Johnny Panic: Mile High Club Part 3

As I headed towards the chase I knew that Ronica would be able to handle herself on Juliana's show. I'd catch it later since I made sure to record it when we left. I had no idea how much handling she would do until we watched it later when we got home. I'm zipping over the city and my phone goes off. It's Zazz.

“What's going on, lunch break?”

“I hate you” he replies. “You need to hurry up and finish what you're doing and get back to the studio!”

“How come why?”

“'How come why'?” he asks. “Who talks like that? Anyway, Ronnie and Juliana are getting into it!”

“Sexy getting into it or violent getting into it? Or both? Is it both? Are you still recording it? I swear if you aren't I'm gonna drop you off in Africa!”

“Good” he says. “Then maybe I'll finally be able to make a friend that speaks English.”

“I be speaking it so good you don't know even!” I say. He sighs. I sigh back. He sighs back louder. I moan. He moans back. “I was recording that by the way.”

“What...?”

“I'm gonna give to Rick Ruben to remix into a song.” Zazz is silent. “I love you, Zazz.” He hangs up. Rude. I got the car in my sights anyway so whatever with him. Ever since he got a woman he thinks he's hot shit. But he's not. I am. I'm the hottest shit ever. This guy is driving pretty fast. I fly until I am floating next to his window. I tap on it and wave. He fires a shot at my face. It doesn't hurt or anything but it stinks. “Really, dude?”

“Get the fuck back or this baby gets it!” he shouts. I snatch the gun from his hand before he blinks. “My finger!”

“Shoulda let go of the gun, assbutt” I say. I flick his forehead knocking him out. I shove him to the passenger seat and slow the car down while the baby keeps crying. We stop and I reach into the backseat and get the baby. She cries until I start singing to her.

“Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you...” She smiles and I have a new fan.

Later that night.

“That bitch!” Ronica shouts and tosses her purse on the couch. “Can you believe the shit she said?!” I can't stop laughing and Ronica hates that.

“Can I watch what happened?” I ask her. She just stares at me. “Did you really call her 'cunty'?”

“Maybe. I don't know.”

“Because if you did call her that we are having sex for the next three days.” I sit on the couch and check the DVR. Yes! “I'm gonna watch it, okay?” Ronica sighs and sits next to me. I start the video and fast forward until it gets to me showing up. “Told you I make that outfit work” I say. We watch until I take off and Ronica comes out. “You look great, miss.”

“Thanks.”

“I'm for serious! If you weren't my woman I'd want you as my woman” I say. “I would cheat on my wife to be with you I love you so much.”

“Thanks...?” she tells me.

“Ooh, here comes where the fireworks start!” I say and watch the video.

“So, Rhonda...”

“Ronica” she corrects Juliana.

“Ronica?” Juliana says and laughs. “What kind of name is Ronica?”

“My parents couldn't settle on a name so they mixed two and came up with that” she says. “I don't think its that strange.”

“So besides dating the hottest man alive what do you do for a living?” Juliana asks. “Are you living the life or a starlet? Parties and clubs?”

“Not really” Ronica says.

“Uh-oh” I say to Ronica and pause the video.

“What?” she asks me.

“You just did that thing with your eye that you do when you are starting to lose you shit” I tell her. I rewind a little bit and freeze it. “There.”

“I didn't know I did that” she says.

“Well, until earlier I didn't know that my face could have a conniption” I remind her and start the video again.

“So what is it you do then?” Juliana asks sounding way condescending. Ooh.

“Besides taking care of our daughter, Milly, and wondering if this will be the day I lose my man while he saves the world I started and continue to run Johnny's website. I head up several of the charities that do things like supply food, water, and housing all over the world. Last year we built thirty eight schools in America and two hundred and nine worldwide. We cleared California's debt. I employ over two thousand employees through our sweatshop free clothing line as well as...”

“You cheated with Toby McGuire, right?” Juliana asks. Ooh.

“Yes” Ronica says. She doesn't mention that she did it to get back at me for sleeping with Scarlett Johansson. She also knows how much I hate Toby McGuire.

“How did Johnny handle that?” Juliana smiles at her audience and crosses her legs.

“There's a run in your stockings” Ronica replies.

“I'm not wearing stockings.” Applause.

“Sorry” Ronica says and smiles. “You have a scar on your leg.” Laughter.

“We'll be right back!” Juliana says and they cut to a commercial.

“Wow!” I say and kiss Ronica on the cheek. “What happened during the break?”

“She ignored me” Ronica says. “That guy that brought you out applied some makeup to her leg and smiled at me and mouthed 'Well played' when he walked away.” I shut up when the show comes back on then pause it again because Milly starts crying. I get up and grab her. She stops crying and starts chewing my hair as usual. I sit down with her and she reaches for Ronica.

“You can be replaced” I remind Milly. “I saved a very grateful baby just this morning.” Milly just smiles at me and buries her face in Ronica's neck.

“Are you jealous of your own baby?” Ronica asks me. I shrug and press play.

“So tell me Ronica, how did you and Johnny Panic meet?” she asks. “And how do you two stay faithful when every woman in the world wants to sleep with him?” Ooh.

“I'm the best there is at what I do” Ronica replies. The crowd loses their shit and start chanting Ronica's name. Even Milly start trying to clap.

“I don't remember saying that” Ronica tells me.

“You are a firecracker” I tell her.

“You never know...” Juliana tells Ronica. “Who's to say that Johnny isn't getting some on the side?” Ooh.

“Why are you so cunty?” Ronica asks her. Ooh.

“Excuse me?”

“Cunty. C-U-N...”

“There's no need for you to get so confrontational” Juliana says. Light applause.

“I disagree” Ronica says. “You invite me and Johnny on this show, which until a few minutes ago I was a fan of, and at the last second say I can't come out. Then you attack him and when he's gone saving the life of a child you try and attack me. And you failed. You can't attack me and you can't hurt me and it has nothing to do with the fact that I am with the world's only superhero who can and will move mountains, literally, to prove his love for me. So keep trying and when this interview is done I'll go home to my beautiful baby, great friends, and awesome guy while you're sleeping with some troll you met on a reality show. Hashtag that, bitch.” Applause. Cheers. Barking. The people go crazy. Ronica waves to the crowd, gives Juliana a wink, and walks off stage. I stop the video.

“I wanna be in you” I tell her.

“I'm holding our baby” she tells me. I just stare at her picturing her naked.

“Before you ask, yes, I am picturing you naked” I tell her.

“You've seen me naked a million times” she says.

“What's your favorite thing to eat?” I ask her.

“Cake. Chocolate cake” she says and smiles.

“You're my chocolate cake” I tell her.

“If I didn't know any better I'd think you were trying to have sex with me” she says and gives me that smile that she does when she knows she wants a piece of me. “Can you read my mind now?”

“Yes” I say. “You want some chocolate cake.”

“Correct!” she says and kisses me on the cheek.

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