Dante vs. Nature 7

Death from above. That’s what I think of when I see birds flying around the sky, all cocky with their ability to…fly. They dip and dive and shit on us. They literally shit on us! So I compiled a list of the birds that we all look at and think are beautiful but are actually demonic beasts who ruin newly washed cars and clothes. These are just a sample of the many animals I don’t trust.

Ostrich. “Ostriches usually weigh from 140–290 lbs, with exceptional male ostriches weighing up to 346 lbs. The feathers of adult males are mostly black, with white primaries and a white tail. However, the tail of one subspecies is buff. Females and young males are greyish-brown and white. The head and neck of both male and female ostriches is nearly bare, with a thin layer of down.”

Have you ever seen one of these damned things run? They don’t trot after you like a pony or something. They full on gallop with the intention of wrecking your shit right up. They have feet perfectly made for kicking your nuts right off. Thank Cthulhu these things cant fly. Could you imagine the world with these gliding through the sky? I cant either. You know why? Because I like living in a world that doesn’t have these in the air.

Swan. “The swans are the largest members of the duck family Anatidae, and are among the largest flying birds. The largest species, including the mute swan, trumpeter swan, and whooper swan, can reach length of over 60 inches and weigh over 33 pounds. Their wingspans can be almost 10 ft. They also have a patch of unfeathered skin between the eyes and bill in adults.”

People think these are harmless, beautiful birds. They buy them for weddings and have the audacity to place their kids near them. If only they knew how deadly these are. Look at that wingspan. If one of these sons of bitches spread out over ten feet and started screeching at me I would pray that I had a sword. I wouldn’t try and punch it because they do some weird shit with their necks where they can dodge your blows. I really don’t need that kinda stress in my life.

Red Tail Hawk. “The Red-tailed Hawk is a bird of prey, one of three species colloquially known in the United States as the ‘chicken hawk’ though it rarely preys on standard sized chickens. There are fourteen recognized subspecies, which vary in appearance and range. It typically weighs from 1.5 to 3.5 pounds and measuring 18 to 26 inches in length, with a wingspan from 43 to 57 inches.”

Aw, look at this tiny little thing…as it swoops down and snatches your toddler! I grew up watching Looney Toons so I know how dangerous and persistent “chicken hawks” are. I love how they don’t prey on “standard sized chickens.” That means it goes for the big ones. I bet there are cases where these things have killed humans but their families are just too embarrassed to admit it. I wouldn’t be because I know that every bird is a fucking bad day from being a psychopath.