13 Years Later

There are things that we think of every single day. What to eat. Chores. Pooping. Just regular things that come across your mind every day like normal folks. For the past 13 years there has not been a single day where the thought of my brother Kevin that died when I was 22 years old doesn't cross my mind.

It's not as romantic, thoughtful, or pleasant as it sounds. In movies when you hear people say they think of someone every day it sounds nice. I'm here to tell you that it isn't as sweet as it seems. It sucks and it hurts. Yeah, a lot of the time when I think of my brother I think of all the funny things he did or said. I think of hanging out with him. Teaching me how to drive at the age of 9. Watching wrestling. Waking up mad because his allergies would make him scratch his ear and clear his throat super loud.

But other times I just remember that he is dead.

Story Behind The Photo 18

The other day was my late brother Kevin's birthday. I've written quite a but about him because fuck you I loved him and he was cool. This is a picture I took today of these shirts that were made after he died. Even till this day I have not worn it and I have two. Not sure how I got two but there you go. They look weird. Its just his head floating in the ether with the year he was born and died there. It always seemed so depressing to me. When I die I want people to wear a shirt with me looking all spry and jumping in the air or something. Not just my head. Someone needs to let my mother know this so I don't end up an even more vengeful spirit.

I have never been huge into ceremony. Having to do all kinds of salutes and wait turns and such has never appealed to me. My brother's funeral was the first one I've ever been to and we ended up having two of them because the mausoleum he was being placed in wasn't finished being built. So the next image is from funeral part two.

The Hard Goodbye

Normally it’s a little bit closer to my late brother’s birthday when I get what can be called my own version of The Hard Goodbye. This happens every damned year. I start feeling kinda weird and at first I cant put my finger on it. Then I do, I meditate, and then I level out. I don’t necessarily feel better but I do feel better in that I now know why I feel bizarre.

I was actually fine this morning. And then it hit me like a brick to the head. I have been hit with lots of things in my head but never a brick. I have hit someone else with one when I was a kid but that’s been discussed in my Rosscast. For anyone that is new to my site or you haven’t listened to my show or you just don’t pay attention to anything I say my brother Kevin died of a heart attack nine years ago. He was 32 years old. Isn’t that some bullshit? I imagine that may have been one of his last thoughts honestly. I wont go into everything that occurred after his heart attack. I’ll post a link to my old blog talking about it. (part 1, part 2, part 3)

I’m 31 years old right now and just one year younger than when my brother died. It doesn’t feel like it was nine years ago. This is when having a good memory sucks ass. Everything feels like it happened months ago at the most. This makes it harder to forget things, forgive people, and get over shit. They say over time you get, not over, but you feel better about someone who has passed away. I have been waiting years for that to happen but way too many things remind me of my brother. Wrestling, comedy, drawing, and whenever someone breaks silence with something inappropriate. He was the funniest person in my family and the most giving person I knew.

I miss the friendship I had with my brother more than anything. He would take me to his job, when he went to play football, and just random shopping like the Slauson Swapmeet. God, who knows how many chains and earrings he bought there?! All this is to say I miss my brother. I miss him talking shit to me. I miss his jokes. His goofy ass laugh. Talking about wrestling and work. Yeah. That’s it. So if I sound odd at any point on the phone or want to be left alone its just The Hard Goodbye creeping in.