Wednesday, December 4, 2013

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Scene 6


It's lunch time and everyone is starting to fall apart. Not me. Aside from my hands shaking uncontrollably when they choose to I'm still my happy self. Sad Sack is still upset at Mr. W. Scott for telling him about the bounced check. I tried to explain to him that this place isn't free and he flipped my bed over.

With me in it.

I started talking about Black Rage and he left the room. I didn't even get to tell him about Softy and how her dad runs this place. I need to figure out why she's even here. Maybe she's a spy. I bet she is. Damn it! I knew something was wrong with this place! Man, it's as hot as a crotch in here!

“Are you hot?” I ask Happy Hands which turns out to be a bad move on my part. His tongue darts in and out of his mouth about two dozen times in a couple of seconds and he locks eyes with me. I start to turn away but he places his hand on my shoulder and I am forced to face him.

“I'm always hot” he whispers.

“Where's you other hand?” I ask. He just smiles and I bolt. I see Boobs sitting with two guys and decide that it would be responsible of me, you know socially, to leave her alone. Honestly, its the fact that she is smiling and her smile looks like it could dent steel. Its Africa hot in this place. I wipe my brow and my hand is covered in sweat. “What the hell is going on?”

Delirium tremens” Mr. W. Scott says from behind me. “I'll be keeping a close eye on you, Mr. Thompson.”

“I know that's supposed to scare me but it makes me feel all warm and tingly inside” I say to him as I hug myself. He just looks down at his clipboard and checks something off.

“There will be a session immediately following lunch” he says. “I dare you to be late.”

“Sir, yes, sir” I say and salute him. He just walks away. I spot Mary and Joseph with their heads bowed and praying again. I walk over to them and something gives me away because they both stop and stare at me before I reach them.

“Leave us alone before I break your fucking dick off” Mary says.

“That seems excessive” I tell her.

“And then I'll jam it up you and your nigger boyfriends ass” Joseph tells me.

“Whoa!” I say an hold my hands up. “Just...whoa. I don't appreciate that kinda language, okay? He's not my boyfriend. We're just pals.” They both sneer at me before going right back to praying. I walk over to this small guy wearing a shirt that's two sizes too small, pants that belong to a teenager, and facial hair that I can smell from a distance. “Did you hear what those two said?”

“Yeah” he says while drinking from a juice box. Where'd he get a juice box? I want a juice box? Its so hot in here! “You know why they're in here, right?”

“Oh, do tell.”

“They are trying to pray their hate away” he says and finishes off his juice box. “Their kid started dating a Black kid and they lost their minds, went to the kids' family, and set their lawn on fire.”

That's them?!” I ask. I had heard about this on the news about a week before I came here. “But they look too young to have a kid.”

“They're 26 and 24 years old but had their kid when they were 16 and 14 and are possibly brother and sister” he tells me.

“How do you know so much?”

“I know a lot of things” he says and has another goddamned juice box! I didn't even see where he got it from!

“Thanks, Google” I say, shake his hand, and walk away. A bell rings and a few people groan as we make our way to an assembly room. Its set up in a circle with a podium in the center. After everyone sits down, I make sure to sit next to Sad Sack and Boobs is on the other side, the lights dim and a spotlight shines down in the center. Mr. W. Scott appears out of thin air! I shit you not. Someone even gasps.

“Wretches” he says. “Filth. This very moment there are men dying from knife wounds in alleys all across this country that have more children than they would care to admit, have never paid taxes, and have not earned a honest dollar in their lives that are worth more than any of you. Fetuses left in public restrooms on prom night stand more of a chance of contributing to society than any of you. The phlegm expectorated from the lungs of a dying cancer patient means more to me than your lives.” Someone in the back claps, Mr. W. Scott looks up, the clapping stops. “Yes, let us applaud your failures. That is what this is about. Where I stand is the Shame Circle. Each of you will--” he stops speaking. We all turn and see a very large man raising his hand. “I do not recall asking for questions. Perhaps you would like to volunteer to go first?”

“Actually...” the guy says and then takes a deep breath. I'll call him Beef. “...I'm not good at...talking, you know, publicly.”

“But you are doing it right now” Mr. W. Scott says.

“Uh...I know, but...” and then smack! Mr. W. Scott launches a notepad through the air, over our heads, and gets Beef right between the eyes. He leaves the Shame Circle, the spotlight following him the entire time, and the chairs part as he nears Beef.

“You interrupt me ever again and I will stick my fist so far up your buttocks your flatulence will have to ask my elbow permission to leave your anus” he says. He lifts Beef up, with one hand!, off the ground and slams him into his seat. Beef is breathing even harder and tears are welling up in his eyes. “If a single tear falls from your eyes I will kill you.”

“This...is intense” I mumble.

“Thank you for volunteering to go first, Mr. Thompson.”

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