Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Answering

Over the last two years that I've been doing these Why Isn't Dante Dating? blogs I've never flat out asked people that I knew what type of woman I should date. I pretty much asked “...what kind of woman do you think would be good for me? You can make the response one sentence or as long as you want.” I honestly expected to get maybe five responses back and am surprised and happy by the amount of folks that replied. Thank you.

I was talking to my cousin last night and the topic of hobbies came up and how most of my ex's didn't have any and no matter how many times I've said “I'm not dating someone that doesn't have a damned hobby!” I've kept doing it. Then she mentioned opposites attracting and that sent me on a two minute rant. I also told a friend what I wanted. “I'd just say she should like food, not exercise much, enjoys penis, watches TMZ, hates politics, and reads books. And drives. Doesn't like makeup. Yeah. I think that's it.”

I'm not using any names of people that responded but I have added about how long I have known them. I've been trying to figure out a way to write this all morning. A few people I talked to asked if there was a running theme in the responses I got and I can see a couple that I'll talk about at the end. I was gonna comment after each post but I think I shouldn't. Fuck it. I will. Its my blog. Democracy at work. I will be taking everyone's suggestions and opinions under consideration.

1+ Years: “Someone you could be creative with. A good sense of humor. Loving, caring, thoughtful, honest, and silly. I hope you find someone that pulls you outta your home a lot.”

Stop trying to make me leave the house. I like the creative part because I've tried that in the past with mixed results. Mixed meaning hardly any. Honesty is super important. It saves time and means we can ends things quickly instead of dragging them out. I hate finding out things months later that if I'd known a week in I would have stopped talking to them.

6+ Years: “Someone really independent, quiet and likes movies and reading. Also secure and patient.”

Read! You know what reading means? You are good at time management. Most people that say they don't read mean they don't have time to. Patience is also important because I am not an easy person to deal with...at first. Two friends have told me that I am not an easy friend to have at first but once they learn “the rules” I am good.

30+ Years: “An easy going girl.”

I have not dated many easy going chicks. I date people that run around a lot or get mad that they can't run around a lot because they don't finish things that would allow them to or for financial reasons. Or time. No one has enough time.

10+ Years: “I'm reminded of a fella I once knew, Kelly. He was a forty-something gear-head mechanic, groundskeeper sweaty biker from the city. A good guy who never really got ahead, he just got by.

Anyway, by chance one day, he met this woman, fifty-something, independently secure fiscally, owned a nice home in the moneyed suburbs. It was only a few weeks before he moved in with her, quit all of his odd jobs and lost touch with his old life. She'd say, “You spend all of your time fixing everyone else's motorcycles. How about you work here on your own for a change?” Or, “You don't spend enough time taking care of yourself, how about you take a nice long soak in the jacuzzi?” etc. Six months, that dude was living high on ze hog, if you will.

He died in a motorcycle accident when he went over the handlebars on the thruway and snapped his neck on impact.

The whole point being: He was ultimately suited for a woman who WANTED him, but did not NEED him. She had everything she needed, but because of that, was able to give Kelly the freedom he could never have attained otherwise. And all she wanted in return was to share company with him, because he was a good fella.

So if you could find someone who didn't want you as a father, or breadwinner, or trophy, but WANTED YOU, and wanted you to be in the most conducive setting in which to BE you, that would be ideal.

Just stay off of the 198 expressway.”

This one seems like it would be hard to obtain. Especially the older I get. Anyone that wants me as a father is barking up the wrong tree. A breadwinner? Depends on how motivated I'm feeling. Trophy? Ha! That will never happen. I'm not sure anyone ever wanted me for me. People have wanted me because of what I had the potential to be. Multiple times I've been told that someone was happy with me and then tried to turn me into someone I'm not. That's not to say that I can't change. Just that most people don't last long enough to see it or bother acknowledging it.

6+ Years: “I think a woman who is smart, open minded, communicates well, and has a sense of humor.”

Communication! Its funny but I never talk about someone being smart when wanting them. Not to say I want a dumb chick, but its easy to fake smart. I think I've had only one or two girlfriends that I would describe as funny or having a sense of humor.

5+ Years: “Limber in mind, spirit, and DEFINITELY body because I KNOW you one of them that challenge limbs, angles. Fucking STAMINA! LMAO! Chick must also have her own snaps AND preferably a way to generate more in a partnership of some sort with you. If she don't see potential in making money off of BOTH a y'all creative energy, she ain't worth tossin'!”

I think you paint me as more of a sexual dynamo than I am...sober. I think a lot of people see potential in me making money from things I do. Hell, even I do. But I don't care to. I had to have a friend publish my stories for me because I couldn't be bothered to. As girlfriend/agent would be fine until I got rich. Then it becomes a problem. I've watch enough sports to know that. Being able to work with someone creatively would be fun though. I've tried in the past but people have trouble keeping up.

5+ Years: “A woman who is intelligent, yet approachable. Likes to read and is easy going and super laid back. Quiet and introspective, not a person who is loud or wants to be the center of attention. She doesn't have to like ALL the things you are interested in, but she has to respect your taste, and 'entertain' them every once in awhile.”

I think the laid back part is what made me say before that I would date women over 40 and just tired of bullshit. I've never been someone that demanded attention or dated someone that did. I've had a couple of loud girlfriends and that gets old fast. I can be loud but its in spurts. As for entertaining my tastes, I think that goes with my weird ass hobbies. She doesn't have to do them but it'd be cool if she wanted to try them once. Respect my taste!

20+ Years: “You need a wild city woman whose gonna turn you out!!! LOL, no. I think the woman who would be good for you is a woman who likes art, who is equally creative as you. Not a Stage 5 Clinger. One whose not easily swayed by the media and what goes on in the world, a foodie who can cook and has no dietary restrictions unless she's allergic, pretty (of course) and can hold a conversation with you and who you bring around her. Yep. That's what you need.”

I had to look this Stage 5 Clinger term up. Urban Dictionary says “It's a person who is obsessive over the guy or girl who took there virginity. Usually someone who is very insecure, a bitch, needy and/or clingy.” I wonder if I could deal with someone that creates on my level. I imagine it would get annoying. Being swayed by the media is funny to me because I know too many people that are and have dated people that were. They thought killer bees were coming and we'd all be dead by now. No dietary restrictions is funny because I have dated two vegetarians and I tried to squash that shit as fast as possible. And of course being able to hold a conversation. If I can't talk to you then there's no point in being around you.

20+ Years: “I think you need a female you. Tall, funny, Black chick with glasses.”

This is my nightmare. I'm not a huge fan of myself but I think I am okay. A female me would just want to sit around watching TV, eating, doing art related shit. Hmm. Maybe this isn't such a bad idea. I'm not so sure about the Black part though. Most Black chicks aren't into me.

30+ Years: “I think the type of woman that would be good for you would support your dreams and goals and not judge you if you fail.”

Let a bitch judge me! Hahaha! Seriously, I'm so damned defensive when judged even though I judge as a hobby. I judge constructively. I have had people tell me something wrong about myself and offer no solution. That's an asshole. I don't wanna date an asshole.

20+ Years: “Someone who appreciates an intellectual man, a creative man. Who's not vegetarian, who's a freak in the sheets but classy in the streets. Some girl who wants a handsome fellow. A girl that appreciates a phone with a cord.”

See, you just trying to be funny. In three years everyone will have house phones again. I don't consider myself intellectual so I can't blush about that compliment. Creative, yes. I will creative the shit out of you. As for being a freak in the sheets, that's something everyone needs to be. If you aren't doing things that shame your ancestors in bed then you're just doing it wrong.

10+ Years: “There's the obvious stuff, like someone who likes to talk, laugh, likes food, the arts, etc. You definitely need a secure woman, and by that, I mean someone who is secure in herself, but also able to find security in the relationship. A woman who has many of the same values as you, but didn't come to them in the same way. Someone who isn't afraid to push you out of your comfort zone, but who also is willing to go on and do things without you AND can be secure enough to know that the relationship is not jeopardized when those situations happen. Someone who understand and accepts your life situation (job, car, cell phone, etc.)...”

Yeah! I work randomly, I don't drive, and I don't have a cell phone. I sound like the perfect boyfriend...if I were 11. The secure in herself stuff seems more important the older I get because it turns out that the older I get the less secure people are. Everyone thinks they're ugly, fat, and unwanted. I do have a track record for picking insecure women. “Dante hangs with mostly women. He must be fucking all of them!” Not even close to true but when someone is insecure there is no changing that thought. As for pushing me out of my comfort zone, you better have a good alternative. I hate being pulled out of Comfort Town for Suckville.

20+ Years: “I'd imagine the woman for you would need to be understanding and accepting of your homebody-ish ways. As well as supportive of your hobbies. By no means a selfish lover. She'd need to live a life free of street pharmaceuticals and kids. Not to mention have a strong sense of humor...and she'd need to be a BIG nerd.”

The first person to mention free of drugs and children! Not saying that if you have kids that you are a bad person. You're just not the person for me. Why? Read everything above. I would be fine to play with kids because kids like me. But my discipline style comes from the 80's and that style gets people arrested. The only time outs would come when I needed to rest from whipping that ass. And she doesn't need to be a nerd, but it'd help. Otherwise my wall would just be a confusing mess as would a lot of the things that I talk about. Oh, and the selfish lover bit. Good lord. I have had talks with this person about selfish lovers and it made me realize that I've had this problem more often than not and that is something I am not dealing with anymore.

Life: “A Black girl that has a job. That's not clingy. You got them damn girls that stick to you like fly paste. Nobody that's clingy.”

Thanks, mother. 

I think from what everyone has mentioned that what seems to come up are these. Smart. Creative. Likes food. Able to relax. Can talk. Patient. Secure. Thanks to everyone that sent me something. This was very informative and fun for me to read and I have read this multiple times now.