Folks Eating And Dying

I heard about two separate cases of people dying during some kind of eating/endurance challenges. The first was this cute ass 20 year old chick named Caitlin Nelson. Yes, the first thing I thought when I saw her before hearing her story was how cute she was. The second was that her dad died on 9/11. The third was that she was one of the most helpful people ever. And lastly that she died during a charity pancake eating contest. At this contest at her school Sacred Heart University in Fairfield in Connecticut she choked to death during the event. The official cause of death stated “asphyxia due to obstruction of airway by bolus of food.” I have never heard the term bolus in my entire life.

A policeman said that she started to choke on the food and someone noticed and helped her to the ground. They began CPR until police arrived two minutes later. The police tried to clear her throat but it didn't work and she ended up dying at the hospital. She was actually taken to one hospital and then another. Her family has stated that she was an organ donor so even in death she is still being more helpful than I'll ever be if you ave me another 38 years on this planet. After reading her story I thought “What a shitty way to go.” Just the other day my cousin asked me how I'd like to die. Fast or long. Fast meaning suddenly. Slow meaning I have time to say goodbye to folks and get shit in order. I picked fast.

The reason I picked fast is because if you give me time to wait to die I am gonna do a lot of terrible shit. My death needs to be instant because if I can lift a finger still I will write some strongly worded shit. Of all the ways I have thought of dying, which is a thing I do daily, I never think “If only I could tell so and so how I feel.” Everyone I know knows how I feel about them and if they don't whatever they thought first is likely the correct answer. I ain't that mysterious. This story reminds me of one time I almost died because of an ice cube in high school. Damned 'hood ass ice cube slid down my through and got stick. I went to this faucet and ran hot water until it slid down. I could feel it the entire time working its way through my crap factory. During my walk from the bedroom to kitchen I just thought to myself “If I die because of this no one will ever know how I died.” By the time my dumb ass corpse was noticed when my family got home I'd just be dead and looking stupid in my sweat pants and with a small puddle dried next to my face.

The next story is about a 42 year old guy in Denver named Travis Malouff who died last week after attempting a doughnut eating challenge at Voodoo Doughnuts. I actually plan on heading to this place up at City Walk after the hype dies down. During this contest folks will eat this huge ass thing and get a button saying they did so and the doughnut for free. So...yay. By the way, he died the same way the girl above did. The doughnut is big but doesn't look impossible. You have to eat it in 80 seconds because reasons. An employee announced that Travis was up for the challenge and everyone applauded.

He tore the doughnut in half and started pacing the store eating it. He started pounding on the counter after the 30 second mark. An employee said “Watching somebody participate in an eating contest, it looks like they're distressed. The whole thing looks like a sign of distress. Nobody realized what was happening.” His face turned blue, he collapsed, and people tried to help him. He died at the store and they have suspended the contest. For now. Someone also said that they were not doing anything dangerous and is shocked that someone could die from an eating contest.

Anything in excess can kill you. Eating. Drinking. Sex. All the fun things. Everyone remembers that woman that died from drinking too much water to get some Justin Timberlake tickets from a radio station. I just hope no one tries to sue the company for any of this. The girl in the first story was doing it for a good cause. The second guy for the challenge. Either way they ended up choking to death while eating in ways humans aren't supposed to. I won't say not to try this kinda thing because every week there is a new challenge with a hashtag attached (#BurnYaDickChallenge, #ShoveNanaChallenge, #GiveACopAPepsiChallenge) that folks do and get wrecked. Just give money or advertise what you care about. Stop eating for causes or free buttons.