you to stand there and get your ass eaten off. Fuck that. A dog chases you my advice is to run like a dog is chasing you.
"Ride against traffic."
This is for bikes. All my life I have heard that if you are on a bike and on the street that you are supposed to ride against the traffic because you like to see how you're about to die or I grew up with a lot of adults that hate me.
A couple nights ago I saw a sign in West Hollywood that said to ride with traffic. So which is it and how was this decision made? I would prefer not to ride where speeding ass cars are a foot away from me. You ever see that thing where there's a pigeon standing in traffic and it flies away at the last second? That's what bicyclists look like to me when I'm on the bus. People just weave in and out of traffic because they "have the right of way." I'm sure that the afterlife is full of assholes who had that as their last thought before becoming a piece of the city's pavement.
As a kid I used to live in the middle of a concrete jungle which was also on the edge of the countryside (government policy was to build giant housing projects with no facilties except of course a Catholic church on the edge of the city to keep the poor away from decent people)and I used to have to walk or cycle about four miles into the countryside to best my friend's house. I was always given contradictory advice as to whether to go against or with traffic but at the end of the day it was useless advice as everyone is the Irish countryside drives in the middle of the damn road.
ReplyDeleteAnd I encountered a lot of barky dogs on these trips in and out of my friend's village...don't try to reason with them, stare them down with a 'fuck you, you're a dog' telepathic message. It does work, unless the dog's an asshole in which case it's going to bite you whether you run or not. Dogs can generally outrun human so running doesn't neseccearily help. I've dealt with a lot of neurotic and abused dogs when I volunteer with the animal welfare group in my hometown so I can kind of judge now when a dog will bite, when it'll just nip, and when it's just scared. I literally learned the hard way. Damn pooches.
I have been chased by dogs growing up on my Grandmama's street. They just roamed around freely because back in the 80's neutering and leash laws were non existent. You learned to just book it and get to high ground as fast as you could.
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