Five Things I Learned At Weddings

I have been to only four weddings on my life. In my family there has been only one official wedding in my lifetime which is strange as shit when I really think about it. Out of the four weddings I have been to, two of them were for people I knew, and two were for complete strangers to me. Before the first wedding I went to I was not prepared whatsoever. I had the dates mixed up and threw on my suit with no tie on looking like I was on suicide watch. I spent the entire time drunk off my ass and only got on the dance floor once.

Weddings are a big deal and there are some people that spend their entire lives looking forward to walking down the aisle. Sometimes its beautiful and sometimes...not so much. In this Five Things I Learned At Weddings I'm gonna talk about some of the stuff I learned being invited to the few weddings that I've been to.

I'm Gonna Get Drunk

At the four weddings that I've been to the worst one just happened to be the one I didn't get drunk at. I was taken by an ex girlfriend to a wedding on The Queen Mary and the entire time my lady was acting like an asshole. The food was garbage (scrambled eggs in mashed potatoes, really). I had to watch how much I drank because my lady loved getting hammered and I had to watch her. By the way, ladies. This is a task no man loves unless he is 100% sure that he is gonna bone her later. So, yeah. I was sober.

At the other three weddings I was drunk but not a threat. For friends who have been around me drunk they know how I am. I talk to strangers more and say a lot of funny stuff I won't remember later. I don't think a single friend can say that they have been around me drunk and worried about me doing anything stupid. Well, maybe some stupid things like snatching garter belts out of the air before a child can...

I Become A Social Butterfly

Since I'm not in relationships during the times I am invited to weddings most times I have been invited I tend to get put at misfit tables. I am seated with people I barely know or don't know at all. It seems like my worst nightmare but it turns out very well. We become the party table. We have no family to shame and end up laughing and talking the entire time. Plus with the whole being drunk thing I end up talking way more than usual. Besides that one shitty wedding I've had a lot of fun with strangers at the tables I sat at. As for dancing socially, that happened to save an old friend from a pervy old man. Other than that I am not on the dance floor.

I Use Youtube To Get Dressed

I was never taught how to tie a necktie. It was never something I had to worry about in my life and my father never sat down with me to show me how. So the next best thing was going online and find a video of a guy with an English accent slowly showing how to do a Windsor knot. That's all I know how to do and that one is hard enough for me. Ties are fucking hard! The thing is that I never get to wear ties. I think the last time I did was maybe four years ago for a funeral. Putting on ties is just not a thing that happens in my life. But I will say, I look good in a tie.

Women Look Great

After going to a couple of weddings I totally began to see why guys try to hook up with bridesmaids and such at weddings. Chicks are trying to look their best because these pictures are gonna be floating around for years and years. Almost every dress is tight. Its ridiculous..in a totally awesome way. And I'm not even talking about the women that are a part of the wedding. Just every woman is walking around looking good and it sucks because I am wearing a suit with my shirt tucked in. That leads to issues in the crotchal region. Oh, grow up! We're all adults here!

I'll Never Have A Big Wedding

Back when I used to have relationships and talked about weddings (yes, this is a thing I used to do) I would cringe if the chick talked about all the friends and family they wanted there. “How many people would you invite?” they'd ask and my answer would always make me sound like an asshole. I would count how many family members I'd want there and need one hand. My best man would likely be a woman. It was a whole thing. I don't knock anyone that is able to have and liked big ass wedding. I just know that I couldn't deal with it as well as having that much attention on me. Unless I can wear a mask. That would be cool. But then everyone else would have to wear a mask and then it because a themed wedding and themes bug me. Ugh. Nevermind. The wedding is off!

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