Hollywood Hates Comic Books 2

This is the second installment of Hollywood Hates Comic Books. You can see the first few by clicking in this sexy little area. For a minute I was like “Why cant I think of any bad comic book based movies…?” All of a sudden my brain went Johnny Pneumonic and flooded my head with way too many bad films. This time I am just going with three of them. And they are pretty damned bad. Why cant Hollywood play nice?

Vietnam vet has his son and wife murdered after seeing a mob hit. After seeing this shit happen Frank Castle becomes The Punisher and uses his skills as a soldier to kill bad people. He uses any means to dispatch of his foes including guns, torture, rockets, blowtorches, or whatever the hell he can get his hands on. He once used a polar bear to maul someone who worked for an evil old woman. That happened! At one point he kills the entire Marvel universe. Seems impossible but its right there in stores for purchase. When criminals see the skull they pretty much know that jail is an option if they manage to develop the ability to dodge hundreds of bullets.

FBI agent Frank Castle retires from his job. While vacationing his entire family is murdered. And by his entire family I mean everyone because it’s a reunion. He is shot and found in the river by a fisherman. He takes the skull shirt his son gave him and goes on a mission to kill John Travolta…who replaces the evil old woman in this version. Instead of torturing someone with a blowtorch he uses a delicious popsicle. Quirky neighbors and such make him damn near lovable. By the way I had to choose between three films and this one was the worst. It was as if they tried their best to make sure another movie was never made. But there was.

Elektra is an assassin that wants to avenge the death of her father. She is awesome as hell and super violent with her sais. She is in love with Daredevil but way too extreme for him. She is killed by Bullseye with him ramming her own weapon all up in her ribcage. Though she has no superpowers she (once she came back to life) is able to hang with some of the toughest characters in the world. Never quite reaching the potential she should’ve in comics, she is still one of the best female creations of course from Frank Miller.

Doe eyed Elektra comes back to life after being killed in the equally terrible Daredevil film because a blind man (Stick) brought her back. He teaches her magic that allows her the ability to see into the future and bring the dead back to life. He ends up getting rid of her dumb ass because she cant let go of her rage. Rage that Jennifer Garner does not have the acting chops to accomplish. Her new powers show her that a girl she met and the girls father are going to be killed so she decides that she doesn’t want to be a contract killer anymore but that she wants to protect them.

Dr. Bruce Banner is a physicist that ends up being bombarded with gamma radiation while saving the life of a jackass who becomes his friend who was riding his bike on a nuclear testing ground. He is a meek little guy but now when he gets pissed he becomes The Incredible Hulk. He has two setting: human scared of transforming into monster and monster that wants to kill anything that annoys him. He is so damned powerful that the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe got together and tricked him into leaving Earth. He came back better and beat all their asses.

David Banner, the father of Bruce, uses himself as a guinea pig to make his DNA better. It passes on to his unborn son who grows up to be a scientist. As a baby he cries and turns green which happens in the first minute of the movie and was my cue to leave but I didn’t because I’m stupid. Bruce later grows up and when angry transforms into a Hulk. His father later turns himself into a element manipulating creature but not before creating dogs that can “Hulk out.” The small Banner is replaced by an actor that is large enough to be painted green and play the main character himself. Wrong cast, wrong effects, wrong storyline, wrong all around.

Hollywood Hates Comic Books

Hollywood is accused a lot of times of rebooting or rehashing things. When it comes to comic books the same rule applies. There have been a few Superman, Batman, and Hulk films that change actors or pretend the last films didn’t happen in the first place. These are some (of lord knows how many) comic book based films that I would love to be seen done correctly.

Wanted

Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets hot Black chick who kills everyone in a restaurant and tells him that his father was recently killed (right before watching some dudes have sex and recording it on tape). Turns out dad was known as The Killer and belonged to The Fraternity; a group of super villains who gathered one day and defeated every hero in the world and erased the world’s memory making them forget heroes ever existed. He rapes, kills, and causes mayhem just for fun. Father returns saying he faked his death and has his son kill him to inherit millions of dollars and it all ends happily ever after.

Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets skinny White woman who stops an assassin from killing him in market. Finds out father was killed and belonged to a group known as The Fraternity. This group has mastered the ability to make bullets turn in the air. Oh, and they take their orders from a loom. A fucking loom. In the end everyone dies except the kid who threatens Hollywood and the public with a sequel. Please don’t. There are no costumes or super villains in this entire movie.

Catwoman

Burglar Selina Kyle spends her free time stealing cash and mostly jewelry from some of the wealthiest people in Gotham City. Has on again and off again relationship with Batman. Before beginning a life of crime spent time training in martial arts and being a prostitute. As a child both her parents die (suicide and alcoholism) and she is placed in an orphanage. Tries to get administrator arrested for stealing money but is caught and tossed in river in a sack. She comes back and has him erase her name from records. Catwoman is very resilient. A fairly simple story that would be pretty impossible to ruin, right?

Artist and graphic designer Patience Phillips overhears the makeup company she works for is still planning to sell a makeup that causes disfigurement. They find her and she tries to escape through a pipe but ends up drowning. A cat brings her back to life and she discovers she now has cat-like abilities like throwing her leg over her head and licking herself and saying terrible puns. She wears a mask and torn leather pants and begins to fight crime. Seriously. This was filmed for $100,000,000. I still have no idea where $99,000,000 of that money went to. Maybe the Thai stuntman that did all the hard stuff. I'm serious. A tiny man did all those flippy moves. Think about that when you're touching yourself to this movie.

Hellblazer: John Constantine

Londoner John Constantine while in his mothers womb strangled his twin brother with an umbilical cord. She then died giving birth. He grows up knowing how to use magic but chooses not to deciding to fight dirty instead. All of his friends die just from knowing him. He is a total asshole that hates his abilities and ha demon blood from having sex with a succubus and a transfusion with a demon. His look is based off of musician Sting.

John Constantine does exorcisms for a living with his assistant who is pretty useless. He is hired to investigate the murder of a cops twin sister. Meanwhile a Mexican guy finds a weapon, the Spear Of Destiny, and is walking to L.A to bring evil. Constantine fights bug men, crazy ass angels, and even Satan himself…until he stops Constantine from dying and cures him of lung cancer. This movie loses on so many levels the highest being Shia LeBouf.

Superman

An alien child from Krypton lands on Earth, specifically Smallville, Kansas. They teach him to be a good man. He stands for “truth, justice, and the American way.” He’s saved the planet more times than he can count. Battles creatures to protect not only his city of Metropolis, but the world. Works by day as a reporter. In love with fellow reporter Lois Lane for decades. Wears bright blue suit with red underwear and looks as if he is chiseled from stone. One of the most powerful comic book characters ever created. He has heat vision, freeze breath, super speed, super strength, and the ability to fly. Only weaknesses are Kryponite and magic.

An alien child returns back to Earth after leaving for years. He left but not before reversing the planets rotation to save one person, using the ability to teleport, create holograms of himself, freezing entire lakes (animals and possible swimmers be damned) to put out a fire, kissing the woman he reversed the planet for and making her forget his secret identity after having sex with her, and using his shield on his chest to wrap a villain. Finds out that Lois Lane is now dating Cyclops and mopes. He then gets stabbed with a Kryptonite knife, raises a Kryptonite mountain from the sea and throws it, and finds out that he has a son. Everything I said happened.