Dante vs. Nature 6

I know people look at some animals and think of how large and majestic they are. I see giant versions of panicky dogs with horns. I know I usually have to imagine being in Africa or Japan to find fear. Sometimes the scariest things can be found right where you live. If you live in or near woods. Which I don’t and that allows me to sleep better without worrying about the cast from a Disney cartoon killing me.

Moose. “The moose (North America) or Eurasian elk (Europe) is the largest extant species in the deer family. Moose typically inhabit boreal and mixed deciduous forests of the Northern Hemisphere in temperate to subarctic climates. Their diet consists of both terrestrial and aquatic vegetation. The most common moose predators are wolves, bears, and humans. Unlike most other deer species, moose are solitary animals and do not form herds. Although generally slow-moving and sedentary, moose can become aggressive and move surprisingly fast if angered or startled.”

And what the mean by “startled” is you saying “Hey, look. There’s a moose.” These things never look nice. Even when they are just standing there looking at the sky I just imagine that they’re wondering what the fuck they would do if another moose wandered by. “I wish a muthafuckin’ moose would walk by here!” How the hell can I tell the difference between a moose and an elk? If it charges at me with an accent?! “I say, dear sir. I shall smite ye!” And look at them damn horns. Its like something out of H.P Lovecraft.

Deer. “Deer (singular and plural) are the ruminant mammals forming the family Cervidae. Species in the Cervidae family include white-tailed deer, elk, moose, red deer, reindeer (caribou), fallow deer, roe deer and chital. Male deer of all species (except the Chinese water deer) and female reindeer grow and shed new antlers each year. In this they differ from permanently horned animals such as antelope; these are in the same order as deer and may bear a superficial resemblance.”

They grow and shed antlers every year. You know why? Because they get too heavy from all the blood that accumulates over 365 days of chasing poor families that think it’s a good idea to go camping and hobos that believe it’s a good idea to sleep in the woods. Oh, those poor hobos. Look at that picture. That is a deer rushing towards a fucking police car where I think its safe to assume has armed cops around it. This beast is like “Unless that gun was created from the hands of Zeus you have moments to live!”

Horse. “The horse (Equus ferus caballus) is one of two extant subspecies of Equus ferus, or the wild horse. It is a single-hooved (ungulate) mammal belonging to the taxonomic family Equidae. The horse has evolved over the past 45 to 55 million years from a small multi-toed creature into the large, single-toed animal of today. Humans began to domesticate horses around 4000 BC, and their domestication is believed to have been widespread by 3000 BC. Horses in the subspecies caballus are domesticated, although some domesticated populations live in the wild as feral horses.”

A feral horse. That is probably one of the scariest sentences ever. For over 5,000 fucking years we have been trying to make these things behave. Yeah, you can get on its back, make it jump over a stupid hurdle, or teach it to prance like an ass. But then one day while riding it’ll go “What the fuck am I doing with my life?” and buck you right the fuck off. Oh, you still don’t think horses are dangerous? A horse crippled Superman!!! A man that could leap buildings in a single bound, stop bullets, and was faster than a locomotive was taken down by a creature that doesn't even have thumbs. Fuck this.