Dante Picks The Next President

With the elections happening very soon I have been getting sick and tired of hearing people talk about propositions and the candidate they think will make things worst the least. I decided to pick three people that I think would make a great leader for the country and maybe even the world.

Yes, most of these are fictional characters but whatever. Most cartoon characters are more real to me than actual people. Ask me about my 4th grade teacher. Her name was Sylvia. She was Black. Had brown hair. And…that’s it. Now ask me about Wile E. Coyote. I will blather for hours about him. Now let’s get this election going in the right way!

Cobra Commander

I know that many people are saying “You cant be serious?” Yes. I. Am. I know that everyone thinks that Cobra is evil because he wears a mask and shouts a lot but when you think about it, he’s just like every other world leader except he’s honest about it. This is what Wikipedia says about him.

“…a fanatical leader, who rules with an iron fist, and demands total loyalty and allegiance. His objective is total control of the world's people, wealth and resources, brought about by revolution and chaos. He is suspected of having led uprisings in the Middle East and Southeast Asia, and for kidnapping scientists, businessmen and military leaders, forcing them to reveal their top level secrets.” 

Tell me that doesn’t sound like our world leaders now. I mean it sounds like them after someone exposes all the dirty bullshit that they’re doing and next thing you know they get accused of sexual assault and have to hide in South America for fear of being executed.

Voltron

This one may seem strange but hear me out. Imagine you’re West Korea or South Central America. You decide “Hey, I feel like shooting laser guided kitten missiles at a country because fuck it!” Missiles are fired and they suddenly explode in the air. You look up and there it is. Fucking Voltron. Next thing you know your pants change colors and you start praying to your many legged god.

This will be a Voltron controlled by five pilots who have no desire to have families or even pets. They just wanna ride around in a giant robot and defend the country when they have to. And Voltron will not just sit underground waiting to be used. Daily you will hear it rocketing over your house just to remind you to stay in line. Bitches.

Dante

That’s right. Me. I’ve been prepping Dantania for over 30 years now and its time for me to run shit. Politics? You wanna know my politics? Death penalty is a one day event that streams online and potatoes are used. Abortions are legal. Gay sex is legal. All borders are open. Drinking age is 18 seeing as how you can be armed and sent across the globe to murder at that age. You can practice any religion but if a Muslim wants to go to a Catholic church because its closer to his home he can and you cant say shit.

School will be taught by teachers who actually give a damn. Students who think they’re too cool for school will be taught how to pave roads, prep for the zombie attack and/or dirt people, and watch the skies for asteroids. I understand that not everyone is smart or wants to learn. There’s also legal suicide squads if you’re feeling saucy because life isn’t fun for everyone.

Drugs are legalized. All drugs. You wanna do meth? Groovy. Have at it, cowgirl. But don’t be shocked when I don’t let you drive a bus. You get to make rugs. All women are required to wear red draws and own at least two Wonder Woman outfits. Steampunk technology will be used instead of nuclear power because I don’t fucking understand it. And finally fighting will be super banned in football and basketball because each one makes you look stupid.

My name is Dante and I approve this message.