Five Things I Learned Not Owning A Cell Phone

At the ripe age of 34 (my best friend says that if I am not married by next year I am legally a bachelor) I still do not own a cell phone. This is not because I can't afford one or once had one and lost it. I’ve just never owned one. This is not some kinda accident. This is a lifestyle choice that I’ve made to insure that I live a particular kind of life. A life where I pay attention to who I am with and what I’m doing.

I am the only person that I know that does not have a cell phone. This isn’t just to be different. If I wanted to be different I’d have a cell phone but an old school one with a briefcase that weighed 20lbs. and was guaranteed to give me cancer while the ones you all use are just likely to. I decided to write this Five Things I Learned Not Owning A Cell Phone to finally stop people from asking why I don’t have one and to see the benefits of not owning one.

1. Remembering Conversations

When I hang out with people I talk to them and just them. There isn’t me, them, and whoever I am texting or talking to on the phone. So when I am talking to someone, particularly in person, I am paying attention to what you are saying and can later bring it up at a future time for reference. There have been times where I’ve talked to someone while they are texting or pretending not to text (I can hear you doing it!) and later on they will ask me about shit I talked about for five minutes in great detail.

This is one of the worst parts of not having a cell phone while watching someone who has one not paying attention to you. If I had one I know that I would be spiteful with it. You pull out your phone and start texting while I am talking and I’d do the same thing. Yes, it is very childish but I’m pretty damn sure I’d do it.

2. I Have Almost No Responsibilities

The reasoning I hear most often from people who own cell phones is “What if my car breaks down?” “I need to reach my kids.” “What if something happens?!” Is there some perpetual state of fear of something terrible happening that keeps people clutching their cell phones? Do you just walk this Earth thinking “Any second something is gonna happen that will require me to be able to unlock my phone in a state or terror and/or panic and save the day with but a call!”

I don’t have kids and at this rate I never will. So there goes me needing to call them to see if the latest school shooting affected them. I don’t drive (that’s a whole ‘nother blog) so I don’t need to worry about a car breaking down. In all honesty there are about two to three times a year that I say to myself “Damn, I need a phone.” Its usually when I am running late or need to tell someone to grab something that isn’t my penis. Other than that I am my only responsibility. And that’s awesome!

3. Movies Are Ruined Now

I don’t mean this in the sense of how cell phones have removed most of the terror out of horror films. I mean because I have to be surrounded people getting in their last phone fix before a movie starts. “Wait, let me tell everyone that I am at the movies right this second!” Then after the movie is over “Oh, my god! I have so many messages from people! Why are they mad that I didn’t invite them to the movie?! Don’t they know I am here with you? They should. I tagged you.”

Thanks for letting the world know I’m not home!

Is it really that hard to leave your phone off while watching a movie? Its so embarrassing to be next to the person that is ruining the movie experience for everyone else by having their phone go off during a movie? I hate seeing the glow of people’s faces in a dark theater while they try and cover up the light as if they aren’t being a dick. Put the fucking thing away for 90 minutes. This isn’t even really about me not having a cell phone. Its courtesy. And how about concerts?

Yeah. You been to a show lately? You see dozens (or hundreds depending on the show) of people with their goddamn arms raised in the air pretending that there isn’t some poor bastard behind them trying to enjoy the show as well. Put your fucking phone down and enjoy the show like a human being. When I am the one telling you how to be human shit has gotten bad. You will never watch that footage. The sound is terrible. The footage looks like something out of Cloverfield. I used to think it was bad when people sat on other folks shoulders. Now the crowd is a glow of baby robots recording live shows. Stop that.

4. No One Likes Their Service Provider

“Ugh!” That is the universal cry of most cell phone users. No matter how much you pay, how long you’ve had it, or how many magical features it has your phone will work maybe 75% of the time. Phones calling people when it shouldn’t and not calling the ones it should. New versions coming out that has buttons in weird places or cameras that click so you can’t be sneaky and sneak photos. I don’t have a cell and I know that they are as reliable as Nintendo’s. You seriously don’t have to explain to me why it hung up because it still won’t make sense to me. My friend Heidi can call me from Australia and get perfect reception but a call from Universal City won't work because of “hills.” The fuck is with that?!

5. No One Wants To Talk Anymore

Fuck this one. People would rather send messages for hours instead of talking for a little bit. I’ve mentioned in a previous blog about how I have lost friendships and relationships because of messaging through phones (meaning phone to my computer). So much can go wrong when you write stuff to someone and things come across wrong and the next thing you know lives are changed because of a tiny device that is meant to make life easier.

I know that I talk a lot on the phone with people. A lot. But I do send messages to their phones and after a while my brain is like “I am chained to this son of a bitch! I need to be free!” On your cell you are walking, shopping, being a dangerous fucker and driving, while I am on a laptop. My friends know I don’t have a cell phone and that if I am messaging you (usually immediately compared to sitting for ten minutes to get a “LOL” back from someone) fairly quickly. Give people a call once in a while. If they are someone you don’t want to talk to then don’t text them either.

Click here for previous Five Things I Learned.

I saw this a while back and its pretty much how I feel.