Funny Broads

I know I have said countless times that I don’t find many women all that funny. Yeah, pretty sexist, huh? Growing up I watched stand up all the damn time and each time a chick came out I just stared at the screen and waited for her to leave. I have plenty of chicks I talk to in my personal life that make me crack up thankfully. Over time the jokes have evolved from “So how about that husband of mine?" to a more broad (no pun intended) form of comedy that I can enjoy. That’s good. But, yeah. This list is about chicks that happen to be funny and hot.

Kristen Wiig is the last funny chick on SNL. Everyone else has gone off to make movies and TV shows I don’t watch. The first time I actually found her cute was during her scenes as an asshole in Knocked Up. She has me dying as Target Lady, the nervous lady during the Weekend Update segments, and the hot but disgusting lady with the cutesy laugh.

Aisha Tyler has been hot for way too long. I actually overlook how funny she is just because I find her so attractive and that’s not right. I first saw her on the E! channel when she used to host The Soup and I wanted to get her pregnant. This chick is way hot. I also love that she doesn’t just do “Black” jokes but tells jokes that are funny for everyone.

Amy Poehler at one point and for quite a while the funniest woman on SNL. Yeah, she keeps popping out children and her husband has a strange ass voice but I still like her. She makes me crack up. I cant hear the name Rick without going (in my head of course) “Rick! Rick! Rick!!!” Bonus points for whoever gets that reference. And after Tina Fey bimmed she took over for Weekend Update and made it way funnier.

Tina Fey got an assload of attention for looking like Sarah Palin but she is way hotter to me. I remember when she first showed up on SNL I was like “Shit, she is cute…” in my oh, so sexy voice. I really wish she hadn’t left because she kinda started this mass exodus from the show and the hotness left with her.

Anyone disagree with my list? Or can you explain why I find professional female comedians not very funny?

Eurodance 7000

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I dont know why but this video makes me crack up. Normally I don't post other people's stuff on my site but I had to make an exception with this one. Guy looks like Hercules Hernandez! 100% life!!!

One Day 1

Normally on my myspace account I post blogs about my hundreds of stories or embarrassing days in my life. Recently I talked to a friend about something that happened to my sister when she was younger. It was funny so I thought I’d write about it here.

It starts with the fact that my little sister had bad teeth growing up. Not bad genetically. She made them bad with help from my mother. She let her suck on her bottle until she was 5 years old. Yeah. Anyhoot, it got to a point where she went to a dentist to get her mouth handled. What followed was one of the funniest days, moments, situations I have ever experienced.

So it was one of those rare moments where me and my brothers were all in the same room at the same time. Kevin, Luther, Jaron, and I were sitting in the den. I was about 12 or 13. Maybe 13. So we’re sitting there and my mother comes in and says:

“Don’t ya’ll say nothing about her teeth” and marches into her room. My father follows her and disappears. Now me and my brothers are waiting like, “What can be so bad?”

It was bad.

As soon as she came into the room we started dying laughing! I don’t know what dentist she went to. Maybe Mengala. But he put teeth in her mouth that were too big for me as an adult! My brother Kevin fell on the floor. I couldn’t breathe from laughing so hard. Jaron started wheezing. This was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

“Stop laughing!” she shouted which of course made us laugh even harder. Kevin started stomping like a horse. Luther couldn’t stop laughing. I know in hindsight this was probably very mean to laugh at her this way but growing up with four older brothers made her tough.

They ended up sawing these teeth down about a week later. But whenever I think about the way her mouth looked I cant help but laugh like an ass. Maybe one day I will talk about this day with my sister and laugh fondly. Until that day…hahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Rockets.

Favorite Movie Quotes

This is just a list of some of my favorite movie quotes. Of course I will think of some more to add later on when I am not nursing a headache and wishing I had some Jack Daniels and Coke. Rockets.

Stepbrothers

“I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!”

“You have the voice of an angel. I mean, it's like Fergie meets Jesus.”

“I have a belly full of white dog crap, and now you lay this shit on me?”

“You better not close your eyes, because as soon as you do, I'm gonna punch you square in the face!”

“Barbara Walters, Oprah, your wife. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one, go!”

Training Day

“They got room for you at the booty house, you ever been to the booty house. Big boys have you grab you ankles…”

“We ain't killing nobody. This guy's got the magic eye. I can feel it. Just had a little freak-out, that's all. Now I say he's cool, and nobody's gonna hurt him. But you do have a decision to make, because in about 10 seconds, this whole place is gonna be overrun with blue suits.”

“Nothing's free in this world, Jake. Not even arrest warrants.”

“Then don't come down here again. I catch you down here again, I'ma take your vehicle. I'ma make you walk home. I'ma let the homeboys up the hill run a train on your girlfriend. You know what a train is, don't you?”

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

“God no, it smells like, like a used diaper...filled with...Indian food. Oh, excuse me.”

“What is that? Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.”

“They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.”

“Oh Audrey - I look like hell! I got bags under my eyes. What's that? Well if you were a man, I'd punch you. Punch you right in the mouth. That's bush. Bush league. YOU HEAR ME? AUDREY! LOOK AT ME! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Alright?”

Full Metal Jacket

“Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT! Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world!"

“These are great days we're living, bros. We are jolly green giants, walking the Earth with guns. These people we wasted here today are the finest human beings we will ever know. After we rotate back to the world, we're gonna miss not having anyone around that's worth shooting.”

“If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?”

“Private Pyle I'm gonna give you three seconds; exactly three-fucking-seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you! ONE! TWO! THREE!”

Snatch

“Now, dicks have drive and clarity of vision, but they are not clever. They smell pussy and they want a piece of the action. And you thought you smelled some good old pussy, and have brought your two small mincey faggot balls along for a good old time. But you've got your parties mangled up. There's no pussy here, just a dose that'll make you wish you were born a woman.”

“It's behind you Tyrone. Whenever you reverse, things come from behind you.”

“Have you ever crossed the road, and looked the wrong way? A car's nearly on you? So what do you do? Something very silly. You freeze. Your life doesn't flash before you, 'cause you're too fuckin' scared to think - you just freeze and pull a stupid face. But the pikey didn't. Why? Because he had plans of running the car over.”

Reservoir Dogs

“I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's fucked up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you ask me to sign something that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And as for this non-college bullshit I got two words for that: learn to fuckin' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big fuckin' surprise.”

“Nobody did! You assholes turn the jewelry store into a wild west show, and you wonder why the cops show up?”

“The man you just killed was just released from prison. He got caught at a company warehouse full of hot items. He could've fuckin' walked. All he had to do was say my dad's name, but he didn't; he kept his fucking mouth shut. And did his fuckin' time, and he did it like a man. He did four years for us. So, Mr. Orange, you're tellin' me this very good friend of mine, who did four years for my father, who in four years never made a deal, no matter what they dangled in front of him, you're telling me that now, that now this man is free, and we're making good on our commitment to him, he's just gonna decide, out of the fucking blue, to rip us off? Why don't you tell me what really happened?”

Tropic Thunder

“I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!”

“I'm just like a little boy, playin' with his dick when he's nervous.”

“Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!”

“Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring.”

“Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.”