Man Has Sex With ATM Machine

You ever have one of those nights where you're just walking down the street and you see an ATM machine that's just asking for it? You have? Freak! Social deviant! Lonnie Hutton, 49, of Tennessee was arrested at a bar around 9pm when he walked up to an ATM machine, pulled his pants down, and tried to fuck the damned thing. After that he started walking around the bar thrusting into the air. Then he ran out of fucks to give and started fucking a wooden picnic table after being placed outside the bar. This guy is a champion! Just look at this mess. Can you picture him walking around a bar with his pants around his ankles fucking everything inanimate? Night. Ruined. He was charged for public intoxication and is locked up on $250 bond which doesn't seem like all that much.

I bet this is what that ATM looked like to Lonnie. Each time I hear about a story like this I wish that they would print exactly what these people drink so I can make sure to avoid that magical concoction at every cost. If it was like “If you mix two whiskeys, vodka, half a beer, and a margarita you will fuck an ATM machine” I'd make sure to drink all of that except for the margarita. When you're in your 20's stories like this are common but as you get older and look back you realize what a moron you were. I think of the two times I got so drunk I had blackouts and wonder how I didn't end up fucking an ATM machine myself. I do recall seeing a gas pump that was giving me the eye that one time though. I'll fill you up, you saucy wench...