Dante Saves You: Alien Edition

We always talk about the plans we have if some aliens attacked. And by “we” I mean me and my lunatic ass friends. Seriously. My friends are deliciously psychotic and I love them for it. The problem most people have is that they apply alien encounter rules across the board and that shit could end with you being a hood ornament. No, not hanging from a Christmas tree in the ghetto. I mean the aliens would be using you as a warning to others to not fuck with them!

To stop this unfortunate act from occurring I have come up with what you should do if you encounter creatures from outer space from different Hollywood films. I hope you read this and take notes. Or, like, bookmark the page so you don’t have to ask me to link you here when the aliens are using you like a Muppet.

District 9.

"You gon' eat yo cornbread...?"

How To Approach.

They call these creepy looking things Prawns as a derogatory name. They look like walking Hell and sound like someone belching while changing the channels on a television too fast. They seem rather peaceful which is cool since they are as tall as an NBA player. Oh, yeah. And they have an arsenal that can turn you into jelly that only they can use.

What To Do If Confronted.

Run! Unless you speak their click-click-dirk language its best to leave the area immediately. Their weapons are more powerful than anything a 5 year old can dream of. They have lasers, robot suits, and robot suits with lasers. If you happen to have a can of cat food handy throw it to them or some rubber which they also like. Or…get turned into one of them in which case you can now use their weapons.

Totally worth it.

Alien.

How To Approach.

Are you insane? Okay, fine. If you have never seen one of these things in action and think its some new creature from Australia (which is totally possible!) just slowly back out of the room while covering your mouth. Why? Because while you are looking at the beast a goddamn Facehugger will hug your face. Meaning fuck you in the mouth like a bad first date. Next thing you know…

Taco night was never the same again...

What To Do If Confronted.

Hopefully there’s a traumatized little White girl nearby that you can feed to these things. If not then you run like you have never run before. Try not to scream since that’s like foreplay for these things. Also try to avoid their acid spit. Oh, I didn’t mention that? Yeah. They spit acid. And climb on ceilings. And--you know what? Just pray.

Predator.

"White giiiiiil..."

How To Approach.

Covered in snow. Just coat yourself in cold stuff so this thing doesn’t know that your dumbass managed to end up in a situation where the Predator is. It doesn’t even have a name. That’s like a new race on Star Trek calling themselves The Analrapewhiledonkeypunchians. Though they are tall and dark, they are not Blackers.

Spacism still exists.

What To Do If Confronted.

You could try and fight it though I would suggest not doing that. They have lots of sharp weapons and collect body parts the way Billy Bob Thornton does sexually transmitted diseases. I would suggest curling up into a ball and pooping yourself and crying. They will hopefully see you as a punk ass bitch and leave you alone…after shaving your genitals with their teeth.

E.T.

How To Approach.

These are the lamest aliens on the list. If you see one in your closet all you have to do is punch it in its big ass eyes or kick it in its vulnerable neck. It likes Reese’s Pieces which sucks for them because I’m not sharing my candy! They look like a mutated nutsack or a shaved cat.

Or Whoopi Goldberg in The Color Purple.

What To Do If Confronted.

Like I said, these things suck at everything but screaming. Just stay away from its hot finger. Seriously. That’s what it has for a weapon. And its belly glows. Man, fuck this thing. Kill it and hang it on your porch as a warning to any invaders.

Independence Day.

How To Approach.


With a plane. They don’t really show themselves. They are rude assholes and just hover above the city while people gather to celebrate their arrival only to be met with a laser blast that can destroy entire buildings. Just head to a farm and laugh at the city slickers.

"I call dibs on Astoria!"

What To Do If Confronted.

If you happen to get one of them out of their ship then you can beat them with a single punch. That’s it. One punch and these little assholes are done! They are the size of toddlers. Have you ever fought a toddler? They go down easy!

"Goo goo...?

War Of The Worlds.

"This isn't where I parked my car..."

How To Approach.

Shit. Um…there are multiple forms of these things and none of them want to talk. They snatch you into a basket, suck you into their asshole, and turn you into fertilizer. These dicks paint your house with you! I don’t think you have to worry about approaching them. They approach you.

What To Do if Confronted.

Hang out with Tom Cruise. He knows how to run like a son of a bitch so if you can just keep pace with him you’ll be fine. And whatever you do don’t hang out with Tim Robbins. He has rape eyes and wants to battle aliens that can turn you to dust with laser cannons by using a shotgun. Or you could just sneeze on them.

"Got a cough drop?"

V.

How To Approach.

Kindly. They can cure every disease known to man. Got the HIV? They can fix it. Legs don’t work? Boom. Walking. Thank you, Visitors. Most of them are really attractive and apparently have working genitals so you can bang them if you want! Guess the V stands for Vagina! You can have babies with them if that floats your boat.

He's got his father's...Jesus.

What To Do if Confronted.

Maybe its Maybeline.

If they are in full on lizard mode then you’re fucked and not in a good way. They are stronger, faster, and meaner than your ex on her two week period. What the fuck was with that anyway?! Anyhoot, since they have genitals kick them in the junk. Or poke them in the eye. Its like fighting a shark…on land. You know what? Just cry.

Signs.

"Got any Neosporin?"

How To Approach.

Probably the dumbest aliens on the list. If you see one don’t waste your time chasing it since they run as fast as Kenyans. Just wait until it walks into a closet and close the door. That’s it. Now you have your own pet alien!

What To Do If Confronted.

"Anyone feed the pet alien yet?"

Have a glass of water? Cool. Throw it at them. That’s all you have to do. You see a map of the Earth lately? Its covered in water! Realistically that pee running down your legs is water. Gues what? You now have Death Legs! Kick that sumbitch! These things are bad at killing. The only near death they caused was an asthma attack!