Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Fistening

It's that time once again where I find interesting dating questions and answer them for myself. I tried to get rid of the ones I have answered on previous blogs and stick with the ones I wish people would actually ask me. These are more on the fun side and not stupid ass ones that ask about what school I went to and a lot of work shit.

As some people may know, I hate talking about work unless it's an awesome ass job where there are fights, explosions, sex, or body fluids. Otherwise you work at an office that has an asshole no one likes...and we don't wanna hear about them unless you have almost punched them once.

I like random ass stuff and would prefer if someone walked up to me and asked “What's the funkiest thing you ever smelled?” Now that's interesting to me.

I think I may have just explained why I'm single.

I've been talking to friends more about not dating lately. I think they thought I was playing when after my last relationship and the extra failed attempt that I was joking when I said I was done. There are women that I like and end up having a crush on but I have to take those feelings, ball them up, and hide them behind memories of past relationships. I say “No! Not today! Not tomorrow! Not...never!” Then I watch TV, iron, or write.

What three U.S. cities would you never, ever move to even for the job offer of your dreams?

I don't even need to name specific cities. I can just say no to the Mid West because to hell with the wind moving my house. I'll pass on the East coast because fuck dealing with snow. And hell no to the South because it's the South and half my family moved from there for a reason. I've been asked this question by people before who left their homes just to end up where I am. I win!

What combination of fixings makes your perfect burrito?

Lots of beef, corn, rice, a guacamole. I don't need much else. Oh, and salsa.

How long did it take you to start enjoying coffee?

I think once one of my ex's started staying over regularly and I'd make breakfast and we'd sit and chill for about an hour drinking coffee and chain smoking. That was when I started enjoying it and not just using it as something to make me more alert.

What quality is your automatic “no fucking way” when pursuing a potential relationship?

Actresses. As much as I love looking at them I can not and will not date someone that wants to be an actress. I don't have the mental capacity to support that endeavor.

What are two of your bucket list items?

I surpassed one by making it to this age and not being arrested. I guess another would be learning how to do a back flip.

Have you ever kept a New Year's resolution?

Yes. Hence the whole being single thing. Resolutions are way easier to keep when you keep them to yourself. I don't need to be held accountable to others to get shit done.

Were you closer with your mom or your dad growing up?

My pa. I don't call him “dad.” He was fun when I was really little and didn't know better.

Do you have any specialty cooking dishes?

I can cook the fuck out of a Thanksgiving dinner. Pie, turkey, ham, and homemade stuffing. I make great mashed potatoes, too.

What is one job you could never do?

There are two. Working in any capacity in a restaurant unless I am doing dishes and selling people clothes.

When is your birthday?

Early March. I'm a Pieces. Deal with it.

What is in your fridge right now?

Milk, coffee, lemonade, leftover pizza and chicken. There ain't much.

What are you worse at than 90 percent of the population?

Pretending that I am interested in things I'm not. I just can't do it.

Do you believe in aliens?

Yes. I really want them to be real. Otherwise all this space is just wasted.

Do you think it's the little things or grand gestures that count the most?

It's the little things. People tend to do grand gestures for some sort of reward or pat on the back.

Have you ever been out of the country?

Nope. I don't plan on it either. Traveling is not something that interests me. Don't waste your time calling me boring. It has no effect on me.

What fact about you surprises people the most?

That I don't have kids. Far too many people have been surprised by this upon meeting me.

What's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done?

A surprise blowjob in a public place. It. Was. The. Best.

What's your ideal vacation?

Staying home, going to a movie, maybe making out or sex later. That almost every day I'm on vacation would rule. I did that last year! I win again!

What was your favorite family vacation growing up?

My family never, ever went on a single vacation. Ever.

Are you a big fan of any major pro sports team?

The Kansas City Chiefs...because I love knowing that I will be disappointed.

What was your favorite subject in school?

Science! I fucking loved advanced physical science and biology. It made the most sense of of any subject I ever studied. This happens and this follows. You did this and that will happen.

What are you better at than 90 percent of the population?

Dealing with it. Pretty damned hard to shake me up.

What is the proudest moment or greatest achievement of your life so far?

Possibly moving out of my parents home and staying out. That makes me feel good. There's also the whole not having kids or going to jail stuff. That's cool.

If you could be any animal, what would you be?

Some kinda giant cat just so I could lay there and have people scratch my chin all day.

What is a family tradition your family has?

Unplanned births and early deaths.

What do you think is the most important life lesson for someone to learn?

That most of what we think is important really isn't.

What was your favorite toy growing up?

This cow/dinosaur that I used to own. Fucking loved that thing.

What is the best advice you've received?

My Grandmama once told me after a tale of when she worked in a hospital years ago and hated it “Don't do anything you don't want to.” My mind exploded, my face melted off, and I've been saying “No” ever since.

What's the luckiest thing that's ever happened to you?

Any time a woman has allowed me to have sex with her has been the luckiest thing to happen to me.

What do you feel people take for granted the most?

Honestly? Me. I think people believe that I'm an inexhaustible resource. I'm not.

What is the craziest scene or event you have ever witnessed?

Oh, god. There are too many from working at the porn shop and the hospital to pick one.

What is your biggest pet peeve?

People spitting. I hate watching people spit and hate hearing it even more.

What was the worst job you've ever had?

This pet store I worked at back in 1998. I hated every single day there for two months.

What was the last book you read?

“The Drop” by Dennis Lehane. Incredible book and movie.

When you were younger, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A boxer.

What was something that recently moved you?

This damned scene in Guardians Of The Galaxy. There were a few scenes. They made people in the theater cry but my tear ducts dried up years ago. But I could see how it would make people cry.

What skill or talent do you wish you had or were better at?

I wish I were better at hiding my feelings at times. When I'm pissed it is hard to hide it.

Are you a cat person, a dog person, both or neither?

Either or. I like that cats will leave the room for a while and not be all over you the way dogs will. That gets old real fast.

What do you think is your greatest strength?

Cheering people up when they feel shitty. I'm pretty good at that.

What is the last vegetable you would ever want to be?

Broccoli. Fuck those things.  

Click here for previous Why Isn't Dante Dating posts.