Five Things I Learned Before Elementary School

Preschool stinks. I know some of you went there or have kids that did or will be. But to me it was a strange place that removed children from spending more time with their parents like they should. This is coming from someone that does not plan on having kids ever and every woman I did (all two of them) didn't pan out. So this is the thoughts of someone that is childless and used to be a human of preschool age which means I am just the person to talk about this shit. In this Five Things I Learned Before Elementary School I'll discuss what pertains to me because this is my blog. Get your own blog, you loser. Oh, and I will be covering the rest of school as well. 

School Doesn't Sound Fun

When my brothers and cousins would get home from school they never looked like they had a good time. Well, the bad ones did because bad kids tend to enjoy school more than good ones. I would never hear stories about the fun things they learned in class or about a teacher that made them feel good. I'd just hear about how they wished they were doing what I was: staying home all day watching TV.

Another thing I didn't understand was why kids my age were gone for a chunk of the day. Hell, even my cousin a year younger than me went to preschool while I was home eating jelly sandwiches and staring at my Grandpapa smoke his pipe while my Grandmama smoked her cigarettes and watched her “stories.” I learned more during this time than I did in elementary school.

TV Is A Great Teacher

By the time I started kindergarten I already knew how to do most forms of math, spelling, and reading and it was not because I had parents that cared about my future. It was because I spent the hours of 10am until 2pm watching nothing but game shows that were about counting, trivia, questions/answers, and imagery. Hell, throw in some court shows and I learned how to verbally spare with teachers.

I know that people say that kids watch too much TV these days but I think its because A. Parents don't really talk to their kids. They make sure they don't need to communicate with their children so here's a new gaming system, a computer, and a cell phone to play with. And B. They have made kids afraid to go outside because of all the shit they hear on the news. TV is like alcohol for some: it can ruin a situation or make it better.

Preschool Is For Suckers

Oh, what did you learn today? How to nap? Share graham crackers? I know these days they teach kids yoga and sign language but when I was a kid you were just kept away from home for a few hours so parents could catch their breath or get busy making your sibling. I got to spend time with family, other friends, and watch all the TV I wanted...until my aunt watched stupid soap operas in the afternoon. I had a lot of fun being filthy, getting blisters on my hands, and being a free range heathen.  

Reading Is Fundamental

If your kid can read before heading to school they will be better than most of the kids there. Source: me. The downside is that I had to teach all the kids that couldn't read how to or try to. I could not understand why kids weren't able to look at the letters on the page and read. My biggest problem was that I didn't like to read out loud so I'd speed read with no inflection. And how did I learn how to read? TV.

I would kick ass at Wheel of Fortune and never struggle with the words. I would also read the encyclopedia at home because the only other reading material was my mothers Black women magazines like Black Love and Black Confessions. I wonder if anyone else remembers those magazines. I'm not saying that you need to plop a stack of books in front of your kid, but try to make sure they at least know the alphabet before heading into school. You don't want your kid to be that kid that struggles reading basic ass English in high school while being forced to also learn another language.

You'll Never Be This Free Again

Unless you're unemployed with a lot of money. But even then there are still responsibilities you have. My life consisted of waking up, putting on clothes that were already set out, sitting in a car on the way to Grandmama's, eating a lot of sugar and bread, playing, watching TV, more playing, heading home, more playing, TV, eating, and sleeping. Yeah, there was the mental, verbal, and physical abuse. But it was the 80's. It was part of the contract you signed by being born.

I was talking to a friend recently that does not have the best memory while mine is pretty damned good and I said that it is a curse. Remembering how easy things used to be doesn't make me look back and smile. It makes me go “Why is shit so complicated now?!” This is why when I am at home relaxing or not working I try my best to live as if I'm young again...minus the copious amounts of frank and beans.

Click here for previous Five Things I Learned.