Five Things I Learned Going To Church

Before I start this is not gonna be me bashing religion or anything like that. This is a list of them Five Things I Learned Going To Church. I’ve been to church more times than I ever thought that I would as an adult seeing as how when I was a kid and we went, which thankfully was not every week, I would either fall asleep and get yelled at or sit there super bored and ready to go home and do anything but be in church.

You can learn a lot about people in a church without saying one word to them just by watching how they behave while they’re there. If you are like me and you are there for what feels like five hours but is actually less than two unless you showed up on the wrong Sunday and they have bible study in which case it sucks to be you there’s plenty of time for me to form an opinion about my fellow man. Now let the church say…

1. People Wear Things They Shouldn’t

This one was probably one of the biggest shocks for me. When I was little to me church meant wearing very nice clothes, a full dress, or something close to a funeral. Or if you are me you wear the world’s ugliest Easter shirt and tear it after service. When I was last going to church regularly like 90% of the women and young girls that went there dressed like they had just got from or were heading to the club.

En Vogue have really let themselves go.

There is nothing like seeing a girl wearing a skirt shorter than my patience in line getting the holy spirit and it riding up her legs while me and every other straight male tries not to look at her draws while she is kicking and screaming. This is the one day of the week where you should try your best to not show your ass and attempt to show class. I think you should be able to wear jeans to church or whatever. Just not something that makes me take the Lord’s name in vain when I look at you.

2. There Are Lots Of Gay Men

So many gay men! We all know that Black folks are super hard on men if they are gay which forces them to be on the down low (click here to read about that) and that just makes life more complicated for everyone involved. You know that thing when you see a couple together and you just know that the dude a woman is with is gay? Church is full of that.

"Quit playin' around. We're gonna be late for service!"

I have sat in church watching gay men in the pews, gay men ushering folks in, gay men sitting with their wives, and gay men pretending to be straight picking up women in the parking lot after church. Yes, that is a real thing that happens. You wanna hear a church get as silent as a mouse fart? Have a pastor talk about supporting our gay brothers and sisters. It gets scary silent.

3. People Judge You More Than God

I know this sounds funny coming from someone who is writing a judgmental blog post and someone who is so fucking judgmental that I go past this magical level of judgment and become non-judgmental all over again. But seriously, people in church will talk mad shit about you. They talk about you not clapping enough, not praising hard enough, and some assholes even talk about the clothes you’re wearing. I mean, who does that?! But my point is I’m usually in church to support someone else. It has nothing to do with me so I feel I can look at things different. That wont even let me have a wafer or drink!

This is what happened when I tried to get my communion on.

Years ago I almost got dragged on stage at church because I wasn’t praising hard enough. People were losing it around me what with their holy spirits and such. I just tried to blend into the background. I mean, I was clapping and all that, but I wasn’t shouting. I’m not a shouter. Long story short I refused and was told the Devil was keeping me in the seat. I replied “Okay” and had dude whisper to his church buddies about me for the rest of service. Bastard.

4. I Don’t Like Talking To Strangers

They do this thing in church where you have to say hello to the people next to and around you. I never liked this part. Some of it is the fact that I don’t raise my voice very well in public settings and the other is that I don’t like meeting new people all that much unless a friend has vouched for them. Plus there’s the older women given me “Fuck me!” eyes. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. That does happen in church. That’s just because they don’t know I’m not saved. I’ll nod to strangers in a second. But I don’t like when instead of a handshake folks try and hug me. I give them the side hug where my genitals are away from them. You gotta pay to play!

5. No One Knows The Truth

This is the biggest thing. No one knows about any of this stuff. We believe what we believe and that’s how it should be. Worship whatever god you do and keep it to yourself or like-minded people. Don’t make fun of people who worship animals or multiple gods because back in the day people were all abut multiple god worship until someone decided it was too much work and said “You know what? This is getting out of hand. How ‘bout we just round them all up into one?” 

I trust dude on the left. 

Most times people will try and push their version of a belief you both have and if you don’t agree you are told that you’re going to hell. Seeing as how all we know is from old books that have been heavily edited or lost, other humans that know just as much as you do, or your own feelings and emotions I say go with what’s in your heart. Just try not to fuck anyone over and if there is a for real God then you’ll at least be able to make a good case for you not burning in hell.

Click here for previous Five Things I Learned.