"It's a boy! And another one! And another one! And a..."

BELLFLOWER, Calif. — A woman in Southern California gave birth Monday to the second set of octuplets ever delivered alive in the United States.

Doctors described the six boys and two girls as a feisty bunch who made their entrance kicking and crying and seemed to be doing remarkably well, despite arriving nine weeks premature. They ranged in weight from 1 pound, 8 ounces (0.45 kilograms), to 3 pounds, 4 ounces (0.9 meters).

I’m sure you’ve all heard about the lady that gave birth to a litter of children. She had 8 babies. 8. That is just gross. What bugged me more than the fact that she had 8 kids was the reason why. This is when religion and beliefs make my skin crawl.

Okay, lady had a bunch of embryos frozen. She says to herself, “Self, why let all those good things go to waste? I’m gonna have all of ‘em pumped into my baby maker and squeeze out a posse!” I could’ve gone a hundred different ways with that last sentence. I could’ve gone blue but I’m trying to keep this clean…ish.

At first everyone was all like “Yay! This is amazing! She had 8 healthy babies! Yeah, they are premature and weigh as much as a can of soda, but still…yay!” And then we started getting more information. Turns out mama bear had 6 other kids at home. Turns out she isn’t married. Turns out she has always wanted a bunch of kids. No, she does not live on a farm. The reason I say that is because I don’t think anyone should have more than two kids unless they live on a farm and need help plowing, milking, and sowing. Apparently that’s all I think happens on farms. Stupid city boy…

Why in this economy would you have that many kids? Why wouldn’t you just let those embryos go wherever they put embryos when they aren’t used? I bet some good old fashioned stem cellin’ could’ve been used with them. Like, 7 of them. No one needs 8 babies. I mean, seriously. 8 kids? At once? I swear this planet gives me a headache.

I found out last night that this lady now has a publicist and wants to make some cash from her story. No! No, no, no! Where’s my newspaper? I need to whap someone. Most people who are all for this chick crapping out so many kids are the pro-lifers. The whole soul patrol that think that embryos have souls at the moment of conception. Until I start having random flashbacks of being in my mothers vagina I am gonna go with, uh, no. No soul for you until you got fingers, toes, and eye holes. Even then I’m on the fence. Some folks have no soul no matter how hard they try.

Stop having babies, ya’ll. Rockets.