Halle Berry Needs To Stop It

Everyone knows who Halle Berry is. She’s the hot ass Black chick who we all kinda forget has a poor White mother that gets no credit for birthing her. She is known as one of the best actresses in the world, which I think is very debatable. She’s okay. Not close to great. From Monster’s Ball I know that she can take a good dicking from the human STD Billy Bob Thornton. To this day I scream “Make me feel good!” whenever I can. Never during sex though. That’s where I weep knowing it wont happen again anytime soon.

Halle has been hot for years. But there have been stories. Lots of stories. Most of them have to do with her boobs or her brain, the fourth and fifth sexiest things on a girl. Her boobs because, seriously, they are fucking amazing boobs. And her brain because she has done some pretty strange shit.

No, I’m not talking about starring in Catwoman or her terrible performance in X-Men. I mean like her hit and run accident back in the day. Twice. Then there’s the whole issue of the men she has dated. I’m mentioned this in my previous Halle Berry Theory but since then (three years ago) she has had a child with one guy and fought for child custody and is now engaged to be married to another.

"Happy New Year!!!"

I know a lot of people are asking themselves “Seriously, Dante. How do you have such beautiful eyelashes?” or “What the fuck business is it of yours who Halle Berry dates or marries?” To which I’ll respond “Luck” and “Its my business because fuck you.”

I find it funny that people get upset that I get upset about random shit like Halle’s life. Look, you can all get mad about the 1%, Occupy stuff that means nothing, or the environment that will survive long after humans have been wiped off the globe by Cthulhu riding a comet firing machineguns with laser sight. I’ll concern myself with a chick with great tits. And by the way, that last scenario is totally gonna happen one day.

All this is to say a few things. Halle has been through the ringer with her relationships. We don’t know what she is like behind closed doors (that are padded). But since she wont say I will continue to speculate which I’m fucking awesome at. She will stay with this new guy but not actually get married.

Shortly after she will request that everyone respects her privacy during this difficult time. Maybe she will do a film or two no one sees or knows about (did you know she did two movies last year?). Then she will continue to date people in entertainment that will probably hurt her. Thus the circle of life is complete. Seriously. She named her kid after the female lion from The Lion King.