Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 10

Click here for previous Johnny Panic We Got It From Here.

Spin spin spin! That is the goal! Just spin my little sexy heart out both baffling and dazzling these monsters at the same time! They begin aiming at me and I can hear the machines struggling to pinpoint exactly where I am. I head into a ship and plow right through the damn thing embarrassed at how easily they beat me a week ago. While I am inside I am looking at all this insane technology they have. Everything is so clean! I also realize I need to make sure not a piece of this gets into the hands of the military because the next thing you know a yellow version of me will be trying to challenge me in a few years.

Look at me planning ahead like an adult!

“Focus on the island” Mother Bird says.

Abject terror. Its a phrase I've heard before but never had the desire or need to use. That changed just now. I burst out of the ship and see all of the ones in the sky slowly turning to face my house. At times like this I often wonder “What would Goku do?” Well, Goku would just charge up and get to a new level of power. His hair would change colors. He would scream even more. Well, as far as I know this is as strong as I get unless I suddenly get a new ability. I said unless I suddenly get a new ability!

Figured that wouldn't work.

See, now they are just being petty. They said they were here to destroy the planet and now they are getting all butthurt and trying to take out my people. I look down and see the front door open. First Milly bobs out on her tether followed by Ronica trying her best to keep her grounded. I turn to face the ships and quickly plow through three of them. About a dozen more descend from the sky. Holy shit this is stupid! Is this all because I drew their attention by farting in that aliens face? I look at the main ship, Mother Bird's ship, and heat up my hands hotter than I ever have before. I zoom down and start skimming the water causing steam to rise up. Alien chatter. Good. I need alien chatter. That means they are confused. While they are trying to figure out what's happening I let loose a sonic scream that punches a hole straight through the main ship. Milly breaks free from Ronica laughing and squeals. Every ship in the sky moves back damn near a mile. I fly over and grab her in my arms and she immediately tries to eat my hair.

“Are you lacking some essential vitamin?” I ask her. She just laughs at me. I need to get her to her mama but she whines just as I hear a rumble from the sky. I hope its not their monster robot. And by I hope its not I pray it is because I wanna see what it looks like. Well, its not their monster robot. Its Mother Bird making that sound. I don't even know what its using to make it either. The mouth is closed. Maybe its coming from its butt. “Is that sound coming from your butt?” The sound stops.

“No” Mother Bird says then starts doing it again.

“If it was from your butt would you admit it was?” I ask. “You don't have to be embarrassed. We all make sounds with our butt. Milly here uses it as her main form of communication. Like, 45% of what she says comes out her butt.”

“It is not my butt.”

“A good relationship is built off of trust. You know where I learned that?”

“Where?”

“I can't recall right now. I really wasn't expecting you to ask. But what I'm saying here is that you don't have to lie to kick it. If you just calm down we can all chill together and make butt sounds with each other in peace.”

“You have one minute to live.”

“Well...crap.”

“Excuse me!” Ronica shouts. Milly, me, and Mother Bird all look at her surprised. “Do you mind if I talk to you for a moment before you blow up my world and everyone I love?”

“No surprises” Mother Bird says. Ronica holds her hands up. We all float down as Mother Bird raises her fist and the ships go silent.

“Hello. As you may or may not know I gave birth to Mary Lucille there. She is the baby that was able to keep you and your battalion at bay for a week.” Mother Bird looks over at me holding Milly and then burns holes into Ronica. Not literal holes. “I would love to see her grow up into an amazing little girl and spectacular woman. You blowing up our planet would spoil that for us.”

“That is not of my concern” Mother Bird says. I'm about to box this freak upside the head when Ronica holds her hand up stopping me from doing something that would get our world blown up.

“And what is your concern?” Ronica asks. Holy shit she's doing her witchcraft!

“Meaning?” Mother Bird asks.

“What concerns you?”

“I do not understand your question.”

“As far as I know all you want to do is blow this planet up. What else do you do?” Mother Bird stares at Ronica like she is processing what is being asked. It wont work. I've been trying for years.

“Destroy.”

“I see” Ronica says. She's reading this asshole! Oh, its making me so hot! “So, let's say you destroy this planet. My planet. Then what?”

“We continue to destroy. It is what we do.”

“And then what?”

“Excuse me?”

“And then what do you do?” Ronica asks.

“I do not understand you question and I am losing patience.”

“So you blow up a planet and move on to another. That doesn't sound very fulfilling.”

“I assure you it is.”

“And is there an end to this?”

“...”

“You just spend the rest of your existence just blowing planets up just to do it?”

“...”

“If I may...” a creature that looks like a snot bubble with eyes says. Ronica plays really cool at not freaking out. But not me.

“Ew! What are you even supposed to be?!” I scream. Milly laughs at me.

“Speak” Mother Bird says.

“What the creature says is making me feel...something.”

“Horny?” I ask and ball my fists.

“As if there is more we should do with our existence.”

“Such as?” Ronica asks.

“I...do not know.”

“Then shut up” Mother Bird says and points its finger at him and he explodes.

“Jesus Christ, Frieza!” I shout. “That was not okay!” The rest of her crew slowly back away. Hell, even the ships pull back a little.

This went on for another two hours. Ronica baffling Mother Bird, a creature would step forward, get blasted, and so on. Eventually Milly fell asleep in my arms. Aimee would peep out the window every few minutes to see what was going on. I didn't see Zazz but its safe to assume that he was either sleeping or eating. Or both. He's known to do that. One time I went downstairs and he was on the couch with his eyes shut and eating a sandwich. Not even a regular night sandwich with just bread and meat. It had lettuce, tomato, two kinds of meat, cheese, and even an olive on a toothpick! It was remarkable.

“...so as you travel the galaxy you can not only meet new races and species that no one here ever will but you can share your technology with those that need it and even gain some from them. It is what we call a win/win situation on Earth.”

“Do you have any technology that we would find useful?” Mother Bird asks.

“Hot Pockets!” I say far louder than I needed to.

“Pardon me?” Mother Bird says. I head inside, and yes, Zazz is asleep, and grab some Hot Pockets. I heat them with my hands and hold one up. “What do I do with that?”

“You eat it and change your life” I say. Mother Bird is hesitant until Milly reaches for one. “You open your face hole, take a bite with them teeth bits, and allow yourself to wander in flavor country.” Mother Bird slowly takes it and stares at it like its wet. Better hurry before I snatch that shit and eat it! Mother Bird slowly takes a bite and hot cheese rolls down its chin. Some of her crew lean forward waiting for a response.

“This...is...” Mother Bird falls to its knees and raises the Hot Pocket in the sky. “What is this?!”

“Ya like it or nah?” I ask.

“More! I want more of this...Pocket of Hot!” A crew member that looks like Cousin It if it never came across a comb aims a beam at the Hot Pocket and now there are three of them. Mother Bird hands one to me and I take a bite and the damn thing tastes exactly like a real one. “We shall leave now.”

“Don't forget what I said” Ronica says and holds her arm out and Milly floats over to her. “Be nice.”

“Thank you, Ronica of Hawaii, Earth. I will remember your words as long as I exist. And you, Panic. May you and your child continue to bring peace to this planet.”

“So we cool?” I ask.

“We are indeed cool” Mother Bird says and vanishes. The crew of freaks also vanish. The ships rumble and then quickly leave through the clouds.

“Holy crap” I say and fall to my knees. “You just saved the planet.”

“I did, huh?” Ronica says. Then she sees me holding a Hot Pocket. “You better not be talking to the food.”

“Of course not” I say. “I love you.”

“You're still talking to the Hot Pocket.”

“No, I'm talking to you. You're so damned hot. And delicious. And cheesy...”

“Stop.”

“And meaty.”

“I'm gonna head inside now” she says. “Our daughter needs to sleep. You need to take a bath. And tomorrow I'll have to address the press and try to come up with a better ending than me talking an alien down from destroying the planet and you handing it a Hot Pocket.”

“But they're irresistibly hot! Like you.” I added that last part quick because I don't want her to ban Hot Pockets in our house.

“You smell like alien.”

“And you smell like a hero.”

“Stop it” Ronica says.

“You blushing!” I say. “Look at you! All confident! Save the world once and it goes straight to your head. Welcome to my world, babe!”

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.