Kids Stuff That Ruined Kids Lives

Growing up there comes a time when someone is gonna refer to you as a cartoon character. Most times it is a nice name like Pooh or Sugar Bear. Those are nice things to be called. Other times you get called by a name and the shit sticks with you for the rest of your life. As an adult people start talking about how much they love a certain cartoon and suddenly your ass flashbacks and once again you're on the playground surrounded by asshole children laughing at you. “Leave my teeth alone, Rachar! You're fat! I hate you!” Oh, sorry. Just had a flashback.

When I was little I knew a kid called Gizmo from the Gremlins movie. I can't tell you his actual name for shit. Until I die that kid is known as Gizmo. Know why? Because he looked exactly like Gizmo in human form. Hell, I have two uncles whose real names I don't know.

Baby Huey is what kids that are just too goddamned big for their age. They are the kids that when a class photo is taken are forced to stand in the back with the other mutants. I wished I was this kid growing up. I was always in the row with all the other tiny girls. Just 'cause you were big didn't get you the Baby Huey name all the time. It was usually the big kid that was also overweight which means that school was twice as fun for them. There was also the fact that they tended to hurt others with their strength that they at that age had no way of controlling. Asking for a boost onto playground equipment was the fastest way to end up in the nurses' office. This kid was either picked on or used as protection from other kids.

Dumbo was the name given to those kids that had big ears. I can just imagine when this movie came out and some bastard kid looked to his left and saw another kid in the theater just have their head drop because they knew what was coming for the rest of their lives. No one ever calls a kid Dumbo in a nice or cute way. It is just a way of acknowledging that someone's ears are a bit too goddamn big for their existence. Even though Dumbo was seen and known as cute and a character that you felt sympathy towards the opposite was true when applied to real life. If you knew a girl with big ears as a child chances are she grew up into a hot ass woman. Oh, look. Her hair is longer and she looks like a completely different human being. Who knew?

Barney came out and threw salt in the game of every fat person wearing purple. It does not help that a lot of Black people wear purple. It also doesn't help that almost every Black cartoon character is given purple as their color. Barney came out 22 years ago and till this day if I see an angry fat person wearing purple Barney is the first thing that comes to mind. “Calm down, Barney...” Not friendship. Not fun. Not learning. Just a large object that is purple. I guess Grimace used to be the thing to call fat folks in purple but Barney cornered that market.

Big Bird was not a name used on fat kids. Just the ones that were really tall and lanky. The kids that looked like teachers aides in class pictures. These kids I wasn't too jealous of because they moved like they had only 30% of their bodies. They walked like the world was a treadmill going at full speed and knocked shit over all the time because their limbs were growing at a rate their depth perception couldn't keep up with. I went through this phase and whenever someone tells me that they wish that they were taller I will quickly explain why having a taller height sucks. There is nothing like the look on someone's face when I explain that all my hobbies include sitting still or laying down.

Kool Aid Man is another one that is applied to fat people. Particularly fat, destructive people wearing red. This is the White people equivalent to Barney because on makeover shows I'll be damned if they don't give big White women this color to wear. Its like “Her confidence still kinda exists so let's give her a color that even blind people can see and judge her for wearing.” Sometimes it happens when you don't even want it to. If I see a chubby kid wearing red my brain goes “Oh, yeah!!!” and I have to call myself an asshole. God forbid they fall down doing something. Oh, somebody in the room is gonna scream like Kool Aid Man.