The New 10 Commandments

Whenever I hear anyone mention the 10 Commandments it is from someone who is angry about something or trying to stop people from having all of the fun. I think it is time to update these things for the modern age. And who better than someone that goes to church only when someone dies or gets married? What I'm saying is that I'm not close to the whole religious situation and feel that I can offer some insight to those of you that are.

Obviously, some of these (meaning most) are going to require you to be a somewhat intelligent adult and in control of your mental functions most of the time. So if you are taking all kinds of medications for chemical imbalances and shit you may not be able to accomplish these. Millions of people are on pills these days so I can't even be mad at you. But I forgive you, my child. But not really. I'm a petty deity. I should probably make some loud declaration beforehand like in the bible.

“I am not a GOD and you probably shouldn't take most of the advice I give! But if you do then good on you because I am a reasonable person...usually! Feel free to spread my gospel! If you do not agree with what you are about to read feel free to keep your opinions to yourself for I am tired of rolling my eyes at your discontent! I have spoken! Konichiwa, bitches!”

“You Are Not Allowed To Fight In Public”

This goes for verbally and/or physically. If someone upsets you so much that you feel the need to scream at them then you need to remove yourself from the situation...and likely that relationship. If you scream at me I will just look at you like you've lost your mind and walk away. You will not get me to engage with you because you are a crazy person and I am done dealing with crazy people. You should be too. Cut that shit out. “But what if I'm really upset?!” Same rules apply. Learn to control your emotions. As for hitting others, as good as it may feel as an adult the repercussions for it are far too severe to be messing with. We are not kids. If you hit an adult they can hit you back and it will hurt. If you can not talk to someone without yelling or punching them or throwing shit then you should just not know that person. This goes for pets too. Stop being dumb.

“If It Is Revealed On Social Media It Was Never Said”

This goes for being diagnosed with an illness, a family death, or coming out of the closet. If I consider you a friend and I find out that your life is falling apart at the same time as the hundreds of other people you have on your “friends” list then we are not as close as I thought we were. If you post some serious shit about your life in the aforementioned way as far as I'm concerned it never happened. For people that you consider a close friend you should call them (or god forbid text) and let them know what is going on. “But I know too many people!” you say? No. You have too many people on an internet based list that you consider close but are not.

“Don't Bring It To Work”

Everyone has a problem. Some are large and some are small. Some people have massive things happening at home that would break your spirit in half and you'd never know when they come to work. Know why? Because they are an adult and if you are at work chances are you don't wanna be there and one thing that makes being at a job you don't like worse is hearing people bitching about shit at their homes. There is a line from Talladega Nights where a guy on the bus hearing Will Ferrell complain about his job problems and he says “Problems? I don't wanna hear about your damn problems. Everybody got problems! My mama got problems. She just lost her leg. My cousin Pookie just lost a testicle. My dog just threw up somebody's finger. That's a problem!” I get it. We all have bad days. You can show up upset but there is never a time where you should take your bad home life out on coworkers.

“Don't Bring It Home”

I was just talking to a friend recently about this. I used to date someone that had a job that was very low stress. Just cashiering and doing stuff around a store. She'd want to get stoned or drunk because of this job and complain about it. Meanwhile I was moving corpses at the hospital, saying hello to patients...and then taking their bodies to the morgue the next day, seeing sick and dying people all day long, and getting injured for about ten bucks an hour. I would come home and listen to her and wish I could have her worse day at work. I'd try to keep my work at work because the other option is to drift into a miserable abyss of death and dying. Or get high as fuck. Some people have a bad day at work, come home and spread it around the house like a shit covered shoe, go to sleep after making everyone miserable, and waking up to do it all over again. Don't be that person. You can talk about your day at work, vent, and then make a serious attempt to move on.

“Don't Ask Don't Tell”

No I'm not talking about that whole being gay in the military thing. I'm talking about asking people about the amount of people that they have slept with. I have made this mistake in the past and it does nothing but bring either misery or bad thoughts. What do you think is gonna happen? You are either gonna say A) “I don't believe you.” B) “That is a lot of people.” Or C) “I shouldn't have asked...” If someone asks you how many people you have slept with prepare to have one of these said or thought. If you feel compelled to ask this question just brace yourself for some shit you don't wanna hear. Or just not ask and be happy you are in a position where the sex may happen.

“Stop Correcting People”

There are certain words that you can't say anymore. Either because you grew up and realized that it was not cool to say (talking about the f-word and the r-word) or because you got your ass kicked for saying it in front of the wrong people. And by wrong people I mean ones that are my skin tone. But nowadays people are making up so many new words and ways to describe themselves and there are gonna be slip ups. But to those of you telling people to stop saying certain words if you do find yourself doing it you get five seconds to explain why. No one wants to suddenly be inserted into a lecture about why they are a shitty person for not subscribing to imrightandyouarenot.com. “Hey, you shouldn't call them midgets. They prefer dwarfs.” So how fast and easy that was? Also, try to be the thing you are correcting. I don't need someone with rock hard abs telling me to stop calling someone fat even if they used to be. Hell, I used to be. Not everything is a teachable moment. Sometimes you're just being an asshole.

“Keep It Classy”

I'm not gonna sit here and tell ladies how to dress...but. But. Please leave a little bit to the imagination. I was with a coworker recently and he spotted a woman at a coffee shop while we were in line. I thought she had too much hanging out. There was like 75% of her chest out and it did nothing for me. Another woman had on yoga pants so tight there was zero left to the imagination. Call me old fashioned. Call me a male asshole for telling women how to dress. I prefer to be called a dick, but whatever. For the guys, be clean. For a while now guys have been allowed to dress like slobs and there seems to be no end in sight. Guys have wild ass beards, clothes that don't fit (being too tight or too big), and walk like they have a physical ailment. The filthier guys look these days the cleaner I get. I cut my hair, shave, and keep my pubes on fleek because of these sons of bitches.

“Never Drink And Drive”

It is pathetic that some of you are still getting drunk and jumping behind the wheel of a 2,000 pound machine that has the ability to travel over 100mph and think its fine. Drunk driving shouldn't even still be a thing. Not because we have taxis or you can just call a service to come pick your goofy ass up but because it is so easy to just not do it. A few years ago I rode in the car with someone that had one of those deals that you have to blow into to get the car started. That is fucking embarrassing and super easy to avoid. The excuse I've heard from people caught drunk driving is “There were other people speeding and doing way worse than me!” Sure, ya louse. They also mention how many times they've driven “buzzed” and laugh like it is cute. It's not and you are a fucking menace.

“Stop Saying Black Don't Crack”

Also, stop saying “Happy Black History Month!” ironically. Just had to toss that in there. I have been hearing Black don't crack way too much lately and decided to look online and see if this was offensive or annoying to anyone other than me. Turns out it is. Lots of Black folk don't like hearing this shit. We also don't like being reminded that were Black all the time. Trust me. We are reminded of it constantly in other ways. It is in line with the term “Black Girl Magic” in that it makes it seem as if no work or effort was taken to keep you from looking 50 at 30. I admit that I look better at almost 40 than I did at 22 but that is because I decided to give a fuck about my health and appearance. I did get more ass when I was falling apart so I might be life-ing wrong. This is one of those terms where people will go “But it's a compliment!” the same way dudes get upset when they say a chick is hot and she gets upset. It is well meaning but does not come across the way you intend. Instead...say nothing. Complimenting folks is dangerous these days.

“Chill With Having Kids For A While”

I know. I know. You want a kid. Just...don't. At least for another five years. There are so many people on this fucking planet already and for some reason a lot of them are living longer. It was different back in the day when a sneeze was followed by clutching your chest and expiring. Now people are spinning their blood and doing all kinda crazy shit to stay here longer as if it is so awesome. Life is cool but it is not 100 years alive cool. People are also having kids later in life which means old people are having babies at an alarming rate and most times its multiple babies at once! What the fuck?! There are like 7.6 billion people here and in thirty years they expect it to go between 8.3 or 10.9 billion. That, in scientific terms, equates to a metric fuck ton of people. If you want a kid just adopt one for a while. Let shit balance out for a few decades, please. I have spoken!!!