Now as the owner of what I have nicknamed “The Hospitalizer” I have learned a thing or two about how to take care of it. Sadly, even after three decades of ownership I have to download a new manual because every so often it will do something unexpected and require some sort of maintenance. Here is a list of a few things I have learned while having it.
1. It Does What It Wants
No matter how much power you think you have over your junk, in the end it rules your life. There are times where its so rock hard you could cut glass with it and other times where it does an impersonation of Top Ramen. Sure, it lets you think you're in charge but there are times where it lets you down at the worst possible moment. She finally wants it in the butt. She wants to try that thing with the leg over the shoulder. She's off the rag. Whatever.
There have been times where I am in the presence of a lady that is stutardedly hot. “Oh my god I cant believe this is going to happen right now!” My brain is ready. My spirit is willing. Balls are clean. All systems are go. Oh, except for the most important piece of equipment on this vessel. Your dick. Its acting like a girlfriend who is mad you forgot your eight month anniversary. You know something is wrong but you'll be damned if it tells you. It cant say “Maybe you shouldn't have abused me twice earlier today” or “You didn't really need that extra glass of wine.” It gives you the silent treatment and you can either pout like a little bitch about it or go down on the girl one more time. I'm sure she wont mind.
2. Whiskey Dick Happens
Speaking of wine and other adult beverages, whiskey dick is a real thing. I didn't have it before the age of 22 because I had never drank before. But once I got it, boy was I puzzled. I was ready to do the do but it just wouldn't work. Or, even worse, it would get up for a minute and then have its own personal narcoleptic fit and pass out again leaving me and my sexual partner confused. I'd stand there in my drunken haze trying to find logic in an illogical situation...meaning penis into vagina.
The flip side of whiskey dick, and the reason any guy that drinks booze and fucks knows, is the twin brother of it called Bionic Dick. Holy shit. There's this magic place in between shit faced and drunk where your dick becomes a weapon of mass destruction. Nothing can stop it. You can flip over cars with it if you wanted. When your man bones you with extra gusto after drinking, don't bother him. He's in the zone. He's not gonna cum anytime soon. Just go with the flow. Just don't do anything acrobatic. You're fucking a drunk and will be dropped on your head. Trust me. I launched a girl once.
3. Pain Builds Distrust
Every man reading this has been in a situation sexually where your dick has been hurt. Maybe she bit it harder than she planned which is goddamn ridiculous because that was a plan that should've never been conceived in the first place! Maybe reverse cowgirl wasn't a good idea and she bent it in a way it wasn't supposed to. Either way now your dick doesn't trust you and gets stage fright. And it should. Its your job to maintain its safety and you failed. And, yes, each of those two things have happened to me.
When it gets bitten...fuck! It makes you mad. Angers up the blood. Now when she puts her mouth anywhere near it there's a twitch and if it could make a sound it'd whimper. “Oh, I'm sorry!” doesn't make the pain stop, ladies. So don't say it and for the love of all that is holy don't try to kiss it better. That's only sexy to you. At the moment all we see is the mouth that caused hurt. You remember that trust game they forced us to play as children? You have some kid stand behind you and you'd fall back and they'd catch you. You dick is that kid. Wait. That doesn't sound right. What you did by letting it get hurt is the equivalent of letting it fall flat on its back.
4. There Is No Perfect Size
As many of you know, I worked in a porn shop for seven years. Oh, you didn't know? Well...I did. In that seven years I saw penises of every shape, size, color, and girth. I never get to use that word. I thought I was a good size until I saw guys walking around like tripods. When you're around that much dick for years it starts to fuck with your head. “Maybe I'm not that big...” I'd say and shrug and play some video games.
The thing is that no matter what size you are you will always want something bigger. If you're with a girl and she says your dick is small suggest that maybe her vagina is too big. Make sure you have a way home or quick reflexes though. Chicks hate being told they have cavernous vaginas. Over time I realized that my size is right for me and yours should be for you. Don't dwell on that shit for too long. You'll start taking dick growing pills (which are all fake by the way) or getting surgery which can only grow it by an inch or two tops.
5. Talk To Her About Your Penis
Now I know that sounds weird. I have had to tell girls “Look, I haven't done this in along ass time so the first time will not be awesome.” That's not me being self deprecating, just honest. Its not like I have some pussy surplus and am all calm and collected when vajayjay presents itself. After that first time though I make it earn its nickname. Thing is, when you're not getting it on the regular its so excited that it does the opposite of what you want it to do!
Treat your dick like a dog. Pretend you're introducing it to another dog's owner. “Hey, I have had this for a while and it is trained but its lived a rough life. Every once in a while it does some shit I didn't expect. Just warning you to be careful.” If a girl is turned off or whatnot, fuck it. Beat off and eat some cereal. One day you'll meet a girl that understands that you have only 0.9% control of your genitals. Then she'll ruin it by talking about how good she is at blowjobs.
Click here for previous Five Things I Learned.
I was about to say that I really felt sorry for your penis (and you) when I read about it having a temporary fail at the worst possible moment, but penises (penii?) being the most male of maleparts would probably resent any kind of sympathy. Still, that's really awful (and I admit I giggled a bit). However, I'm impressed at your resourcefulness in dealing with said temporary fail.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, any woman reading your blog will probably have to regretfully admit to causing some accidental penis/balls pain at some time or another. It doesn't hurt us quite as much as it hurts you, but trust me, we feel your pain as much as we can. The worst thing about causing penis pain is the psychological element though, I really do believe that men do not ever get over that time you hurt their mini-me. I can't blame you either.
And what woman over the age of 15 talks about how good she is at giving blowjobs? You've mentioned that before in some other blog and I remember thinking, American women talk like that? Really? If you have someone specific in mind and she in fact a grown adult and not a needy little girl then someone, preferably female, needs to sit her ass down and explain to her what it is to be a woman and not an attention-seeking slapper. Sheesh. I know that sounds really judgmental and horrible but honestly, I cringe when I hear about anyone, male or female, try to desperately impress someone they like with that kind of nonsense.
If a chick ever does hurt a dudes wang she should just let him chill out. Just imagine its a scared little dog you just found. Approach it gently.
ReplyDeleteThere are still women that talk about how good they are at blowjobs. Its like you can say "Prove it" and have her drop to her knees. I mean, you could, but that would just change the tone of the party. One chick actually said "I've never had any complaints!" I was like "We almost never tell you!" If its a girlfriend I will make suggestions. Otherwise I'll just kinda deal with it with the same amount of emotion I have when I am out of creamer for my coffee.
And never worry about sounding judgmental here in Dantania. Hell, where would my blog be without it?!