What If: Aliens Arrived On Earth?

I was watching an episode of Joe Rogan Questions Everything and the topic was aliens. He went looking for them and wanted to see if they were real or not by talking to various strange ass people. I personally assume that aliens are real. They may not look a damn thing like us but when you know that the universe is infinite its kind of ridiculous to believe that out of all the vastness of space that this funky ass little planet is the only one that has ever created life.

The concept of infinity will drive you insane if you contemplate it long enough (trust me, I've tried and the man you see before you has broken his mind countless times) and the idea that you believe in life on other planets will get you called insane. I hope that there is life somewhere else because of we are it not only is that just plan old sad, its a total waste of space.

I'm not saying that if their is life that I want to meet it. Chances are if they have the ability to come all the way here from wherever they are that Earth would become a gigantic science class for them. Back in the day when there were more stories of alien abductions every story would have the same thing happen. Bright light, taken away, asshole used as a wristband. I don't need that level of stress in my life right now or ever.

I don't expect an alien society to share their technology with us. For one we'd immediately try to find some way to use it against them to force them into giving us something even bigger. We wouldn't be happy with the space laser that cures cancer. We need one that cures cancer, sore throats, and every symptom listed on a jar of Blue Star Ointment. We'd also start fucking ourselves up with it. As bad as I want a laser gun I know that I am the absolute last person you'd want to see in possession of one. I would use it to cut in line, change the channel, or express both joy and sorrow.

"What? Not a fan of green?"

And how about alien women? On sci-fi shows the alien women tend to look like us but with negligible deformities. You know, like ridges on her nose, green skin, or a third boob. Things like that. But I think that is a for reals alien woman tried to have sex with me that I would end up curled into a ball openly weeping. Her vagina, or what passes for it, would be on the back of one of her many legs and it would look like lasagna someone dropped on the floor...then stepped on. And don't even get me started on the possible STD's an alien could have. Shit that would turn a dick into a nectarine.

I can picture exactly what would happen if a spaceship landed somewhere populated. Lets say...Los Angeles. I would say New York but they got enough problems handling The Warriors. So this thing comes and just hovers over the city. Within minutes it would be shot at. If not be military then by cops. If not by cops then trigger happy citizens. Next thing you know we are blasted to dust. If I were an alien and knew even half about humanity as I do I would stay as far away as possible. We look like lunatics.

“Okay, commander. First off they have hundreds of different languages. Yes, they are one species. Yes, they look similar for the most part. But get this: they kill each other over the color of their skin. I know, right?! There's more but I think that is enough. Let's go drop this world peace off on Mars and see what happens.”