Dante Used To Cry

I’m not an uncaring unemotional monster…most times. There have been a few films that have either made me cry like a little bitch or get damn near close. Here is a list of films that had an emotional impact on me. I don’t know what it is but certain films manage to hit a certain area of my brain and make me feel all ladylike. Some of them may confuse you so I’ll try to explain each one and save a shred of my dignity.

“Transformers The Movie”


This is the cartoon movie, not the clusterfuck starring a bunch of people that are blackholes of acting. I played sick when I was a kid to stay home and watch this on Ch. 13. I sat there cheering as Optimus Prime flew through the air taking out Insecticons and beating the piss out of Megetron. This movie is amazing and I was all over it until…Prime died?! Oh, my God! I lost my shit! I cried like a little bitch so hard. Don’t judge me.

“An American Tail”


Now this cry fest was more about timing. My family was broken (like buh-row-ken!) at the time and there’s that scene where Fival starts looking around and his entire family is gone and he thinks they’re dead and…my eyes started burning and I just started wailing. Of course no one consoled me. I just sat there crying in my bitchassness.

“Magnolia”



So many people hate this film. I love it. Its just so damned sad. There is a scene where a son meets his father who he has been ignoring and has based his entire career on mistreating women because of his fathers behavior and how he left the family so the son grew up angry and…yeah. He meets his dad and hates him even as his dad is dying and it almost made me cry. Almost. I was like, “Fuck, this is gonna be me in a few decades…” with my own father. Minus the tears.

“John Q.”


Goddamn you Denzel. This movie is about a father doing anything to help his dying son. Every single person in that theater was crying except me but I was so close. I had to give myself a mental ass kicking to stop it. And then there’s a scene at the end that is so fucking touching everyone lost their minds! I was like “No! You cry and I swear I will run crotch first into the stove!” The look on everyone’s faces in line when we all left the theater was priceless. I almost wanted to say “This is not how you wanna spend your Friday night, people.” We came out that theater looking like we stepped out a Holocaust shower.


“Antoine Fisher”


Double goddamn you Denzel! This is one of the saddest damn films ever. I refuse to read the book because its supposed to be even ore depressing. The scene at the end where he goes into the house and sees the food…(blubbers) Oh, man. Anyone that has seen this movie knows what I’m talking about. Shit’s deep, son!