When I was a kid shit was different.
Way to start off stating the obvious. In this post I am gonna write
about a few things from when I was little that you don't see much of
anymore or hear about. Like this goddamn floor furnace. I didn't even
know what it was called. I called it the floor heater aka The Jump
Across The Room Maker. I swear, I should have the longest long jump
in the world because of this thing.
It wasn't like it was in the
corner where no one had to walk. This shit was right in the living
room just outside the hallway door. I wouldn't even know it was on
unless I turned it on myself or just happened to step on it which I
did dozens of times. There is nothing that will wake your ass up like
stepping on a 200 degree piece of metal. I haven't even mentioned how
big it was. It was about five feet long and maybe two and a half feet
wide. Just big as shit and right there for me to step on when it was
on fire or get my toes stuck in at other times. This thing was the
devil and I don't know why it was made the way it was. It sounds like
a joke that went to far. “Hey, crazy idea. What if we put a huge
heater on the floor?” No wonder my ass walk looking at the ground. I got post traumatic furnace disorder!
Remember when the streets were filled
with loose ass dogs? Just dogs running around with no collars,
leashes, or dog tags? Just dogs. You knew whose dogs belong to who
but there were always just these other dogs that would terrorize the
neighborhood for a week like a biker gang in an 80's film and leave. If you didn't get chased by dogs as a kid I doubt you grew up in L.A.
And they had balls! Not like metaphoric balls, but real ones. I saw a
dog with balls a few weeks ago and laughed my ass off since it had
been so long since I saw them. Now they look weird to me. That's sad.
Dog balls shouldn't make me laugh. Human ones do. Man, those look so
stupid and ill designed. I should know. I got three of 'em. #ProveMeWrong. Anyhoot, I
grew up with two dogs at different times and they had balls. Bob
Barker was on TV like “Be sure to spay and neuter your pet.” I
didn't know what spay meant but I knew what neuter was after asking
one of my brothers and wondered why you'd do it. Turns out they mean
the same shit but spay sounds nicer. If a girl tells me she is spayed
my knee starts to buckle into a kneel automatically and I reach for a ring that don't exist. I wondered why
you would do this to your pets. Are they fucking too many dogs and
making other dogs? No? Then I found out that it controls their
behavior then I was like “Oh, that's fucked...” But I get it. I
wouldn't want my dog biting my face off because it wanted some stank
on its hang low.
We had a sinkhole in the backyard when
I was little. I didn't know until after years of riding my bike on
it, bouncing my bike on it, and running on the goddamn thing. No idea
that the large piece of wood was covering up a five foot wide hole
that went god knows how far. I remember when my father told me what
it was. I was like “I have the worst parents ever.”
Now when you
hear about sinkholes them shits is making entire city blocks
disappear into the Earth like a bad sci-fi movie. But there ain't no
mole men down there. Just dirt and hurt. That is now the name of my
new metal band. Remember when Baby Jessica fell down that well? That
shit was a sinkhole. A well ain't nothing but a sinkhole with thought
put into it. Sometimes when I think of that old neighborhood I wonder
what would have happened if while attempting to do a wheelie my goofy
ass fell down that hole. Maybe it was only ten feet deep. Maybe it
was fifty. Either way I am sure I would not have been searched for
until it was time to take out the trash. #LastSonMiddleChildProblems.
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