Dante vs. Nature 8

The sea is no joke. As a child I wanted to be a marine biologist at one point because I was young and stupid and didn’t realize that the ocean was just a den of death and the creepiest things to ever exist. I think dinosaurs are terrifying but at least they are gone. That is until you dig into the ocean and spot something that looks like Satan’s chew toy.

Barreleye. “Barreleyes, also known as spook fish (a name also applied to several species of chimaera), are small deep-sea osmeriform fish comprising the family Opisthoproctidae. These fish are named for their barrel-shaped, tubular eyes which are generally directed upwards to detect the silhouettes of available prey; however, according to Robison and Reisenbichler these fish are capable of directing their eyes forward as well. The family name Opisthoproctidae is derived from the Greek words opisthe (‘behind‘) and proktos (‘anus‘).”

So here’s the creepy Assfish. Or spook fish if you want to be nicer about it. Fuck this thing. What kind of creature outside of a Zelda game exists that has a see through head? Its not even practical. But what it lacks in practicality it makes for in downright shit-your-pantness. Let this swim up to me all polite and I will scream so loud people on the surface will hear it. I don’t like this thing one damned bit. It looks like the ghost of fish sticks past.

Granrojo. “Tiburonia granrojo, is a jellyfish of the family Ulmaridae discovered in 2003. Its species name was originally to be called ‘Big Ugly‘, but an unknown party denied it and renamed it granrojo, meaning ‘big red’ in Spanish. It is one of the largest sea jellies and unusual in a number of ways. Tiburonia granrojo live at ocean depths of between 600 and 1500 meters and have been found across the Pacific Ocean in the Sea of Cortez, Monterey Bay, Hawaii and Japan.

F-f-f-f-f-fuck this! Why come you so big?! Why come you exist?! There is no reason that a creature this size should be around where we can spot it. Ever. If I saw this I would shit so fast it would tear my wetsuit. I wish they had stuck with its original name of Big Ugly because its very fitting. And why did it take us until 2003 to find out this was swimming around? You mean to tell me that we can see planets further than we’ll ever be able to travel but something to size of an elephant that is red eluded us for centuries?!

Mata Mata. “It was renamed 14 different times in 2 centuries, finally being renamed Chelus fimbriatus in 1934 by Robert Mertens and Muller. The mata mata is a large sedentary turtle that has a large triangular flattened head characterized with many tubercles and flaps of skin and a ‘horn’ on its long and tubular snout. There are three barbels on the chin and four additional filamentous barbels at the upper jaw, which is neither hooked nor notched. The mata mata's brown or black oblong carapace can measure up to 18 in at adult age. The full adult weight is 33 lbs.”

Have you ever heard of something being renamed fourteen goddamn times in 200 years? I have. It was called The Devil! This looks like something that should’ve disappeared and currently being used to fuel cars. Look at that thing! I bet it hisses! Actually, I don’t need to bet. That fucking thing hisses and probably laughs as it drags you into the mud to feed its equally evil babies.