Dante vs. Nature 4

People keep thinking that I’m joking when I say nature hates me as much as I hate it. This week I battled a grasshopper. Maybe it was a cricket. I don’t give a damn. It had a top hat on and was killed immediately. Then a moth the size of a child’s imagination attacked me while watching TV. So imagine me in Africa. That is never happening. I have no desire to visit the Motherland. I’m part Native American anyway so I’m already home.

Cape Buffalo. “The African buffalo is a very robust species. Its shoulder height can range from 3.3 to 5.6 ft and its head-and-body length can range from 5.6 to 11 ft. Savannah type buffaloes weigh 1,100 to 2,000 lbs., with males, normally larger than females. The horns of African buffalo are very peculiar. A characteristic feature of them is the fact that the adult bull's horns have fused bases, forming a continuous bone shield referred to as a ‘boss,’ which can not always be penetrated even by a rifle bullet.”

If this 11 foot long beast came running at me I would either attempt to blind it with my fecal matter or just curl into a little ball and hope that my girlish screams frightens it. Or it just starts to feel bad for me and walks away. And these things aren’t even kinda close to extinction which means they roam in herds. You saw what they did to Simba! Oh, and the part about its bone shield being bullet proof? Fuck that. No creature should be bullet proof. Except in Australia since everything there kills with thought.

Hippo. “The hippopotamus is recognizable by its barrel-shaped torso, enormous mouth and teeth, nearly hairless body, stubby legs and tremendous size. It is the third largest land mammal by weight between 1½ and 3 tons. The hippopotamus is one of the largest quadrupeds (four legged mammals). Despite its stocky shape and short legs, it can easily outrun a human. Hippos have been clocked at 19 mph over short distances. The hippopotamus is one of the most aggressive creatures in the world and is often regarded as one of the most dangerous animals in Africa.”

I used to think these things were one of two things. 1. Cute creatures that let little birds eat the food stuck between their teeth and giggled like jolly huge pigs. Or 2. Fat and slow things that rarely got upset and just ate fish all damn day. Oh, I was so wrong! I read that book Congo and laughed thinking the violent hippos were a joke. Then I watched a National Geographic special. These things fucking have the ability to pursue people! I cant even pursue a woman properly! Look at that African run. They only run for L.A Marathons to win cars yet he fears that fat beast!

Nile Crocodile. “The bite force exerted by an adult Nile crocodile has been shown to measure 5,000 pounds per square inch. However, the muscles responsible for opening the mouth are exceptionally weak, allowing a man to easily hold them shut with a small amount of force. Their mouths are filled with a total of 64 to 68 cone-shaped teeth. he male crocodile usually measure from 11.5 to 16 feet long but very old, mature ones can grow to 18 ft or more.”

So let me get this straight. It has the ability to pretty much bend steel with its mouth closing, but if I wanted to I could keep its mouth from snapping shut on me? I don’t think that’s a chance I’m willing to take. These things like to hide and look like a log or debris and then all of a sudden fucking Africa welcomes you with death in the form of a handbag from hell. Fuck this thing. I’d prop its mouth pen with a stick and poop in its mouth. Have you ever seen one of these things do a death roll? They not only bite the shit out of you, they make you dizzy at the same time.