Five Things I Learned Watching Porn

This is my 1400th post on this site. Yay! And how fitting that the thing I'm gonna write about is porn. Now, a lot of people say they aren't into porn. They have been labeled by society as “liars.” Yeah, I now there are a lot of folks not into it and say its gross. We call those people “prudes.” I think people who watch porn and hate it had a bad experience. My first real porn experience was terrible.

I had watched bad Playboy channel porn (even when it was scrambled!) and thought that was real porn. No. I was so...so wrong. One day I watched a porn with nothing but Black folks, a new experience, and these people were so greasy and wet. And things were going into places and stuff was coming out of things. Shit blew my mind.

And I wanted more.

So after years of gathering information I wouldn't say I was lying if I called myself an expert on porn. In this Five Things I Learned Watching Porn I'm gonna talk about the five things that stick out the most, and I'm not talking about Lexington Steele. Besides all the hours I've logged personally I also worked in a porn shop for seven years. Yes. It is as sad as it sounds. By clicking read more you give up all rights to be horrified.

Kinks Get Specific

I like women. I like all kinds of women. But when you have access to porn you start to realize that you've been boxing your penis in and not knowing it. I've clicked on BBW's. Not all of them are scary and massive. But then I do like older women. MILF's. Okay. POV? Sure! That's more like it. Five minute clip with three minutes of the woman telling her life story. Yawn.

By the time the porn gets going I'm already looking for something else to watch. I don't wanna hear about how you lost your virginity the year I was born. No matter what you're looking for if you look around long enough you'll find what you like. As well as what you don't like.

My Penis Is Racist

I can not watch Asian guys have sex. That means Chinese, Indian, and even Japanese. Just can't. Its not just because a lot of Japanese porn is pixelated. Dead serious. Penis shows up on screen it turns 8bit. Really weird. I wish I could watch this stuff because there are a new breed of thick-assed Japanese girls now. But I can not listen to Asian men moaning. Or Asian women screaming as if they are being killed. I don't know any Asian woman well enough and have never slept with one to find out if this screaming is the norm. I like Japanese American porn.

I also can't watch porn if the guy in the scene has dreads. Women are fine, but not men. Not sure what that's about but I can not deal with that. Or guys that talk too much during sex. Or guys who aren't circumcised. Yeah, you can get upset with me all you want about that but it creeps me out.

Most Positions Are Made For Film

No way that feels good. There are some positions, like the one above, that is not practical. They are the giant anime swords of sex. It may look interesting but there is no way in hell that I would ever try that in real life. That is something I've heard women talk about regarding porn. That it makes guys have unrealistic expectations. You know what? Tell your guy to do some porn guy shit in real life and watch how fast he gives up. Literally. He will come too fast or get hurt.

Regular old sex is perfectly fine. There's no need to try and be an acrobat during sex. Just stick it in, hope you last longer than a moment, then sigh when you don't. When people start Cirque Du Soleil-ing all over the place I just roll my eyes and watch something else. If you are with someone that thinks that a ton of tricks are needed in bed, run away before one of you end up on the news because a dick got broken.

There Is A Limit

When wallowing in the world of porn you will eventually get tired of watching your favorite porn stars or porn situations. You'll get curious and start clicking categories that you normally stayed away from. Eventually you stumble across something that scares you. But that doesn't stop you. So you go even further into the rabbit hole until you get to a point where you brain goes “You know what? I'm good.” Then you'll end up back where you were at the start of your porn watching adventure.

If you don't dabble in porn then you have no idea the scary world that is out there. I'm talking furries. I'm talking glory holes. Gang bangs. Bukkake. Gagging. I just discovered that there is a category called THOT (short for That Hoe Over There) which is mostly cellphone footage of girls giving head in public places. Tread carefully. You can click on one type of movie and it can quickly turn into something else. Nothing worse than getting some she-male in your squirters.

You Don't Need That Much

There is also a limit in terms of how much you own. I have no physical copies of porn. I used to have a chest full of it from working at the porn shop for so long. But you realize that if you have a 90 minute tape that you need maybe four minutes of it at a time. A 90 minute tape (or DVD) can last months. There were porn tapes that were six hours long which to me meant that you'd never have to buy another tape ever again.

Also, you can watch the same stuff over and over again. I used to have one tape that I knew from memory and would just watch the same scene repeatedly. It was, if there is such a thing, the perfect sex scene. It had everything I wanted to see (but never try) in a ten minute period. It was a Brazilian porn star that has an okay face, great ass, and terrible boob job. But I didn't care. I got to meet Buttman who filmed the scene and wanted to shake his hand. But knowing where his hand has been I thought better of it.

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